The Skin Crawl

So let’s talk about elements of fear again.  Today’s topic: the skin crawl.  The skin crawl is vastly different from real fear.  The skin crawl makes you wiggle in your seat.  Your spine gets itchy and you find your ass scooting up the back of the couch trying to get the hell away from the TV.  Real fear, on the other hand, is paralyzing.  Real fear, which I’ve found rarely on the screen (mostly it just rears its ugly head in dreams), roots you to the ground leaving you unable to function in the face of pending doom.  Except for your bladder.  That fucker has an operating system of its own.  So what do you think will be easier for a movie to accomplish?  Bring on the creepy crawlies!

Forget Me Not

nailed the skin crawl.  How?  Well, first they kept the creepy things just out of sight.  When you can’t lay eyes on the creepy thing… when the danger is just beyond what you can fully perceive it’s always scarier.  You hear vicious barking behind a closed door and your scared your about to get your head torn off.  You open the door and see a puntable ankle biter, not so much. Forget Me Not kept the scary just out of sight just enough to get a “what the fuck was that?”.  And then there’s the freaky crawly dead thing.  You know the shit that got really popular with The Ring.  Dead folks that are both ghastly white and decaying dark. 

And they move way too fucking fast.  Nothing all crooked and outta wack like that should be able to move that quick.  Just isn’t right.  Those bastards give me the creepy like nothing else. 

The premise of the movie unfolds slowly like a good story should.  The movement of the story begins as a group of friends graduate high school.  Main character Sandy and all her peeps are stoked to be getting out of school and hitting the resulting party and celebration trip.  After said party the gang heads to the graveyard to play a tricked out scary version of hide and go seek (‘cause leaving your graduation party to go play in the cemetery is a great idea.  Really).  As they begin they are joined by an unfamiliar girl who is under the impression that our leading lady should remember her.  Sweet Sandy is lost, not remember mystery girl but is quite upset when mystery girl dives over the edge of a cliff and disappears.  The action builds as members of the group are offed one by one in fairly grisly fashion (not very bloody or vicious but a solid R).  The twist is that after their untimely demises no one seems to remember them but Sandy. I appreciated that the viewer had to put two and two along right with Sandy.   After each death there were changes in “reality”.  With each death the severity of the changes mounted.  I’m only a little ashamed to admit it took us a couple dead teens to catch on to what was happening. Without spoiling the shit out of everything I’ll just say that this is a past coming back to haunt you kind of flick.  

So what’s the downside?  Bad acting.  The kind of acting that makes critic turn up their noses.  But not so bad that I was hoping characters would die quickly so that’s something.  

Bottom line, we caught this on Netfilx but I think I’ll have to add it to the collection at some point.  It’s worth a rewatch.

Excuse Me, I Have to Feed My Gator

Funny thing about movies, horror in particular, you know from the opening when a movie is set in Louisiana.  I mean, everyone knows there’s nothing but swamp here and everyone’s Grandmama knows voodoo or hoodoo or something to that effect.  And we all row around in pirogues all day.  In fact that’s how I got to work today.  But I digress. 

Venom

is a supernatural slasher flick set right here in my home state where everything is all swampy and scary.

To be brutally honest, it’s a lame movie.  It probably won’t rank among the top ten in my worst horror flicks ever but it’s pretty damn bad.

The cast hit a few of modest notes with the appearance of Jonathan Jackson (Riding the Bullet, General Hospital), Laura Ramsey (The Covenant), and Bijou Phillips (Hostel II, Bully).  It’s a cast of people you know but you don’t really know where the hell you know them from.  I talk a lot about stock characters and this film takes it to the extreme.  Not only was every character an idea that’s been done a million times but it seemed as if the actors even felt it and threw in the towel.  Phillips death scene as the about to be shattered Tammy was ridiculously unbelievable.  I honestly wished she would have been offed about two minutes before it actually happened just to shut up the insanely fake wailing.  And quite frankly the gay guy should have been much much gayer. 

Along with the halfass performances there was a pile of played out story line.  It began with Grandma creeping around in the graveyard in the middle of the night digging up some evil.  Then we moved on to the development of the villain… you know, the one that never meant to be a villain but happened on some unfortunate circumstances that made him evil.  And of course there was the heroine with the hard life, desperate to leave the small town behind.  If I didn’t know better I’d be half inclined to believe that a couple of twelve year olds wrote this screen play after reading too many Fear Street books.

What kept this rubbish from being completely meritless?  Well,  I saw to the end just to see if my original assumption that the pretty boy boyfriend would never make it was right.  And, of course, I was.  Sorry, Lucky, you’re a little too cute to live, here’s a screwdriver to the dome.  There were some other high points as well; watching snake guy Ray wreck shop with his tire iron was fun.  Also you can pretty much guarantee you are fucked out of luck when you try to flee only to find your car (your bug) on its top.  If you find the wheels of your car in the air you are destined to fail at horror movie survival.   It says a lot that humor , not scare factor, made this bearable.

I would suggest buying this if you find it in the five dollar bin…in a combo pack… with two other, better movies.

Childhood Memories

Don't call it a comeback, I've  been here for years.  Why, yes I did just kick this off with cheesy early 90's rap lyrics.  It makes a fitting intro to not only my return to blogging but also to the subject at hand.  Nostalgia.  Horror nostalgia.  Tales From the Crypt . 

Aw, the memories.  The creepy slow mo intro, the squealy puppet, the snark.  Like Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, and similar series, Tales from the Crypt is a fond cinematic childhood memory.  As is the spin off movie Demon Knight.

From the opening sequence of the actual movie (not the Crypt Keeper intro, that's just fun stuff) you see that this one is going less for scary and more for splashy/edgy.   You've got an epic high speed car crash in the middle of nowhere.   Two dudes exit car crash  with little to no injury, all the while "Hey Man, Nice Shot" by Filter is screaming along in the background.  Splashy and edgy.

After the explosive (I really just can't resist a good pun.  I apologize.) beginning, the story progresses with the intro of the cast of characters.  This is made up of a shit ton of archetypes.  You've got the sheriff and his bumbling sidekick,  the friendly old drunk, the cute kid, the sweet hooker, the motherly yet stern older lady, the hapless dork (who doubles as the wackjob postal worker.  Two stereotypes in one, that shit deserves some props!), the douchey boyfriend, and the trying to make a new life heroine.  I think the writer may have drawn up a list of most often used horror characters and decided to slap every single one of them in one script.   And while that is fairly cheesy, it's countered with snappy yet believable dialogue.   And we do get a dash of real ambiguity during the exposition in determining which of the epic car crash (at least 100 mph!) survivors is the hero and which one is the villain. 

After we establish that Breaker (played by William Sadler, who never fucking fails.  One particularly note worthy performance being Karl 'Red' Cooper in the CSI episode  "Killer") is our hero and The Collector (Billy Zane, aka the most charismatic bad guy ever) is our villain, the real action begins.  Heads roll (literally), demons sprout from the ground in the only semi-scary scene in the whole movie, people are possessed, and an old lady gives the finger with a phantom arm.  In with all this action and good times twists the story of a key that Breaker must protect.  Said key returning to the hands of the demons that seek it would curse the world to darkness.  The key also contains the blood of Jesus which provides protection in the form of seals on doors/windows/openings and just like in any night of marathon drinking the goal is to not break the seal.  

This movie is so cheesy it could have come from the pages of the comics just like the television show did. But it's not a loss.  While it did take a shot at being edgy, it also relied on the elements that made the show so successful; a damn good sense of humor and over the top gore.  And then there's that whole thing where Billy Zane is so awesome at playing a bad guy its hard to take your eyes off him.   It's another one of those films that you can't go into expecting gold.  It's most enjoyable when looked at as a light hearted romp or if your just nostalgic for a good old Crypt Keeper story.

Keep It in Your Pants

Rape is bad. But according to Law and Order rapists are still raping (they climbing in your window snatching your people up… ). Thusly, the horror genre takes it upon itself to reiterate the “don’t rape, it’s not cool” message in movies like I Spit on Your Grave




Critics panned this one, once again confirming my suspicion that critics should stick with high brow fare. This remake of the controversial original (which was also panned) is one of the best horror flicks I’ve seen in a long damn time. Jennifer, a writer, decides to take some time off in a secluded cabin in the woods. All horror fans know this will lead to certain misfortune. On her way to the cabin she meets some of the more colorful locals and catches their interest. Bad for her. Jennifer is gang raped and assumed to be dead. But you know what they say about assuming. In reality she’s alive and pissed. Pissed to the 1000 degree (and rightfully so!). Cue the revenge.

Pretty basic revenge plot right? Sure, but here’s what made it amazing: first you get to see exactly where things take a downhill turn. Often in horror flicks you don’t find out exactly why the rapist does what he does. This isn’t an episode of SVU. There’s rarely an interrogation in the revenge scenes. However; I Spit on Your Grave shows the exact moment when Jennifer’s fate is sealed. As the rest of the guys taunt Johnny you see the man’s shaky hold on morality slip away. You can almost hear his inner monologue, something along the lines of “Imma rape that bitch”.

Secondly, that’s some damn good revenge. When Jennifer slaps Stanley (Daniel Franzese. Or that guy from Bully as I identified him immediately. Or that guy from Mean Girls as I later realized.) with a face full of fish guts Shady and I both approved with shrugs. That’s pretty fucked up and rude we agreed. Being tied up with your eyes pinned open and covered in fish guts certainly isn’t a fun way to spend the afternoon. I admit, we didn’t get it. Unit the crow landed in his lap. Then the living room came alive with exclamations “oh shit!” and “that’s fucking awesome!”.

The only thing I really didn’t like about this movie was how Jennifer handled the sheriff. Not that I objected to the anal violation. Nope, the moment he uttered the words “I’m an ass man” I knew that was going to come back to haunt him and I glad. I wanted the emotional side of his torture, the way Jennifer taunted him by bringing his family into the whole mess, to be worse. I wanted his sweet pregnant wife to know what a sick fuck her husband was (particularly since it was hinted at that this wasn’t the first time this rowdy bunch had did something like this). I wanted to see him mentally destroyed the same way our girl undoubtedly was.

If you don’t like graphic (seriously graphic) and realistic (seriously realistic) rape scenes avoid this flick. If you can stomach then I highly recommend this one.

Culture and Shit

Call me uncultured or unintelligent but I typically run the other way in the face of movies with subtitles. When I watch a movie I just want to check my mind out and be entertained. No reading involved. Had I done a little investigating before I picked up The Orphanage

I wouldn’t have bought it. But I’m glad I didn’t.

Shady and I ended up watching the movie simply because we were too damn lazy to get up and find something else after we realized it was subtitled. With our asses planted firmly on the couch we decided that we’d give it a little bit and if it really sucked we do something about it. Happily, it never started to suck.

Story is Laura, her husband, and her son have moved into the orphanage she lived at for a little while as a little girl where Laura plans to open a new orphanage. The story starts with most of its focus on Simon, her (adopted, unknown to him) son. He’s an imaginative little boy with a host of imaginary friends and sadly he’s HIV positive. Right away Simon’s “imaginary friend” leads him and Laura on a not so fun treasure hunt in which Simon finds out that he’s adopted and he’s dying. Soon after shit starts getting creepy.

A sad turn of events leads to the unveiling of the real story of the orphanage. Tomas, the freakishly deformed outcast, suffered a “death by teasing” (he died in a cave because he was too ashamed to come out). Tomas’s mother then poisoned the rest of the kids leaving them to haunt the orphanage.

Both of the stories twist together seamlessly to come to one rather sad and fucked up ending. But fucked up in a suitable way. It’s not a happy ending kind of story, but then when one of your main characters is a little boy with HIV, you can’t really expect everything to come up roses.

This movie was low on the blood and gore but it more than made up for it with good, old fashioned ghost story creepy. My cat may or may not have gotten smacked a couple of times due to me jumping out of my skin. So, run watch this now and get your creepy on.

Hybrid

There are plenty of films you can’t safely slot into a category these days. For instance the Underworld series, is it horror? Is it action? It seemed when I was younger that if there was a vampire in a movie it was a fairly safe bet that you were watching a horror movie. These days, not so much. Even the low budget romps are sliding over the genre borders. Fist of the Vampire for instance

After watching this one I had the idea that bunch of guys were just hanging out in the dojo chatting about what would make a really cool movie. In my mind scenario they were all hella stoned. The conversation went something like this: “Dude, we should totally make a movie.” “Yeah, about an underground fighting ring like Fight Club. Just we’d make it more awesome.” “So much more awesome… and Dude, we could put vampires in it!” “Fuck yeah dude! A underground vampire fighting ring. Sweet.” Possibly I put waaaay too much thought into this.

The first thing you notice about this flick is that it’s shot like a gritty 70’s cop drama. Muted colors and just a touch of shakiness. Add to this the plot starting out like a Steven Seagal flick (kid’s family gets killed which will eventually lead him to seek revenge as an adult) and you’ve pretty much moved out of horrorland…. but then you see that the folks massacring the kid’s family are vampires. The movie moves on into the future where our hero has made a successful career as a cop. He’s sent undercover to break up and illegal gambling/fighting ring that…. wait for it… just happens to be ran by the vampires who killed his family! Gasp!

While the plot left a whole lot to be desired this film didn’t suck nearly as bad as I thought it would. Even though we knew exactly how it would end we still felt compelled to see it through til the end. That’s a lot more than I can say for some of the shit we’ve watched. When things get a little silly or slow there’s hot girl on girl and plenty of ass kicking to help things along. Mainly this one just suffers from taking its self too seriously.

Best Party Ever

You know you’re in for a treat when one of the main reasons behind the production of a film was the film maker’s yearning to “write a scene where a guy gets eaten by demonic breasts”. Of course I didn’t know this when Shady brought over the flick. I just knew that there was no way in hell that a movie named Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned could not be full of awesome.

And it was! This super low budget romp the best possible way for my homie and I to get back into movie night.

First of all this film doesn’t pretend to be anything it’s not. Horror films (particularly low budget ones) that pretend to be more than they really are bother the hell out of me. I mean a director/producer has to realize at some point that the film is destined for the 5 dollar bin at Wal-Mart. Just be satisfied with your station in life (if you’re a tracer, you’re a tracer) and don’t expect me to believe I’m watching the next Saw. Bachelor Party reveled in the cheese. Gaps in continuity were even referenced in the credits. (Note: if you pick up this flick, watch the credits. Fucking hilarious!)

Bachelor Party is about, what else, a Bachelor Party gone really wrong. Sam, the dutiful best man, decides to put together a bachelor bash complete with strippers for Chuck. Along with a couple other buds (one named The Fish. After watching this movie Shady and I have decided we need friends with cooler nicknames.) they head to a bungalow in the Hamptons. As the movie warmed up two things were established; neither of us knew exactly what a bungalow was (“A small house or cottage usually having a single story and sometimes an additional attic story.” Thanks, http://www.thefreedictionary.com/)  and for every two guys in a hot tub there must be at least one girl in order for things to be considered strictly hetero. A first the movie moved along fairly quickly. Three strippers that I would never pay to see get naked showed up (I made Shady promise that if a chubby stripper ever tried to drag me away while I was passed out he’d put a stop to it. He assured me he would stop said shenanigans by telling her “no, stripper, go get a Twinkie!”). Soon these strippers turned into hideous monsters, later to be identified as vampires, and dispatched of couple of our party goers. Sam and Chuck manage to stay alive… kind of. Sam is unscathed but Chuck finds himself vamping out. Sam’s new mission is to revert Chuck to his human status by killing the master vampire.

This is where the movie started to get a little long. There were a couple of places where the movie logically could have ended. I was getting pretty yawny but I was glad I hung in there. Why? DEATH BY YARD GNOME!!!!!! Made it all worth it. You have not seen awesome until you’ve seen a vampire beat to death with a yard gnome. Cinematically, I could die happy.

Doing the write up for the review of this one I got another happy surprise, a website chock full of production notes. Other low budget films, take note, the more visible you are to the people who’ll be watching your film, the better. While I was partial to the film, I wasn’t really excited about writing it up until I read about the production.

If you have a sense of humor about your horror, you need to watch this one. You will so thank me.

Pace Yourself

Ever noticed box quotes on movies that mention how “fast paced” the film is? It’s supposed to be the kind of flick that sweeps you up in the action and moves right along. Usually, even a bad movie benefits from fast pacing. The suckage moves along quickly and you have less time to get pissed off. The Haunting of Molly Hartley

is the only movie I’ve ever seen that was too fast paced. This flick would have greatly benefited from a whole lot of slow the fuck down. Also, this is the only movie that’s been so bad that I had to remark about how bad it was to myself. There I was, all by my lonesome, in the hotel room and as the credits rolled I found myself saying aloud “wow, that was terrible.”

The movie begins with a dad murdering his daughter. Yep, it just jumps right the fuck in. All you gather from the opening sequence was that the girl was about to turn 18 and her dad wasn’t having it. Then we jump to the title character. Molly Hartley has moved to a new school to make a new start after her mom tried to kill her. She is immediately sought after by a religious nut, the hottest boy in school, (Chase Crawford is really good at that smoldering thing. Not much else but at least he’s got that.) and the school badass. Molly seems to be cracking up. She’s hearing some shit, she’s seeing some shit, and then she goes and breaks the class bully’s arm at a party. Oh, shit she has a tumor! And then she finds out mom and dad sold her soul to the devil! Bam, bam, bam…. all the eloquence of a machine gun. The only good part of the movie was the end when the viewer finds Molly decided since she couldn’t beat ‘em, she’d join ‘em.

This movie ended where it should have began. Molly fighting for her soul made for a lame story. Molly embracing the dark side (feel free to make a Vader reference here) would have made for some watching pleasure.

There was nothing redeeming about this flick. Can I get my money back?

Just in Time for Xmas Traveling

I believe it's human nature to want to be in control of a situation.  Confusion, of course indicates loss of control.  This is why I believe that confusion is so closely linked with fear. 

Consider a nightmare.  You don’t understand why people you know are behaving in strange ways, you don’t understand why you can’t scream, why you can’t run.  The confusion leaves you terrified.  At least that’s how it works for me.

Movies that can utilize this link between confusion and fear have something going for them.   While Rest Stop

had an itty bitty budget and showcased some pretty bad acting skills, it did manage to work the hell out of the confusion angle.

Our main characters Nicole and Jess stop at a rest stop in the middle of nowhere on an escape from home.  Nicole heads in to use the facilities and when she comes back out Jess is nowhere to be found.  All that’s left is one lone cigarette.  As the astute viewer we already have a good idea that Jess has been snatched up by the yellow truck driving bad guy that tried to run the pair off the road earlier.  Nicole, however, is left to wonder about the rest stop confused.

From here, the movie steamrolls ahead.  While the madman in the yellow truck stalks Nicole she encounters a bloody girl, Tracy, in the bathroom closet.  Our bloody, bruised friend tells Nicole of the bus where the madman tortures his victims.  And, for the viewer, it’s the best kind of torture…. staples, and drills, and sewing needles, oh my!  So our heroine decides that not only save herself and find out what happened to her boyfriend, but she’ll also jail break  Tracy.  Of course things don’t happen quite like that. 

The progression of the movie also leads Nicole into the camper of what may have been the strangest family ever.  One preachy father, one nut bag mother, two silent (and creepy looking) twins and Scotty the deformed youngster wielding a camera.  I watched this movie twice and neither time did I understand exactly what the hell the whole camper/family thing was all about.  Working the confusion angle again I suppose.

The last random character to show up amid all the confusion is Officer Deacon played by Joey Lawrence (go ahead, say “Woah”, you know you want to).  His arrival and subsequent dismantling by the killer leads to the best part of the whole movie…. nope, not telling.  But if you’ve already seen it I’m sure you’ve delighted in the fuckupness of it.

Rest Stop is an interesting act in patience.  You spend most of the movie wondering what the fuck is going on only to find at the end it seems that you were supposed to be wondering what the fuck was going on.  While I can’t say that it was terribly scary, I can say that I make it a point to avoid roadside rest stops.  I’ll be popping into Mickey D’s to take a leak, thanks.

Game Over

Well there was really no getting around it. I couldn’t not see Saw 3D.

So let’s be snarky and start with the bad stuff first. There was no reason, at all, this one should have been in 3-D. I sat there with those stupid glasses over my glasses for the duration of the flick expecting to feel like I was dodging blood and entrails. No such luck. You assholes, why’d I pay 11 bucks for that?

Also, there was more of that building in the story bullshit. You know where the audience is expected to believe this person or that thing was moving around behind the main story all along. Just like we were expected to believe Hoffman had been behind things from the beginning. This ploy tends to annoy me. It makes me think that possibly the writers are sitting around making shit up as they go along… “yeah, yeah they’ll buy that shit… they’ve bought the rest of this shit.” But in this case I’ll let it go because it leads me to the good stuff… (spoiler alert)

Cary Elwes FOR THE WIN!!! I have to say, I was rooting for the doc all along. Anyone who hacks off their own foot deserves to get the final word. Aside from that, it’s in the horror movie handbook that if you don’t see a person die, their most likely not actually dead. And then to have him be the one to finally dispose of the oh so douchey Hoffman? Yes please!

I also loved the other story line happening in this one. Watching Bobby (Sean Patrick Flanery) be completely unable to save anyone was actually fairly gut wrenching. I didn’t really expect the bar-b-que at the end. I mean for all the knowledge the audience was given, Joyce was perfectly innocent. It was nice to see something actually shocking and (almost) as unexpected as the Game Over moment in the original happen again.

And while we’re racking up points here, Sean Patrick Flanery shirtless is always a winner. Probably would have made me ok with the flick regardless. I’m beginning to wonder if he gets a shirtless scene wrote into all of his contracts or something. Honestly, I hope so.

Over all, save your bucks and don’t fall for the 3D. But if you’ve suffered through the rest of this series I’d say go for DVD. It ties things up pretty nicely with a fair amount of blood and gore, however, it will NEVER compare to the original.

They Must Have Been Stoned

That’s why the people behind Neighbor

put this film out there for public consumption.

I’m all for a fun and grisly torture porn romp. I mean I’m still hanging on through the Saw movies. But this was so not worth the 15 bucks.

There was no plot. Not even a touch, a glimmer, a smidge. We watched and waited. We got all where’s Waldo on that mother fucker. Nope, no plot to be found. See, there were some guys in a band and a girl (who really should have gotten naked but she didn’t) who was killing people. And the girl eventually tortured and killed all the guys in the band and a bunch of other people. Does my description seem lacking? Sorry, but that’s really all that happened in this flick. No character definition, no reasoning behind the torture, no building suspense, no real climax. Directly after the film I heard nothing from the boy. “Did you fall asleep?” I asked. “Nope”, he says “I’ve just been left speechless by how bad this movie was.” That pretty much summed it up.

Note: Guys, if you decided to check this one out there is some penis torture. Big and bad and even made me squirm and I don’t have a willy.

Should Have Used the Thrasher

These days it’s starting to look like everything you need to know about a movie is right there in the trailer. For example take the trailer from The Crazies:

you have yourself an idyllic little town where the opening day of baseball season is a big deal. Of course, no little town is complete without the likeable sheriff. Then things start to go bad when the sheriff has to blow away the town drunk midfield, midgame. But wait, more of the townsfolk seem to be acting strangely. In fact their starting to barbeque their family members. Then when things get really eerie and deserted, in comes the military. No doubt they’ve done something stupid and this nice little town is going to have to pay for it. And then it all ends with a big fat explosion.  There you go a concise summary from the trailer.

No kidding, just watch it, it’s all there. I’m starting to get really annoyed when I watch a movie and there are NO surprises because everything has already been laid bare in the trailer.

Ok, real notes on the movie. Characters were rather one dimensional but that didn’t detract too much from the audience’s ability to like them. You still found yourself rooting for the sheriff to make it out alive. The violence wasn’t unbearable but was still pleasingly shocking. Putting a mother and son in a closet and setting the house on fire, that’s pretty good business. However, I was pretty disappointed that we got no use out of the thrasher. I was so ready for that. I was thinking blood, guts, and body parts EVERYWHERE. Sigh. Maybe next time.

The "oops the military fucked up" plot is starting to get over done. Luckily, The Crazies managed to avoid falling into the overdone plot hole by focusing less on that angle and more on the sheriff’s escape mission. It was a thin line the film was dancing on there. Much more damn you military guys, how could you do this to us, and all would have been lost.  As for the end you can't call yourself a true horror movie fan if you didn't see that "surprise twist" coming.

My guess is that this one won’t take long to reach the half price bin. I’d suggest waiting until then to snag it.



(And if you’ve been keeping up, sorry about the drop off. Just wasn’t feeling it for a while.)

Just What I Thought It Would Be

I’d like to say thanks for being just as cheesy and gratuitously boob shot filled as expected, Sorority Row

Yet another remake. Hollywood is completely out of ideas.

Starting this movie the boy commented about how it was familiar. I said that it probably reminded him of I Know What You Did Last Summer. He agreed and added it was exactly like that one. I argued that it was only similar. I was right.

A car full of sorority sisters play a really fucked up prank on a boyfriend/ex boyfriend and one of them takes a tire iron (ouch!) to the chest. They then decide to dispose of the body instead of telling the cops (every time horror movie characters do this. No one ever learns). Some months down the road the sisters and everyone involved/everyone they blabbed to begin to get offed. Plenty of glossy blood and cringe worth slicing with a brand new tricked out tire iron. Points for ingenuity there (but seriously when will someone decide that a battery powered nail gun is their weapon of choice? I’m all about death by nail gun. I swear it’s one of the most underused methods of murder). Big reveal/plot twist ending. Nice by the book slasher film.

I appreciated the dedication to showing the goods. Both the blood and the tits were well represented. Also, I loved loved loved Leah Pipes’ Jessica. She was the biggest raging bitch! So much fun to watch. I was rather upset that she was killed off.

If you’re looking for some hot chick action and a decent amount of gore this may hit the spot for you.

Remade

I go into remakes with very low expectations. In fact before watching remakes I usually tell the boy and Shady not to get their hopes up because this is going to suck. I especially expect a suck fest when it’s rated PG-13. Oddly, The Stepfather

didn’t suck that bad.

The evil stepdad guy goes from family to family playing the daddy role and killing them when the disappoint them. (Thank god my parents never got this idea in their heads.) First glance at this guy shows him with his last family where he has successfully killed the shit out of everyone. The new family he finds includes Michael, the prodigal son that was away at military school while he began easing his way in and is now back for vacation. Dad starts killing off people who might be getting wise to him. Eventually the movie culminates with an epic(ish) battle in which dad and Michael both fall off the roof. Michael awakes from his coma some months later only to find that they never caught the guy. Gasp! Shock! How do these killers always get away and open the door for a sequel.

Again I say this didn’t suck that bad. The violence was commendable for the rating even though there was very little actual blood. It’s a cheap throw away movie. You spend you hour and a half or so and you forget it. Very little stays with you.

One thing that did stick was the urge to kick Penn Badgley in the teeth. I freely admit I watch the show Gossip Girl. I love the show, hate Penn Badgley. Seriously. I know he can only give the lines and take the cues from the script but how many times is this guy going to play a huge pussy? I went into to film hoping that he would turn it all around and play a bad ass. Nope. This kid was away a military school and still comes back acting like a whiney little brat? For fuck’s sake, Badgley, can you pick just one character with some balls?

Also, Amber Heard, that’s two now. If you’re going to continue to be in horror flicks I’m going to have to demand you take off your top. We have rules, you know.

The Anatomy of Fear and My Love for the Mighty Ducks

Fear is personal. Hence a variety of “types” of horror movies. You have slasher flicks, monster flicks, and the kind that gets me, the haunting flick. My buddy Shady says the ones that get him are the slasher flicks; they make him wonder who may be watching him and planning how to off him. Me, I don’t worry about that. If guy in a mask is waiting behind my bathroom door to grab me I figure I can give him a struggle and hit him with all the crap that’s lying on the counter. He may get me in the end, but damnit, he’s gonna limp away. But then the idea of something supernatural creeping up behind me, something I can’t clock in the mouth with a bottle of perfume, gives me the heebs.

Hence the surprise when watching Shutter

I admit I bought Shutter because of the Mighty Ducks. More specifically my long standing relationship with Joshua Jackson that started with the Mighty Ducks. I was probably about 12. Of course I mooned over most of the cast of cuties but Joshua Jackson was the stand out. Adorable little Charlie. Sigh. To this day I still can’t kick those movies. Any time I happen on one I can pretty much guarantee I’ll sit and watch, completely engrossed. (Sweet Jesus, why am I admitting that to the internets?)

So there I was in the movie store seeing nothing that screamed “WATCH ME”. I saw Shutter and said to the boy “Aw, I love Joshua Jackson. Such a damn shame he never gets good roles.” The boy, of course, ignored me. So I proceeded to tell him I was buying it; that actually provoked the response of “And I’m not watching it with you.” Fast forward to movie night. I warned Shady that this was going to be bad. Asian inspired and lame. We were prepared to be underwhelmed. I also planned to try and refrain from yelling things like “flying V!” and “ducks fly together!” at the TV.

But there was no need!

My jeers were completely unnecessary as I found myself wholly engrossed in the flick.

I remembered from the previews that Jackson’s character, photographer Ben, was a bad guy (hey, people who make trailers, could you please stop giving away the whole movie? K, thanks). So immediately when Ben and new wife Jane mow down the creepy Asian lady on the deserted back road I decided that she was already dead and he killed her. This theory was given weight as the police found no body post wreck and the photographs that Ben takes all come out laden with odd images. My inner critic sighed. But then things got a little thicker.

The movie progresses and Jane is informed that the odd images are of a supernatural nature, also we’re introduced to Ben’s sleazy friends and knowledge of foreshadowing tells us that they played some part in this debacle.

While this movie is lacking in violence and gore there are plenty of scenes that make the skin crawl. There are the overt scenes where our ghost stalks Ben in the flicker of camera lights and there are less obvious scenes like when Jane goes to meet a writer at a magazine specializing in supernatural photographs. At the magazine office there’s a room where the walls are covered with “real” pictures (verses the ones they fake for their readership. Ah, truth in journalism). The overwhelmingly eerie vibe of the room and Jane’s cautious exploration makes the viewer prepare for a jump scene. But there’s none. Just a lingering shot of the room through the open door. Most effective.

The film carried on at a decent pace. The sleazy friends are dispatched in a mildly violent manner and Ben finally admits that he had dated miss ghosty (Megumi) and had broken it off when she got too clingy. This led to her suicide. Jane discovers that the Megumi, in apparition form, had been with them all the while via an appearance in their wedding photos. The couple then finds Megumi’s body and give her a proper burial hoping this will end things. It kinda does.

After all this business the couple decided to head home to New York. At their apartment, with help from more Megumi photo ops, Jane discovers the whole truth hidden in Ben’s old camera. Ben allowed his buds to rape Megumi while he did nothing to help (even snapped some pics. Sick fucker). Jane bounces. But the big reveal goes on.

Ben has a phenomenal melt down snapping away with his Polaroid trying to find Megumi, only to find that she’s on his freaking shoulders! Cringe and skin crawl. So he tries to get rid of her. With electricity!

The final shot finds Ben in a pysch ward. And then it cuts to the reflection in the glass inlay of the door. She’s still there! Ack!

Of course this movie got panned by critics and most people who saw it. It’s a remake and it wasn’t nearly as good, it’s brainless Hollywood drivel, yadda yadda.

I guess I’m stupid. Because even though it’s brainless and without a touch of originality (general consensus), I appreciated it. In fact I found myself turning on lights and avoiding looking at pictures afterward. Even wondering briefly about the boy’s ex ladies. In short, its lingering effect kind of scared me. And isn’t that the only thing a horror flick is supposed to do? Linger and give you the creeps?

Future Vamps

Ah, Ethan Hawke, you stole my heart years ago when you were the poster boy for 90’s and Uma arm candy. Bang up performances in Training Day and Assault on Precinct 13th kept my love alive. I expected good things from you in Daybreakers.

However, in post-movie glow reflection, I have to admit the boy was right. You were kind of a whiny bitch in this one. Except for the whole bursting into flames multiple times thing. That was pretty sweet.

Other than having to agree on Hawke’s bitchness, my boy and I had drastically different opinions on this flick. He did not feel it. At all. I, on the other hand thought it was pretty decent.

First Daybreakers is a breather from this whole vampires are sooooo sexy vibe that’s been predominate for so long. (I’m not jumping on the blame Twilight bandwagon. Twilight didn’t start it people. Blame Interview with the Vampire. Brad Pitt waltzing around in the French Quarter is NOT scary. Hell, I say blame it all on Anne Rice, Lestat was a rock star not a horrifying blood sucker.) While I admit I do dig the occasional hot vampire, in general I prefer my vampires to be rather gruesome and deformed or at least evil and creepy. This film had both. The blood deprived vampires that are hanging out under the city are cringe worthy and Sam Neill’s bad guy Bromley reminds me both of smooth talking Billy Zane in Demon Knight and Jack Nicholson’s Joker, successfully filling the creepy vampire quota.

The futuristic, stark look of the film was a great contrast for the blood bath at the end of the building momentum. Throughout the film the blood shortage sets the stage for a fantastic blowup. Human’s are want to rob, riot, and kill if their basic rights, having enough food for example, are threatened so the viewer knew they were being set up for a vampire flip out. Especially note worthy was the sacrifice of the under dwellers and the mobbing of the “coffee” shop.

Also worth noting was Willem Dafoe. Every time I see this guy I get excited, I know I’m in for something interesting. (The Boondock Saints would have only been half awesome without him.) Unlike Hawke he did not disappoint. “Living in a world where vampires are the dominate species is about as safe as bare backing a 5 dollar whore.” How can you not love a line like that?

I’d say wait for rental on this one but worth watching.

Juno, But with Blood

I was excited when I first heard about Jennifer’s Body




I’m always down to see a girl doing some slaying. Of course the boy was on board due to the presence of Megan Fox. Yet, somehow we missed it in theater. So the boy picked it up since we’re getting low on back episodes of SVU to watch.

Before I get to why I didn’t like Jennifer’s Body, let me tell you why I liked Juno (the same writer did both films). Juno’s main character faced a scary, traumatic ordeal and handled it with very little drama and a flip mouth. Her fun dialect opened up the door to her world. It was refreshing and optimistic.

On the surface it had everything it needed to be a great cheesy horror flick; paper thin plot, hot chicks, and a healthy dose of gore. (I must admit the fantasticness of watching emo boy get shredded.) The boy was astonished when I declared I wasn’t impressed immediately after watching. I literally took a night to sleep on it and figure out why I didn’t like this flick. Refreshing and optimistic dialect just doesn’t work in a horror flick. Having your lead character handle the possession of her best friend and her subsequently eating local boys (your main squeeze included) with little drama and flip mouth just doesn’t do the situation justice. Characters in horror flicks are supposed to flip out. Their supposed to be terrified. If the folks running around on screen aren’t scared how the hell are the viewer supposed to be?

Miss Fox’s acting was mediocre at best and Amanda Seyfried was only a touch better (I was expecting much better from her). However, Adam Brody was a surprise. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t put a lot of stock in these CW pretty boys. I think most of them are hired for their ability to stir the loins of teenage girls than their ability to act. Brody did really well with his sleazy bad guy role. He reminded me of Al Pacino in The Devil’s Advocate. Sleazycreepy, you could call it.

I wouldn’t waste my time on this one unless you just need a Megan Fox in skimpy clothing fix.

Christmas Cookies

What better way to be festive around the holidays then to watch holiday movies. After they boy and I opened our presents and stuffed our bellies with Christmas morning pancakes, we popped Black Christmas

in to continue our merriment.

Yet another cheesy, blood gushy film that I adore that got panned by the critics. Apparently the original has a cult following (I haven’t seen it, but after reading about it, I plan to). I think this kind of idolatry makes it hard for people to look at a remake without reservation (I should know, like I’ve said before there’s NO WAY I’m watching the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street. NOBODY is Freddy but Robert Englund. It’s just that simple to me). I have to wonder if the newer Black Christmas didn’t suffer from some of this.

We’re treated to the story of Billy Lenz via 1970s flash backs. It’s a nasty holiday tale of an abusive wack-job mom who killed Billy’s dad and kept him locked in the attic. Billy grows into a big boy who mom molests (sadly no one there to get SVU on the phone). Mom ends up pregnant with Billy’s daughter. A little while down the road Billy finally flips his shit on Christmas. He yanks out the eye of daughter-sister Agnes, kills mom’s boyfriend, and finally kills mom (making Christmas cookies out of the skin from her back). The cops make it over and Billy lands in the criminally insane house. Agnes, who managed to survive, is sent off to an orphanage.

Fast forward to present day. Billy’s old house is now a sorority house filled with typical sorority types. Unbeknown to them there’s someone in the house with them that’s slowly offing the sisters. Also unbeknown to the sisters Billy has made a jail break! (I loved the sleazy Santa getting offed at the asylum. There are only so many cheesy come-on lines I can hear before I start rooting for someone to get hacked up.)

The movie plays out in typical slasher fashion. Getting calls from “inside the house” (to keep up with technology, calls come from sister cell phones), sisters getting separated one by one (one in bed too drunk, one out to check the break box, etc), and the presence of the suspicious boyfriend. With a twist thrown in for good measure (Agnes! Shock!*).

The action doesn’t let up until the end (how fucked up is it that you can’t even get away from psychos at the hospital. Pushy bastards) and there’s plenty of blood/violence. After watching the boy kept humming Christmas tunes and I couldn’t help but make stabbing motions with my candy cane.

Merry Christmas!



*Please note the use of sarcasm.

Here We Go Again

I’d like to assert that the best part of Saw VI

came roughly fifteen minutes after the start. Simone chops off her arm to get out of her Jigsaw trap and lands herself in the hospital. When asked if she learned anything she proceeds to yell that she did not learn anything and demands that her brand new arm nub be considered. She does this while pointing with said nub. Now you can say that I have a sick sense of humor (and you wouldn’t be wrong) but I laughed my ass off. And I was in good company as Shady was also giggling (I sometimes think I’m a bad influence on him, he’s really a nice guy). Just something about an accusing nub tickles my funny bone.

And that was about it for me.

I’ve sat through the past few Saw movies hoping but not really expecting anything. I sometimes feel like a half-ass believer at church. Sure I want something good but I’m really only going out of habit.

Everyone is aware of the groundbreaking, shocking, goodness of the original Saw movie. When Tobin Bell slams the door shut at the end and pronounces “GAME OVER” I was gasping “holy fuck he was alive the whole time!” right along with everyone else. The following sequels had no real way to match that one gut shot of a moment. Instead, viewers were giving every kind of torture device imaginable and a ton of blood. And that was ok for a sequel or two. But now were on number six and its worn waaaay too thin. Even the traps themselves seem like repeats. With the exception of the (not so) merry-go-round, I wasn’t even impressed with the ingenuity there.

Also along the ride, I got behind Jigsaw. Admittedly, I have issues, but I saw the logic in his appreciate life of I’ll off you method. Fine, teach people a bloody gruesome lesson. But Hoffman, on the other hand, is a douche bag. He’s an arrogant, annoying, and worst of all typical, psycho. He’s getting off on offing people just like so many other psycho thriller villains. The biggest disappointment was that his head wasn’t demolished by the reverse bear-trap.

The worst part about this series is that I will continue to watch them. Sigh. Shady and I are beginning to think that we’ll be meeting at the theater right around Halloween for the next ten years for these damn things. If nothing else just to see how much worse it can get.

Teen Slash and Hack... but Not

I don’t remember where/when I first caught wind of All the Boys Love Mandy Lane





but I do know that I stalked it for a long while before I finally got my hands on it (release issues, kinda like Trick R’ Treat). I also remember the first time I watched it. Shady and I had wasted time that evening with a disappointment about a motel (seriously I have no idea what it was, but it went NO where in the 30 mins we put in) and were about to call it a night. I remembered Mandy Lane and twisted his arm a bit to hang around and check it out with me. We were absolutely delighted. Biting violence and a delicious twist. I considered writing about it then, but I never got around to it.

Fast forward a few months. I got to thinking about Mandy Lane again. Wondering if it had really been as good as I thought or if I had just been impressed with its newness (I’m like a little kid sometimes, I love a movie the first time and then after a couple more viewings I get bored and start seeing the faults). So all by my lonesome and bored, I gave it another go. I found myself delighted again.

The overall look of the movie was entrancing and somewhat dreamy. The flick a feel of being both clean/studio and gritty/indie at the same time. This backdrop provided the best contrast to the violence. When the jock we assume is going to be one of the lead characters leaps off his rooftop into the pool, thus filling it with blood, I was left feeling uncomfortable. When watching horror films you beginning by suspending disbelief, i.e.: ok I take that burnt to a crisp kid killer existing with a grain of salt now how do you stop him? Or, ok I take that a person can be so evil that it seems that nothing can kill him so how do you keep his little sister safe? When a horror movie tosses that need for suspension of disbelief (like Mandy Lane does with the jock’s roof dive) it makes the horror feel all too real. 20 mins in, at most, and I’m out of my comfort zone.

Mandy Lane does mimic some of the classic slasher flicks, the lovely cast of teens isolate themselves out at a farm house with the intentions of partaking in illegal substances and knocking some boots. On the other hand the identity of our killer is handed to us soon after the carnage begins. Again, this throws the viewer off balance. No big reveal of who and why at the end? No barely plausible reason for the carnage? Nope, just a killer, who after seeing years of high school shootings in the news, no one is surprised by. Again, it’s just too believable making the viewing slightly unpleasant but still absorbing.

And the carnage…. oh wow. We have the “shove something that has no business being there down a throat” scene. That never gets old to me. There’s also a very cringe worthy knife to the eyes (both times this scene lead me to yell “oh, fucking ow!”). And most viciously, our guy is running around with a gun. Most horror titans stick with some sort of stabbing instrument (butcher knife, machete, glove with attached razors) and there’s a reason for that. It’s personal. It gives the killer a personality. The gun on the other hand is cold and impersonal. To me, more scary somehow.

Honestly, I can only think of one place where Mandy Lane went wrong. Two scantily dressed hot blondes, both a little under the influence. Deep stares, kind words….. and NO MAKING OUT! Seriously? Robbed! We were robbed!

(And as an aside, I NEED a copy of the cover of Sister Golden Hair. I search and search but no dice.)

Lack of girl on girl action aside, All the Boys Love Mandy Lane is brilliant. Worth putting in the effort to find.