When the boy came home from picking up a copy of Transformers so I would finally watch it (I have my reasons, damn it) he told me that he had seen a movie that looked right up my alley. A fat guy dressed in a muumuu holding a severed arm on the cover. It looks horrible, he says, looks like you’ll love it. I, of course, responded with enthusiasm. Cross dressing wackos? Where do I sign up?
The title of this little gem? “Backwoods”.
So then movie night rolled around. With the warning that if it sucked I was getting the blame, the boy snags a couple of flicks, Backwoods included. Sshady, the Boy, and I all settle in to watch. Before the movie started there was a note from the producers. I only caught a glimpse of it so I called for a quick rewind. Not only was the note thanking what I presume was a school for the use of foreign exchange student, but there were misspelled words! Laughter ensued.
The laughter did not stop as the movie rolled. The beginning of the film starts with was looks like the work of a camcorder simply filming some woods with changing colored lenses. As the viewer is given this visual treat, a gravelly voice tells the story of Mangina (yep, that vagina but with man). I’m not sure what the story was exactly. I really couldn’t hear much over my own howling laughter. Adding to this hilarity was the death look the boy was giving me (he lacks my passion for really bad movies). He asserted that the film had exactly five minutes.
Five minutes was exactly enough for me to laugh my way into sore abs. The first shot of the film’s action was of a fat ass. At first we weren’t sure it was an ass and hearing the question “is that an ass?” is always funny. The shot of fat ass turns into two fat people humping against a tree. After they finish the girl (who I’m fairly certain was a guy in drag, and if it wasn’t, it was the ugliest woman I have EVER seen) begins to exclaim about how she knows she’s pregnant because she can feel the seed. This prompts the guys she’s with to bolt, fresh laughter from Shady and I, and a pained look from the boy. She/he then wanders through the woods yelling about how Dean must has left for the army and that Dean cannot make their baby a bastard. Seriously, I was having trouble even breathing at this point. Then the film skipped to 30 years later. Where our lady/guy is still pregnant. After moments of mutter about how she’d (he’d) carried this baby for thirty years and she’d (he’d) carry it for thirty more, the child decided to make its way into the world. Anally. And there on the ground covered in birthing muck was a full grown fat man. Who spoke to his mother like an uber-intellectual and referred to himself as a genius. My mind was blown.
The boy reached the end of his leniency and immediately enacted his veto.
I plan to watch it all one night. Just me and a bunch of beer. I may never recover.
(We ended up watching “Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon”, which I recommend. It’s kind of a sleeper at first but very much worth sticking with. Nathan Baesel, who plays the title character, is on point and I look forward to seeing more of him.)
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