Hybrid

There are plenty of films you can’t safely slot into a category these days. For instance the Underworld series, is it horror? Is it action? It seemed when I was younger that if there was a vampire in a movie it was a fairly safe bet that you were watching a horror movie. These days, not so much. Even the low budget romps are sliding over the genre borders. Fist of the Vampire for instance

After watching this one I had the idea that bunch of guys were just hanging out in the dojo chatting about what would make a really cool movie. In my mind scenario they were all hella stoned. The conversation went something like this: “Dude, we should totally make a movie.” “Yeah, about an underground fighting ring like Fight Club. Just we’d make it more awesome.” “So much more awesome… and Dude, we could put vampires in it!” “Fuck yeah dude! A underground vampire fighting ring. Sweet.” Possibly I put waaaay too much thought into this.

The first thing you notice about this flick is that it’s shot like a gritty 70’s cop drama. Muted colors and just a touch of shakiness. Add to this the plot starting out like a Steven Seagal flick (kid’s family gets killed which will eventually lead him to seek revenge as an adult) and you’ve pretty much moved out of horrorland…. but then you see that the folks massacring the kid’s family are vampires. The movie moves on into the future where our hero has made a successful career as a cop. He’s sent undercover to break up and illegal gambling/fighting ring that…. wait for it… just happens to be ran by the vampires who killed his family! Gasp!

While the plot left a whole lot to be desired this film didn’t suck nearly as bad as I thought it would. Even though we knew exactly how it would end we still felt compelled to see it through til the end. That’s a lot more than I can say for some of the shit we’ve watched. When things get a little silly or slow there’s hot girl on girl and plenty of ass kicking to help things along. Mainly this one just suffers from taking its self too seriously.

I Fail.

I shouldn’t write this review. It’s not really fair to write reviews about movies that you haven’t finished, but Crank: High Voltage

lost me.

I loved the first one. After watching Crank I thought Jason Statham was the coolest guy EVER; in fact I was pretty sure he used up also most all of the cool that is allotted for balding British guys. Crank had snappy humor, tons of action, and a healthy dose of nudity. Fantastic, a great action flick that isn’t crash, boom, Bay. So of course I was looking forward to part 2.

I’m not going to complain about how much suspension of disbelief is necessary to buy into the plot (the mostly dead body of Chev Chelios is scooped up by some more angry gangsters. They snatch his heart and give him a fake one, leaving him alive so their boss can have the joy of seeing him killed. This, of course, leads Chelios to chase folks all over the city). I’m a horror fan; I can get on board for some really far-fetched shit. My problems with this one lay elsewhere.

From the beginning things were just too shaky and confusing. Like everyone involved in the filming was on a drastic combination of coke and ecstasy. I’m also not a big fan of a first person style camera shot (don’t know the technical term for this, think first person shooter video games), which was used frequently. Honestly though, I think I could have lived with that.

What finally made me throw in the towel was the porn vibe. I like a good set of titties as much as the next person, but that much naked is just trying to compensate for something. After watching Amy Smart (love love love her) get felt up by a fellow stripper in the back of a cop car for no reason I could fathom I finally gave it up and started in on the laundry. If I want to watch chicks getting up on each other I’ve got quite the collection on the bedroom shelf, I don’t find that it’s necessary to my action flicks.

The boy finished it and told me I didn’t miss much. I’ll probably try to get through it again (if nothing else just because I hope Bai Ling's character gets the crap kicked out of her again. She was so fucking annoying), but for the time being I’ll suffice to say I wasn’t impressed. (This does not, however, diminish my love for Jason Statham. Just thought I’d throw that out there.)

The Blockbusters and The Really Good Stuff

The boy and I have been hitting the summer movies the past couple of weekends. Thus far, I'm not really impressed.

Wolverine was the bigger disappointment for me. I've always dug the X-Men flicks. I'm not a fangirl but I do have a little bit of knowledge about who’s who and what’s what, and my all time favorite character is Gambit. (Him being native and all that makes sense.) So there I was all amped.... some Hugh Jackman reprising his role as Wolverine (which suits him so gosh darn well), the promise of finding out how/why Wolverine is Wolverine (I maintain, NOT A FANGIRL), some Gambit action, and some Ryan Reynolds thrown in for good measure (seriously, if that guy is shirtless I'll watch him read the phone book). And it still managed to fail. The biggest problem was the whole film seemed rushed. The plot, the acting, the effects, everything. And can I speak on the effects for just a minute? Good grief! I’m not tech girl either but the CGI was just a mess. Even the horror flicks try harder than that. The shots of Wolverine's claws were particularly bad, which is a major deduction in points as the movie is ABOUT HIM. And my biggest problem? The thing I wanted to see the most. I'm not sure what kind of direction Taylor Kitsch had but his Gambit broke my heart. Here’s the thing about actors and the state of Louisiana. Typically when an actor/actress portrays someone from here, they go way too far with the Cajun accent (gives people the idea that were all running around down here in pirogues with gators as pets. And you know what, we are! I actually have two gators! And I eat crawfish for every meal! And that guy from The Waterboy, well he lives right down the bayou from me! Hee hee). However, Gambit is SUPPOSED to sound like that. It's part of his charm. And bless his heart; Kitsch didn’t even give it a go. Sad sad sad.

On the up side, I did think Liev Schreiber (who I’m beginning to think is just wonderful) did a bang up job as Sabertooth. Made the whole film worth sitting through. Also, going in I had no idea that Dominic Monaghan (whom I just adore. What a cutie.) was going to be in it. Happy surprise.

All and all, I'd say wait for DVD.


I have far far less to say about Terminator Salvation. I wanted to watch the previous flicks before I went to see this one, jog the memory, but I didn’t get a chance to. Without remembering exactly what the hell was going on, all I was really looking forward to was crash, boom, bang and robots. It delivered. Plenty of action, not much in the way of plot. Also I didn’t see a single performance in that film that I considered good. I know thousands of women can’t be wrong about the amazingness that is Christian Bale, but I just don’t see it. (Also for so reason he reminds me of Matthew Fox on Lost and I constantly want to kick his character in the teeth. Hard to see John Connor when all you’re getting is Jack Sheppard.) Worth seeing if you’re looking for some action but I’d have to say it only really merits a DVDing as well.



On to the good stuff:




Had heard a little about Amusement on some horror blogs and had seen it a couple of times in the movie store but I hadn’t gotten around to giving it a go. Much to my delight Sshady (best movie buddy in the world) brought it over on movie night. What a great, twisted, creepy little slasher flick! It followed the usual slasher formula (weirdo from the past stalks pretty girls) but with some odd twists (nope not giving a damn thing away, go get it and watch for yourself). Best thing about this flick is it honestly gave me the heebie-jeebies. I’m terrified of exactly two things, needles and clowns. If a guy in a clown suit chased me around with a needle I would drop dead of fright. I thought that the clown fear was just a childhood thing (too many horror flicks at a young age. And aside from that I seem to equate clowns with child molesters. Grown men (generally) who dress up in costume and play with kids. *shiver*) but the urge to hide behind the boy’s superman blanket as the creepy clown owned the screen proved that theory wrong. If you like horror flicks, you HAVE to watch this one. Go now! Watch!

I’m still holding out hope for the big screen. B says I have to watch Star Trek even though it really doesn’t sound like my cup of tea. Besides, I like seeing stuff on the big screen even if it sucks. At least I do when there’s not some jackass chatting through the whole flick, but that’s a whole other blog.