Christmas Cookies

What better way to be festive around the holidays then to watch holiday movies. After they boy and I opened our presents and stuffed our bellies with Christmas morning pancakes, we popped Black Christmas

in to continue our merriment.

Yet another cheesy, blood gushy film that I adore that got panned by the critics. Apparently the original has a cult following (I haven’t seen it, but after reading about it, I plan to). I think this kind of idolatry makes it hard for people to look at a remake without reservation (I should know, like I’ve said before there’s NO WAY I’m watching the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street. NOBODY is Freddy but Robert Englund. It’s just that simple to me). I have to wonder if the newer Black Christmas didn’t suffer from some of this.

We’re treated to the story of Billy Lenz via 1970s flash backs. It’s a nasty holiday tale of an abusive wack-job mom who killed Billy’s dad and kept him locked in the attic. Billy grows into a big boy who mom molests (sadly no one there to get SVU on the phone). Mom ends up pregnant with Billy’s daughter. A little while down the road Billy finally flips his shit on Christmas. He yanks out the eye of daughter-sister Agnes, kills mom’s boyfriend, and finally kills mom (making Christmas cookies out of the skin from her back). The cops make it over and Billy lands in the criminally insane house. Agnes, who managed to survive, is sent off to an orphanage.

Fast forward to present day. Billy’s old house is now a sorority house filled with typical sorority types. Unbeknown to them there’s someone in the house with them that’s slowly offing the sisters. Also unbeknown to the sisters Billy has made a jail break! (I loved the sleazy Santa getting offed at the asylum. There are only so many cheesy come-on lines I can hear before I start rooting for someone to get hacked up.)

The movie plays out in typical slasher fashion. Getting calls from “inside the house” (to keep up with technology, calls come from sister cell phones), sisters getting separated one by one (one in bed too drunk, one out to check the break box, etc), and the presence of the suspicious boyfriend. With a twist thrown in for good measure (Agnes! Shock!*).

The action doesn’t let up until the end (how fucked up is it that you can’t even get away from psychos at the hospital. Pushy bastards) and there’s plenty of blood/violence. After watching the boy kept humming Christmas tunes and I couldn’t help but make stabbing motions with my candy cane.

Merry Christmas!



*Please note the use of sarcasm.

Here We Go Again

I’d like to assert that the best part of Saw VI

came roughly fifteen minutes after the start. Simone chops off her arm to get out of her Jigsaw trap and lands herself in the hospital. When asked if she learned anything she proceeds to yell that she did not learn anything and demands that her brand new arm nub be considered. She does this while pointing with said nub. Now you can say that I have a sick sense of humor (and you wouldn’t be wrong) but I laughed my ass off. And I was in good company as Shady was also giggling (I sometimes think I’m a bad influence on him, he’s really a nice guy). Just something about an accusing nub tickles my funny bone.

And that was about it for me.

I’ve sat through the past few Saw movies hoping but not really expecting anything. I sometimes feel like a half-ass believer at church. Sure I want something good but I’m really only going out of habit.

Everyone is aware of the groundbreaking, shocking, goodness of the original Saw movie. When Tobin Bell slams the door shut at the end and pronounces “GAME OVER” I was gasping “holy fuck he was alive the whole time!” right along with everyone else. The following sequels had no real way to match that one gut shot of a moment. Instead, viewers were giving every kind of torture device imaginable and a ton of blood. And that was ok for a sequel or two. But now were on number six and its worn waaaay too thin. Even the traps themselves seem like repeats. With the exception of the (not so) merry-go-round, I wasn’t even impressed with the ingenuity there.

Also along the ride, I got behind Jigsaw. Admittedly, I have issues, but I saw the logic in his appreciate life of I’ll off you method. Fine, teach people a bloody gruesome lesson. But Hoffman, on the other hand, is a douche bag. He’s an arrogant, annoying, and worst of all typical, psycho. He’s getting off on offing people just like so many other psycho thriller villains. The biggest disappointment was that his head wasn’t demolished by the reverse bear-trap.

The worst part about this series is that I will continue to watch them. Sigh. Shady and I are beginning to think that we’ll be meeting at the theater right around Halloween for the next ten years for these damn things. If nothing else just to see how much worse it can get.

Teen Slash and Hack... but Not

I don’t remember where/when I first caught wind of All the Boys Love Mandy Lane





but I do know that I stalked it for a long while before I finally got my hands on it (release issues, kinda like Trick R’ Treat). I also remember the first time I watched it. Shady and I had wasted time that evening with a disappointment about a motel (seriously I have no idea what it was, but it went NO where in the 30 mins we put in) and were about to call it a night. I remembered Mandy Lane and twisted his arm a bit to hang around and check it out with me. We were absolutely delighted. Biting violence and a delicious twist. I considered writing about it then, but I never got around to it.

Fast forward a few months. I got to thinking about Mandy Lane again. Wondering if it had really been as good as I thought or if I had just been impressed with its newness (I’m like a little kid sometimes, I love a movie the first time and then after a couple more viewings I get bored and start seeing the faults). So all by my lonesome and bored, I gave it another go. I found myself delighted again.

The overall look of the movie was entrancing and somewhat dreamy. The flick a feel of being both clean/studio and gritty/indie at the same time. This backdrop provided the best contrast to the violence. When the jock we assume is going to be one of the lead characters leaps off his rooftop into the pool, thus filling it with blood, I was left feeling uncomfortable. When watching horror films you beginning by suspending disbelief, i.e.: ok I take that burnt to a crisp kid killer existing with a grain of salt now how do you stop him? Or, ok I take that a person can be so evil that it seems that nothing can kill him so how do you keep his little sister safe? When a horror movie tosses that need for suspension of disbelief (like Mandy Lane does with the jock’s roof dive) it makes the horror feel all too real. 20 mins in, at most, and I’m out of my comfort zone.

Mandy Lane does mimic some of the classic slasher flicks, the lovely cast of teens isolate themselves out at a farm house with the intentions of partaking in illegal substances and knocking some boots. On the other hand the identity of our killer is handed to us soon after the carnage begins. Again, this throws the viewer off balance. No big reveal of who and why at the end? No barely plausible reason for the carnage? Nope, just a killer, who after seeing years of high school shootings in the news, no one is surprised by. Again, it’s just too believable making the viewing slightly unpleasant but still absorbing.

And the carnage…. oh wow. We have the “shove something that has no business being there down a throat” scene. That never gets old to me. There’s also a very cringe worthy knife to the eyes (both times this scene lead me to yell “oh, fucking ow!”). And most viciously, our guy is running around with a gun. Most horror titans stick with some sort of stabbing instrument (butcher knife, machete, glove with attached razors) and there’s a reason for that. It’s personal. It gives the killer a personality. The gun on the other hand is cold and impersonal. To me, more scary somehow.

Honestly, I can only think of one place where Mandy Lane went wrong. Two scantily dressed hot blondes, both a little under the influence. Deep stares, kind words….. and NO MAKING OUT! Seriously? Robbed! We were robbed!

(And as an aside, I NEED a copy of the cover of Sister Golden Hair. I search and search but no dice.)

Lack of girl on girl action aside, All the Boys Love Mandy Lane is brilliant. Worth putting in the effort to find.

Hey, You're Crazy Bitch

I was an emotional teenager. I’m sure my parents debating killing me the majority of the time. I wore a lot of black, I listened to angry music, and I loved the movie The Craft.



The boy and I decided to watch this the other day when we were looking for something light (most stuff is light compared to my recent obsession with Law and Order: SVU. For my time, there’s nothing better than watching Stabler or Fin push around someone who has gotten handsy with a little one). I seriously adored this movie when I was a kid. I wasn’t exactly what you would call popular (in other words, I was a loser) so I really dug the revenge theme.

Although I still think the plot is pretty decent, the boy and I both had to marvel at how incredibly bad the graphics were. Granted we are watching this through eyes that have witnessed all the remake gloss of recent horror flicks, but this was pretty damn bad. The Craft was done in 1996, same year as Independence Day. While the year is comparable, the graphics just aren’t.

On the plus side, Fairuza Balk puts in a great performance. Watching her flip on Skeet Ulrich’s character delights me as much now as it did when I was a surly teenager. Balk’s Nancy is driven completely mad by power and the performance is totally believable. Another plus is Neve Campbell’s curves. That lady had some early Jennifer Lopez style business going on. (But then the same year in Scream those banging curves are nowhere to be found. Where did those ass and titties go? Just another Hollywood casualty I suppose. Sad.) Lastly, for creepy effect the full on bug scenes are pretty top notch. Probably the best effects in the flick and man did they make my skin crawl (both then and now). I spent most of those scenes staring at the couch. There are plenty of creepy crawly creatures I can handle; spiders, snakes, and rats don’t really bother me but one little roach and I’m out with a quickness. Yuck!

The Craft is a nice little blast from the past for me. If you’ve never seen it, I suggest it as long as you don’t expect too much.

I Fail.

I shouldn’t write this review. It’s not really fair to write reviews about movies that you haven’t finished, but Crank: High Voltage

lost me.

I loved the first one. After watching Crank I thought Jason Statham was the coolest guy EVER; in fact I was pretty sure he used up also most all of the cool that is allotted for balding British guys. Crank had snappy humor, tons of action, and a healthy dose of nudity. Fantastic, a great action flick that isn’t crash, boom, Bay. So of course I was looking forward to part 2.

I’m not going to complain about how much suspension of disbelief is necessary to buy into the plot (the mostly dead body of Chev Chelios is scooped up by some more angry gangsters. They snatch his heart and give him a fake one, leaving him alive so their boss can have the joy of seeing him killed. This, of course, leads Chelios to chase folks all over the city). I’m a horror fan; I can get on board for some really far-fetched shit. My problems with this one lay elsewhere.

From the beginning things were just too shaky and confusing. Like everyone involved in the filming was on a drastic combination of coke and ecstasy. I’m also not a big fan of a first person style camera shot (don’t know the technical term for this, think first person shooter video games), which was used frequently. Honestly though, I think I could have lived with that.

What finally made me throw in the towel was the porn vibe. I like a good set of titties as much as the next person, but that much naked is just trying to compensate for something. After watching Amy Smart (love love love her) get felt up by a fellow stripper in the back of a cop car for no reason I could fathom I finally gave it up and started in on the laundry. If I want to watch chicks getting up on each other I’ve got quite the collection on the bedroom shelf, I don’t find that it’s necessary to my action flicks.

The boy finished it and told me I didn’t miss much. I’ll probably try to get through it again (if nothing else just because I hope Bai Ling's character gets the crap kicked out of her again. She was so fucking annoying), but for the time being I’ll suffice to say I wasn’t impressed. (This does not, however, diminish my love for Jason Statham. Just thought I’d throw that out there.)

Just in Time for Halloween

I admit it; I dig torture porn (Saw, Hostel, etc). I like seeing all the blood a human body can lose and still manage to crawl around (on screen of course. I haven’t lost it and started hacking people up yet.). While this type (subgenre?) of flick isn’t too mentally stimulating, I just can’t seem to look away. In fact I will see the new Saw (what’s this one, number 20? 40?) and watched the last one this weekend in preparation (with all those twists and turns I find it hard to keep all the sequels straight in my mind). However, the good old fashioned creepy story movie holds its own warm spot in my heart. I like the kind of movie that lingers after you turn off the lights. That’s what Trick ‘r Treat was.




For once I’m not the only cheerleader for a flick. It rated five out of five bloody knives over at Dread Central, the folks at Brutal as Hell called it “delight from start to finish that anyone can enjoy”, and even the tomatometer at Rotten Tomatoes is at 100% (this is as of today of course). Personally I’ve been waiting on this movie nearly two years. The movie was making rounds at horror festivals and was put on the backburner by Warner Brothers (shame on you, Warner Brothers). I am pleased to say that my patience was rewarded.

Trick ‘r Treat is a collection of four tales about, what else, Halloween. It moves through the stories of psychotic principles, pretty werewolves, a short bus massacre, and a creepy little guy named Sam with delightful quickness and ease. Some “story collection” movies rely on one or two good stories to carry the whole movie, leaving slow spots but Trick ‘r Treat managed to avoid this.

This flick doesn’t rely on jump scares, but more on urban legend type stories that embed themselves in your mind. Granted you know that dead kids don’t come creeping out of rock quarries after they’ve been dead for years and years but after the lights go out it may become harder to convince yourself. This film is also different from typical horror flicks in that it works the kid angle. While films like Nightmare on Elm Street allude to the murder of children, there’s not much in the way of kiddie killing being done on screen. Trick ‘r Treat is a true “no one is safe” film as you find out in the first story. While it is mostly predictable (there’s only so many places you can good with a scary story), there was at least one surprise for me (good job ladies! Especially you, Anna Paquin. But, honey, can we please do something with that gap. And maybe take the brows down just a notch. You’re not doing yourself justice!) and that was just enough.

I’m keeping this one short because there’s not a lot to say about this one that hasn’t already been said. I loved it. I recommend EVERYONE getting their hands on it. I also recommend not taking any chances and giving out candy and leaving your pumpkins lit all night on Halloween, I know damn well I am.

Huh

At first I found myself pretty enamored with Drag Me to Hell

Cutie Allison Lohman, who plays the leading lady Christine, makes the mistake of shaming an old gypsy lady (a very unnerving gypsy lady, might I add. Seriously if someone took their teeth out and laid them on my desk there’s no chance of me being calm and collected about it) by denying her a loan after the old lady has begged her to reconsider. After a very grotesque fight scene between our two girls (I should have realized things were going to get kinda wacky based solely on this scene. How many movies have a crazed old lady trying to bite gum the jaw off of a cute young girl?), the crazy old gypsy curses Christine.

This was where things got a bit crazy. It was typical Sam Raimi (director). While it was a fantastic jump fest (both the boy and the cat saddled me with some dirty looks, demanding that I be still), there was also confusion, disarray, furniture flying, and kitten butchering (was NO WAY I was watching that business. Hid my eyes until it was over). I was back and forth between being deliciously scared and exchanging WTF looks with the boy. The height of the “huh” came when the badass demon stalking our heroine upchucked her murdered kitten. It did, however, have a fabulous ending that I was glad we weren’t cheated out of (hate it when a horror flick cheats you out of the appropriate fucked up ending and hands you a buttoned up and beautiful happy ending).

While I can’t call it a bad movie, I can’t really say it was a good on either. It was very Raimi Evil Dead. Even though I know I could be lynched by the whole of the horror community for saying this, I’m not an Evil Dead fan (*looks behind me to make sure no one with an I Heart Ash shirt is there looking menacing*). And Evil Dead (with a splash of House of 1000 Corpses) is what this flick reminded me of. I do understand that fear and humor go hand in hand and that’s where these films come from, but I guess that’s just not my bag. It just leaves me shruggy.

Next up: Trick R’ Treat. Woot!

Mmm, Dessert

I'll try not to gush too much, but my love for Red Velvet




goes far beyond my usual cheerleadering. There really is so much to love about this movie.

I'll start with the stellar performance from Henry Thomas. Although not the typical leading man, Thomas is far more enticing than most any of today's "hot" actors. His portrayal of the scary, yet still alluring Aaron is entirely believable. Aaron is the tormented writer, one part intellectual, one part guy who you find living alone in the woods. Aaron meets Linda, (played by Kelli Garner who does a bang-up job and is just too adorable for words. Have actually liked her since Bully.) his noisy neighbor, at the laundry mat. Even though it’s clear that she finds his brusque manner off putting, she’s still drawn to him. Finding herself on an impromptu lunch date, listening to him tell her a story. There’s just no way one of the CW pretty boys could have pulled this role off. Don’t get me wrong there’s always a place for the pretty boys but to pull off a character with this much depth and intrigue, Thomas was the only answer.


The look of the movie is another high spot for me. This isn’t Platinum Dunes gloss. The screen is filled with saturated color, almost dizzying enough to make your eyes ache. (I think this may have something to do with the way the film was shot. It was done in 35mm. I know very little very little about how filming actually works but in all the poking around I’ve done, everything seems to point to that.) While a lot of the scenes are almost comical, (which I think went a long way toward keeping the boy interested. Good tactic to reach the non-horror obsessed.) like the beheading of the server at the restaurant, there’s still an unnerving, underlying vibe. Everything is just too bright, too vivid, like a bad dream.


And of course I have three cheers for the blood/gore. THEY USE AN ALLIGATOR! Are you shitting me? You can’t beat that! The blood spurted with 1980’s slasher abandon. This elicited applause from me as mass amounts of gushing blood is known to do. Also quite memorable was hearing “Is the radio in his head?” from the boy.

Balls, I'm gushing aren't I?

I guess I just can't help myself. See for yourself. Snag it now! (Also take a look around the official site for cool downloads and pics.)

Knock Knock (or My God, That's a Bad Movie)

I tend to be somewhat of a horror movie cheerleader. Even really bad movies I take pretty lightheartedly (ah the mockery that was Backwoods) but every now and then we run across one that even I can’t find a soft spot for.




Knock Knock was one of those. In defense of the purchase of this piece of waste, we were mislead. It was one of those movies that look really awesome on the cover. And the write up on the back didn’t sound half bad. The boy brought it home and while it didn’t look interesting enough for us to watch immediately, we did finally get around to it.

I’m not even sure where I should start with the bagging on this one. Stock plot, stock characters, stock boogeyman, and the most fantastically bad acting I’ve seen outside of porn. (Actually I’m wondering if a couple of the female characters haven’t wondered down that road.) The story is that someone is knocking on the doors of teenagers and killing them when they open up. At least that’s the story at first. The story then morphs into teenagers getting killed in places that have something to do with their father. Then a little later on, teenagers getting killed in ways that have something to do with their father. Confused yet? Bad thing is even though the movie went through all these different plots, they were all stock. Every last plot device was something (horror) fans have seen a million times.

Of course to round out the plot that’s been done a million times, we had to have the overdone characters as well. The slut, the jock, the alterna-skateboard kid, the creepy/mentally handicap janitor, the old cop who is trying to reconnect with his family, and the oh so sweet heroine with the traumatic family life. Yawn. Add to this zero character development. Really, it was more like here’s your characters; we realize that dialogue and definition are not our strong points so we’ll just kill them off immediately.

On to the bad guy (more like the ridiculous guy). Let’s take Freddy Kruger and Jason and smash them together. Then let’s rob them of any personality or real creativity they have. Those two quick steps will get you Rico (and really how are you going to strike fear in the heart of anyone with a name like that? I personally can’t hear the name Rico without tacking Suave on the end of it. Heh, not only is he a killer, he’s a Latin lover). Rico’s father ran a funeral parlor. Some mean boys played a prank that went wrong and Rico ended up being partially toasted; now he’s back, gasp, with a mask! Way to not be innovative!

The only way this assload of bad writing could have sparkled on the screen was through really good acting. I like to think that a really good actor could make most things shine. Instead Knock Knock chose to go the other way entirely and find some extraordinarily bad actors/actresses. For example the lead crying over her dead grandfather did not make me feel pity for her, it only made me wish that Rico would have gotten her instead. The only believable character was the slut. She looked slutty and she sounded slutty. Mission accomplished.

My recommendation on this one: if you have the choice of watching Knock Knock or poking yourself in the eye for an hour and a half, I’d go with the poking.

Ah, the Disappointment

I admit it I was hella hyped for Halloween II. Seriously, part one was on point (see my gushing here). Sadly, as much as I wanted to like the sequel, it was pretty hard.



On the bright side, it was brutal. It’s absolutely delightful to see someone get their head stomped in, (and this is why so many people think I need therapy) I think the horror genre needs more head stomping. There was no lag, no story build up they just got right to the killin’. Also, Scout Taylor-Compton, she is 100% awesomeness. Granted no one is going to give her an Oscar for a horror flick but that performance was mind-blowing. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen someone commit to a character like that.

With great disappointment I have to admit it, the bad outweighed the good. The first thing, the boy pointed this out, was the grunting from Michael. Now, to me, it made each kill seem that much more brutal but the boy’s issue rang true: the silent Michael was creepier. His silent dismembering and butchering gave a supernatural feel to the carnage. The loss of this took the flick in more of a torture porn direction.

My second gripe was the loss of Daeg Faerch. Honestly, I feel sorry for Chase Vanek. Faerch was AMAZING in Halloween. His portrayal of young Michael got under your skin. That scene with the bully left you shaken. You could see the evil in his eyes. Vanek’s performance fell flat. The kid just looked too damn happy and cute. (Which if you see Faerch in person he’s not creepy at all. He’s an adorable, sweet looking little boy who throws up the peace sign in pics. This only makes me admire the talent displayed in his Halloween performance even more.)

The biggest let down was the direction Zombie took with the addition of the ghostly scenes from Michael/Laurie’s minds. I saw where he was going, I was at the train station, I had my ticket, but I just didn’t get there. It was an interesting supernatural turn and I think it was meant to illustrate the damage being done to poor Laurie’s mind. But it, like Vanek’s performance, just fell flat. There was something missing that rendered it unbelievable. I think it was lacking just a touch of grit that the rest of the movie had in abundance.

The Laurie dream sequences illustrated Zombie’s knack for pointing out how scary confusion is (like in House of 1000 Corpses, which was painfully horrible) and while it is a million times better than House, he’s still not there yet. Again, there’s a degree of grit lacking that makes it seem too fake (again better suited for torture porn).

In the end I didn’t walk out of the theater angry (and when I sit through a completely ridiculous movie, believe me, I walk out pissed). I wanted to like it but after marinating on it overnight all it really merits from me was “ahh” complete with non-committed should shrug.

And despite all of this I have not lost faith in Rob Zombie. *THIS* looks like a hell of a good time.

Hack and Slash Weekend

Friday night I got in the mood to watch something cheesy and Cheerleader Camp had been lying around for a while.




It was quintessential cheap 80’s slasher horror. Within the first ten minutes we were treated to two nice natural looking sets of tits and one fat guy in drag. The plot was paper thin and both the effects and the acting were phenomenally bad. In other words, perfect cheap/cheesy horror. A van full of cheerleaders (with exceptionally large hair, I mean this was the 80’s) heads out to a camp in the woods. Our main character is pretty, popular, and plagued with horrifying dreams. These dreams get progressively worse as camp goes on and people start to die. Is she killing people in her sleep? Is the creepy cook or equally creepy grounds man killing people? Or is it the boyfriend? Or the roommate? I’m not telling but the boy and I placed out bets about halfway through and we were right, wasn’t too hard to figure out. Also noteworthy was the vehicle for warning the audience of impending death…. a full screen of red! No, not blood splashed up obscuring everything, just a red screen. 100 percent awesome. Defiantly worth watching to fill up a boring night (but only if you appreciate the cheese).

Then much to my delight, Saturday morning as I was sitting on the couch, the boy came out and presented me with a list of movie times and the address to a Chinese restaurant. The restaurant was a bust, but the movie we decided on was not. In fact it was one of the most shockingly violent movies I’ve seen in a nice long while.




The Collector is one that hasn’t seemed to get a lot of press. No huge names, just a trailer here and there (the trailer doesn’t do the movie justice AT ALL). It looking interesting enough and my buddy (johnnyhorror) had told me it was nice and violent.

The story is, a contractor, Arkin (antihero) is working on a house, he decides to rob the place of a bit of precious stone kept locked away in a safe. Not that he’s a bad guy per say, but his lady and his kid are in trouble and they need money. Problem is, when he gets to the house there is already someone there, and by someone I mean quite possibly the most sadistic mother fucker walking earth. The couple who live in the house are busy being tortured downstairs (quite graphically) and after hearing some screams and realizing that he is mostly trapped in the house anyway (booby traps on the doors, windows, stairs, everywhere) he decides to try and help out. This leads to a bit of cat and mouse as Arkin tries to help the couple, keep the teenage daughter out of the house, and save the youngest daughter all while avoiding the bad guy and dodge all the traps. And let me expand on the traps, I’m not talking about trip wire here and there, I’m talking about a chandelier of knifes, sticky acid type substance on the bedroom floor, bear traps in the den, and windows boarded shut with razors attached to the boards. The filming also added to the intensity of the movie by keeping things just dark and gritty enough (think Seven). You spend the film hoping for the best but still expecting the worst, and just when you think it’s over, surprise, there’s one more little twist. I let the theater on the high that you only get from really good movies. Run, watch it now!

Coming Up

I wanted to be blogging instead of doing school work, so I gave in.

I’m pretty excited about some new flicks on the horizon, lots of hack, slash, and even some 3D gore coming up soon. The three at the top of my gotta see list:

Jennifer’s Body



Me and just about every other straight male in the world want to see this one. Personally I am not a fan of Megan Fox. Her acting has been pretty weak and she’s got that distinct trailer park look about her. (I find it funny that she’s been clamoring about being taken more seriously as an actress and then she goes and gets herself signed on for a horror flick. That’s surely the way to get you an Oscar.) But in the case of Jennifer’s Body she seems a perfect fit for the title character. The other starring role is played by Amanda Seyfried (but will get sooo much less press) who I think is adorable.

It’s a teen flick about a gorgeous, popular cheerleader who gets possessed by a demon and starts eating boys. We can expect some snappy dialogue since it’s from the writer of Juno which I think is a good thing. I’m of the mind that teen slasher flicks most often go wrong when they take themselves too seriously (think “I Know What You Did Last Summer”, those kids just seemed far too serious, even for a bunch who were getting hunted and butchered by a fisherman).

So we have a hot chick eating up boys and some giggles with a big fat R rating (and my oh my do R ratings make me happy). It opens September 18th and if you take a peek at the website make sure you watch the restricted trailer (it makes it look much better).

Halloween 2



Upon the release of Rob Zombie’s remake of Halloween, I sat in my favorite seat (center of the row about two from the back) in the theater prepared for the worst. I had seen House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects and the only thing worth mentioning about them was Sheri Moon Zombie and all her abundant hotness (you want hot chick? Megan Fox has NOTHING on Sheri Moon Zombie!). For me, Halloween was one of the most delicious film surprises ever! Daeg Faerch’s Michael Myers was 100% bone chilling, (I can’t tell you how many times I replayed the scene where he beat the bully to death in the woods. I think all school aged bullies should be made to watch that scene and issued the warning that “this could be you, you mean little fucker”) Zombie’s vision of the story was the perfect mixture of homage to the original and expansion of the story, and it had more of Sheri Moon Zombie being amazing and hot (not to mention she nailed the stripper/mom with disgruntled home life. I know stripper/moms with disgruntled home lives and that was an on-point portrayal). So based on what I saw in the first one, I’m hella down to see the next one.

I had hoped Zombie would be doing a part two although I wasn’t sure it was going to happen. Upon hearing there would be one the boy and I watched the first one again to double check on the ending. That resulted in a debate on if a person could really live after being shot in the head. I fall on the side of the many many horror movies that teach us that, yes, if someone is truly evil they can live through a shot to the dome. Silly boy, he comes in on the side of reality. Meh. But now in the trailer we see Michael popping out of the Coroner truck (and Mr. Zombie, how I adore you for picking your 2nd movie up where the 1st on left off. And you’ve adapted Dr. Loomis’s yelping about shooting Michael 6 (or was it 7? It’s been a while) times to having 6 guys shoot him. Your attention to detail is superb, you do us movie fans proud, sir) and that sufficiently ties up that loose end.

So I’m excited for about a billion and four reasons on this one. August 28th we get to see if round two is as great as round one.

The Final Destination



First of all, let’s get this straight, it’s Final Destination 4. Church it up however you want but it’s still the 4th one of these damn movies.

Even with that being said, I like them. I can’t help it. I’ve like each and every one of the Final Destination movies. Intricate deaths with plenty of blood and screaming, I tend to like that. Also anytime I get to see someone offed with a nail gun, my day is made (part 3). (Not to mention the Tony Todd bits in each of them. He’s one of the greats.) So I’ll be there to check out the new one. Especially since it’s releasing in 3-D (thank you, My Blood Valentine for bringing back horror in 3-D. I think all horror could be great in 3-D. Please make me believe that blood, deadly objects, and nasty bits of death are flying directly at my face). It’s also opening August 28th, so maybe I’ll just have a night at the movies.

Low Expectations

Know what I’m tired of? Movie snobs

The boy went out to the store the yesterday (he has the whole week off and nothing to do. Watch the amazing dwindling joint account!) and brought me back “a something”. It happened to be the movie The Unborn.



Apparently I had mentioned in passing that I wanted the check it out (had avoided it at the theater due to the PG-13) and he had filed it away in memory.

I didn’t remember much of anything about the flick when we popped it in last night. A girl with a twin that never got born. Something is trying to kill her. (This was what I informed the boy, complete with shrug, when he asked me what it was going to be about.) So after the boy grumbling about my lack of knowledge and the inability to skip the previews (that shit makes him freaking crazy!) we selected the unrated option and we were off on a movie adventure with low expectations.

Know what? It wasn’t bad. Dare I say I liked it? First there was the pleasant surprise of Cam Gigandet. Not only is he pretty easy on the eyes, he’s growing on me as an actor. Granted the roles I’ve seen him in thus far don’t give him room to really shine (we’re not talking, Leonardo Dicaprio here people.) but I see some potential in him. Whenever he gets the chance to do some evil on screen, it’s believable. I’m pretty sure he could make a good career of bad guy. And did I mention he’s awfully easy on the eyes?

The movie is strictly by the book with its sad Nazi camp back story, the “demon” that needs a door way, creepy movie projector scenes, traumatic childhood, and bad dreams. Although you can see the jump scenes coming far over the horizon, they still manage to get the job done. (There’s nothing I get more scare out of then a mirror. Damn things just give me the heebie jeebies.) However, there were some fun throw away scenes that I adored. The priests made them sign papers prior to the exorcism! A mighty realistic touch there. And I know for sure if I get beaten to death by a large, possessed priest I want that shit written on my tombstone! “Here lies Nikkole. A huge possessed priest beat her to death.” Priceless.

Watching this one was an altogether pleasing way to spend the evening. The flick wasn't amazingly fantastic, but it got the job done.

And that’s what annoys the fuck out of me. Today I get online to do a little research on it because I knew it was destine for a blog review. People hated this flick. The same things I took in stride (weak plot, cheesy acting) other people detested. Normal movie loving people, I give them some room to gripe. They don’t really get into the horror cheese. But the horror people junked this one too. It seems to me that these people are expecting waaaay too much from new horror flicks. Are you telling me you want to bag on a flick for bad acting? I’ve read (or maybe heard) the in the original Halloween (oh, yeah, bringing out the big guns) that PJ Soles gagged and gurgled as long as she could during her death scene just to get a little more screen time. That supposed to be good acting? And don’t even get me started on some of the plot holes of the much beloved horror giants. What’s the deal? Are people of the mind that just because there are lots of new glossy filming techniques that go into new horror movies that the entire genre should be 100% new and improved? I think people are forgetting to suspend the disbelief at opening credits. Their forgetting this is supposed to be fun.

So I say lower your expectations people. Don’t go into a horror flick expecting a masterpiece. Just try to have some fun.

Crash, Boom, and Bay

At the 8:50 showing, there was a line. The AC in the theater seemed to have been busted (and right now in Louisiana its 81 at 8:30 in the am. You walk outside, and you immediately begin to sweat your ass off). There were the usual assholes who think they’re so important they can’t sit through a whole movie without texting someone; despite all that, I enjoyed the hell out of Transformers: The Revenge of the Fallen.





I’ve looked at the reviews and yeah, they look pretty bad. The people who said the worst about the film seemed to have three distinct gripes: they watched all the cartoons when they were younger and everything is wrong, the story telling was sooo horrible, and it wasn’t “family friendly”.

To the “everything is wrong” people, first let me say this: put down your toys and get yourself some sex. I’m serious! Sex will change your life! Now, I understand seeing something you love on screen and feeling that someone just took the names of your favorite characters and made a movie with them. I’m a Stephen King fan, ‘nuff said. However, I’ve come to realize that movies are probably going to be vastly different from the material their based on (particularly in the case of movies based on earlier materials). Thusly, if I have a lot of myself invested in a character I’m not going to see a remake (you think your gonna catch me at the remake… excuse me… reimagining of Nightmare on Elm Street? Negative, Ghostrider). I’m not going to set myself up to get my feelings hurt. I can’t honestly tell you how close Transformers is to the source material. (I wasn’t Transformers girl, I was Barbie girl.) If you really want to know, ask a fanboy.

Addressing the bad story telling. When you hear the name Michael Bay, you should immediately assume that you’re not heading into sophisticated drama territory. In my opinion Bay is good at doing two things: blowing shit up and slapping a coat of gloss on old stuff making it tolerable for teenage brats with no attention span. Does that sound bad? Sure it does. But if you know that’s what you’re headed into when you walking in the theater, you can’t get mad. The story was easy enough to follow, the Decepticons are trying to do the revenge thing and kick earth’s ass. Again Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is tapped by the Autobots to help put a stop to it. He doesn’t really want to because he’d rather be off doing to college thing. Under the crash, boom, bang and robots, there’s the subtle transformation (heh) from boy to man. So yeah, the plot is paper thin, but that’s not what you’re supposed to be there for. You’re there for robots fighting and shit blowing up. Mr. Bay reaches his objective once again.

“Family friendly”. I hate that term. I took my 11 year old nephew to see this. I found it age appropriate. In fact the Autobots with the foul mouths were what tickled him the most. (And me too for that matter. When used appropriately, dirty words can be hilarious.) Now when I say foul mouth I don’t mean they sound like my soldier boys after a few beers. I mean there was a scattering of bitch and ass. Word is you can’t say fuck more than twice in a PG-13 flick. (Fuck… heh, I’m now rated R.) Now was this movie appropriate for 4 and 5 year olds who have a tendency to repeat things like parrots? Probably not. But that’s what the rating system is for. Ideally, a person should see that little PG-13 and say to themselves, “Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t take little 4 year old Timmy to see this.” But of course that doesn’t happen and these idiots want to bag on a flick for being too vulgar when the real problem is their too damn stupid to consider the rating.

The movie was funny and fun. I think that most of the people who hated this one just need to lighten up. Is this a classic that will be revered through history? Nope, but it was great way to spend an evening with my boys.

The Lust List

1.  

Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet. I can’t wait to see. There’s a great online base for this movie including a twitter page and a ten thou contest. Hopefully it’s as good as its hype. http://www.bloodnightmovie.com/

2.  
The Sleepaway Camp Survival Kit. Been wanting to get my hands on this set for a while. Not only are these classic 80’s horror, but the packaging is fantastic. Probably pick it up from Amazon sooner or later.

3.

Repo! The Genetic Opera. Horror musical with Anthony Head (Giles!) playing one of the leading roles. Apparently this is turning into a cult hit kind of like Rocky Horror Picture Show (which I’ve never seen, just heard the comparisons). Looks interesting enough to get me excited. http://www.repo-opera.com/

I'm Not Making This Up

I have to take part of the blame for this fiasco.

When the boy came home from picking up a copy of Transformers so I would finally watch it (I have my reasons, damn it) he told me that he had seen a movie that looked right up my alley. A fat guy dressed in a muumuu holding a severed arm on the cover. It looks horrible, he says, looks like you’ll love it. I, of course, responded with enthusiasm. Cross dressing wackos? Where do I sign up?

The title of this little gem? “Backwoods”.



So then movie night rolled around. With the warning that if it sucked I was getting the blame, the boy snags a couple of flicks, Backwoods included. Sshady, the Boy, and I all settle in to watch. Before the movie started there was a note from the producers. I only caught a glimpse of it so I called for a quick rewind. Not only was the note thanking what I presume was a school for the use of foreign exchange student, but there were misspelled words! Laughter ensued.

The laughter did not stop as the movie rolled. The beginning of the film starts with was looks like the work of a camcorder simply filming some woods with changing colored lenses. As the viewer is given this visual treat, a gravelly voice tells the story of Mangina (yep, that vagina but with man). I’m not sure what the story was exactly. I really couldn’t hear much over my own howling laughter. Adding to this hilarity was the death look the boy was giving me (he lacks my passion for really bad movies). He asserted that the film had exactly five minutes.

Five minutes was exactly enough for me to laugh my way into sore abs. The first shot of the film’s action was of a fat ass. At first we weren’t sure it was an ass and hearing the question “is that an ass?” is always funny. The shot of fat ass turns into two fat people humping against a tree. After they finish the girl (who I’m fairly certain was a guy in drag, and if it wasn’t, it was the ugliest woman I have EVER seen) begins to exclaim about how she knows she’s pregnant because she can feel the seed. This prompts the guys she’s with to bolt, fresh laughter from Shady and I, and a pained look from the boy. She/he then wanders through the woods yelling about how Dean must has left for the army and that Dean cannot make their baby a bastard. Seriously, I was having trouble even breathing at this point. Then the film skipped to 30 years later. Where our lady/guy is still pregnant. After moments of mutter about how she’d (he’d) carried this baby for thirty years and she’d (he’d) carry it for thirty more, the child decided to make its way into the world. Anally. And there on the ground covered in birthing muck was a full grown fat man. Who spoke to his mother like an uber-intellectual and referred to himself as a genius. My mind was blown.

The boy reached the end of his leniency and immediately enacted his veto.

I plan to watch it all one night. Just me and a bunch of beer. I may never recover.

(We ended up watching “Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon”, which I recommend. It’s kind of a sleeper at first but very much worth sticking with. Nathan Baesel, who plays the title character, is on point and I look forward to seeing more of him.)

The Blockbusters and The Really Good Stuff

The boy and I have been hitting the summer movies the past couple of weekends. Thus far, I'm not really impressed.

Wolverine was the bigger disappointment for me. I've always dug the X-Men flicks. I'm not a fangirl but I do have a little bit of knowledge about who’s who and what’s what, and my all time favorite character is Gambit. (Him being native and all that makes sense.) So there I was all amped.... some Hugh Jackman reprising his role as Wolverine (which suits him so gosh darn well), the promise of finding out how/why Wolverine is Wolverine (I maintain, NOT A FANGIRL), some Gambit action, and some Ryan Reynolds thrown in for good measure (seriously, if that guy is shirtless I'll watch him read the phone book). And it still managed to fail. The biggest problem was the whole film seemed rushed. The plot, the acting, the effects, everything. And can I speak on the effects for just a minute? Good grief! I’m not tech girl either but the CGI was just a mess. Even the horror flicks try harder than that. The shots of Wolverine's claws were particularly bad, which is a major deduction in points as the movie is ABOUT HIM. And my biggest problem? The thing I wanted to see the most. I'm not sure what kind of direction Taylor Kitsch had but his Gambit broke my heart. Here’s the thing about actors and the state of Louisiana. Typically when an actor/actress portrays someone from here, they go way too far with the Cajun accent (gives people the idea that were all running around down here in pirogues with gators as pets. And you know what, we are! I actually have two gators! And I eat crawfish for every meal! And that guy from The Waterboy, well he lives right down the bayou from me! Hee hee). However, Gambit is SUPPOSED to sound like that. It's part of his charm. And bless his heart; Kitsch didn’t even give it a go. Sad sad sad.

On the up side, I did think Liev Schreiber (who I’m beginning to think is just wonderful) did a bang up job as Sabertooth. Made the whole film worth sitting through. Also, going in I had no idea that Dominic Monaghan (whom I just adore. What a cutie.) was going to be in it. Happy surprise.

All and all, I'd say wait for DVD.


I have far far less to say about Terminator Salvation. I wanted to watch the previous flicks before I went to see this one, jog the memory, but I didn’t get a chance to. Without remembering exactly what the hell was going on, all I was really looking forward to was crash, boom, bang and robots. It delivered. Plenty of action, not much in the way of plot. Also I didn’t see a single performance in that film that I considered good. I know thousands of women can’t be wrong about the amazingness that is Christian Bale, but I just don’t see it. (Also for so reason he reminds me of Matthew Fox on Lost and I constantly want to kick his character in the teeth. Hard to see John Connor when all you’re getting is Jack Sheppard.) Worth seeing if you’re looking for some action but I’d have to say it only really merits a DVDing as well.



On to the good stuff:




Had heard a little about Amusement on some horror blogs and had seen it a couple of times in the movie store but I hadn’t gotten around to giving it a go. Much to my delight Sshady (best movie buddy in the world) brought it over on movie night. What a great, twisted, creepy little slasher flick! It followed the usual slasher formula (weirdo from the past stalks pretty girls) but with some odd twists (nope not giving a damn thing away, go get it and watch for yourself). Best thing about this flick is it honestly gave me the heebie-jeebies. I’m terrified of exactly two things, needles and clowns. If a guy in a clown suit chased me around with a needle I would drop dead of fright. I thought that the clown fear was just a childhood thing (too many horror flicks at a young age. And aside from that I seem to equate clowns with child molesters. Grown men (generally) who dress up in costume and play with kids. *shiver*) but the urge to hide behind the boy’s superman blanket as the creepy clown owned the screen proved that theory wrong. If you like horror flicks, you HAVE to watch this one. Go now! Watch!

I’m still holding out hope for the big screen. B says I have to watch Star Trek even though it really doesn’t sound like my cup of tea. Besides, I like seeing stuff on the big screen even if it sucks. At least I do when there’s not some jackass chatting through the whole flick, but that’s a whole other blog.