Best Party Ever

You know you’re in for a treat when one of the main reasons behind the production of a film was the film maker’s yearning to “write a scene where a guy gets eaten by demonic breasts”. Of course I didn’t know this when Shady brought over the flick. I just knew that there was no way in hell that a movie named Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned could not be full of awesome.

And it was! This super low budget romp the best possible way for my homie and I to get back into movie night.

First of all this film doesn’t pretend to be anything it’s not. Horror films (particularly low budget ones) that pretend to be more than they really are bother the hell out of me. I mean a director/producer has to realize at some point that the film is destined for the 5 dollar bin at Wal-Mart. Just be satisfied with your station in life (if you’re a tracer, you’re a tracer) and don’t expect me to believe I’m watching the next Saw. Bachelor Party reveled in the cheese. Gaps in continuity were even referenced in the credits. (Note: if you pick up this flick, watch the credits. Fucking hilarious!)

Bachelor Party is about, what else, a Bachelor Party gone really wrong. Sam, the dutiful best man, decides to put together a bachelor bash complete with strippers for Chuck. Along with a couple other buds (one named The Fish. After watching this movie Shady and I have decided we need friends with cooler nicknames.) they head to a bungalow in the Hamptons. As the movie warmed up two things were established; neither of us knew exactly what a bungalow was (“A small house or cottage usually having a single story and sometimes an additional attic story.” Thanks, http://www.thefreedictionary.com/)  and for every two guys in a hot tub there must be at least one girl in order for things to be considered strictly hetero. A first the movie moved along fairly quickly. Three strippers that I would never pay to see get naked showed up (I made Shady promise that if a chubby stripper ever tried to drag me away while I was passed out he’d put a stop to it. He assured me he would stop said shenanigans by telling her “no, stripper, go get a Twinkie!”). Soon these strippers turned into hideous monsters, later to be identified as vampires, and dispatched of couple of our party goers. Sam and Chuck manage to stay alive… kind of. Sam is unscathed but Chuck finds himself vamping out. Sam’s new mission is to revert Chuck to his human status by killing the master vampire.

This is where the movie started to get a little long. There were a couple of places where the movie logically could have ended. I was getting pretty yawny but I was glad I hung in there. Why? DEATH BY YARD GNOME!!!!!! Made it all worth it. You have not seen awesome until you’ve seen a vampire beat to death with a yard gnome. Cinematically, I could die happy.

Doing the write up for the review of this one I got another happy surprise, a website chock full of production notes. Other low budget films, take note, the more visible you are to the people who’ll be watching your film, the better. While I was partial to the film, I wasn’t really excited about writing it up until I read about the production.

If you have a sense of humor about your horror, you need to watch this one. You will so thank me.

Pace Yourself

Ever noticed box quotes on movies that mention how “fast paced” the film is? It’s supposed to be the kind of flick that sweeps you up in the action and moves right along. Usually, even a bad movie benefits from fast pacing. The suckage moves along quickly and you have less time to get pissed off. The Haunting of Molly Hartley

is the only movie I’ve ever seen that was too fast paced. This flick would have greatly benefited from a whole lot of slow the fuck down. Also, this is the only movie that’s been so bad that I had to remark about how bad it was to myself. There I was, all by my lonesome, in the hotel room and as the credits rolled I found myself saying aloud “wow, that was terrible.”

The movie begins with a dad murdering his daughter. Yep, it just jumps right the fuck in. All you gather from the opening sequence was that the girl was about to turn 18 and her dad wasn’t having it. Then we jump to the title character. Molly Hartley has moved to a new school to make a new start after her mom tried to kill her. She is immediately sought after by a religious nut, the hottest boy in school, (Chase Crawford is really good at that smoldering thing. Not much else but at least he’s got that.) and the school badass. Molly seems to be cracking up. She’s hearing some shit, she’s seeing some shit, and then she goes and breaks the class bully’s arm at a party. Oh, shit she has a tumor! And then she finds out mom and dad sold her soul to the devil! Bam, bam, bam…. all the eloquence of a machine gun. The only good part of the movie was the end when the viewer finds Molly decided since she couldn’t beat ‘em, she’d join ‘em.

This movie ended where it should have began. Molly fighting for her soul made for a lame story. Molly embracing the dark side (feel free to make a Vader reference here) would have made for some watching pleasure.

There was nothing redeeming about this flick. Can I get my money back?

Just in Time for Xmas Traveling

I believe it's human nature to want to be in control of a situation.  Confusion, of course indicates loss of control.  This is why I believe that confusion is so closely linked with fear. 

Consider a nightmare.  You don’t understand why people you know are behaving in strange ways, you don’t understand why you can’t scream, why you can’t run.  The confusion leaves you terrified.  At least that’s how it works for me.

Movies that can utilize this link between confusion and fear have something going for them.   While Rest Stop

had an itty bitty budget and showcased some pretty bad acting skills, it did manage to work the hell out of the confusion angle.

Our main characters Nicole and Jess stop at a rest stop in the middle of nowhere on an escape from home.  Nicole heads in to use the facilities and when she comes back out Jess is nowhere to be found.  All that’s left is one lone cigarette.  As the astute viewer we already have a good idea that Jess has been snatched up by the yellow truck driving bad guy that tried to run the pair off the road earlier.  Nicole, however, is left to wonder about the rest stop confused.

From here, the movie steamrolls ahead.  While the madman in the yellow truck stalks Nicole she encounters a bloody girl, Tracy, in the bathroom closet.  Our bloody, bruised friend tells Nicole of the bus where the madman tortures his victims.  And, for the viewer, it’s the best kind of torture…. staples, and drills, and sewing needles, oh my!  So our heroine decides that not only save herself and find out what happened to her boyfriend, but she’ll also jail break  Tracy.  Of course things don’t happen quite like that. 

The progression of the movie also leads Nicole into the camper of what may have been the strangest family ever.  One preachy father, one nut bag mother, two silent (and creepy looking) twins and Scotty the deformed youngster wielding a camera.  I watched this movie twice and neither time did I understand exactly what the hell the whole camper/family thing was all about.  Working the confusion angle again I suppose.

The last random character to show up amid all the confusion is Officer Deacon played by Joey Lawrence (go ahead, say “Woah”, you know you want to).  His arrival and subsequent dismantling by the killer leads to the best part of the whole movie…. nope, not telling.  But if you’ve already seen it I’m sure you’ve delighted in the fuckupness of it.

Rest Stop is an interesting act in patience.  You spend most of the movie wondering what the fuck is going on only to find at the end it seems that you were supposed to be wondering what the fuck was going on.  While I can’t say that it was terribly scary, I can say that I make it a point to avoid roadside rest stops.  I’ll be popping into Mickey D’s to take a leak, thanks.

Game Over

Well there was really no getting around it. I couldn’t not see Saw 3D.

So let’s be snarky and start with the bad stuff first. There was no reason, at all, this one should have been in 3-D. I sat there with those stupid glasses over my glasses for the duration of the flick expecting to feel like I was dodging blood and entrails. No such luck. You assholes, why’d I pay 11 bucks for that?

Also, there was more of that building in the story bullshit. You know where the audience is expected to believe this person or that thing was moving around behind the main story all along. Just like we were expected to believe Hoffman had been behind things from the beginning. This ploy tends to annoy me. It makes me think that possibly the writers are sitting around making shit up as they go along… “yeah, yeah they’ll buy that shit… they’ve bought the rest of this shit.” But in this case I’ll let it go because it leads me to the good stuff… (spoiler alert)

Cary Elwes FOR THE WIN!!! I have to say, I was rooting for the doc all along. Anyone who hacks off their own foot deserves to get the final word. Aside from that, it’s in the horror movie handbook that if you don’t see a person die, their most likely not actually dead. And then to have him be the one to finally dispose of the oh so douchey Hoffman? Yes please!

I also loved the other story line happening in this one. Watching Bobby (Sean Patrick Flanery) be completely unable to save anyone was actually fairly gut wrenching. I didn’t really expect the bar-b-que at the end. I mean for all the knowledge the audience was given, Joyce was perfectly innocent. It was nice to see something actually shocking and (almost) as unexpected as the Game Over moment in the original happen again.

And while we’re racking up points here, Sean Patrick Flanery shirtless is always a winner. Probably would have made me ok with the flick regardless. I’m beginning to wonder if he gets a shirtless scene wrote into all of his contracts or something. Honestly, I hope so.

Over all, save your bucks and don’t fall for the 3D. But if you’ve suffered through the rest of this series I’d say go for DVD. It ties things up pretty nicely with a fair amount of blood and gore, however, it will NEVER compare to the original.

They Must Have Been Stoned

That’s why the people behind Neighbor

put this film out there for public consumption.

I’m all for a fun and grisly torture porn romp. I mean I’m still hanging on through the Saw movies. But this was so not worth the 15 bucks.

There was no plot. Not even a touch, a glimmer, a smidge. We watched and waited. We got all where’s Waldo on that mother fucker. Nope, no plot to be found. See, there were some guys in a band and a girl (who really should have gotten naked but she didn’t) who was killing people. And the girl eventually tortured and killed all the guys in the band and a bunch of other people. Does my description seem lacking? Sorry, but that’s really all that happened in this flick. No character definition, no reasoning behind the torture, no building suspense, no real climax. Directly after the film I heard nothing from the boy. “Did you fall asleep?” I asked. “Nope”, he says “I’ve just been left speechless by how bad this movie was.” That pretty much summed it up.

Note: Guys, if you decided to check this one out there is some penis torture. Big and bad and even made me squirm and I don’t have a willy.

Should Have Used the Thrasher

These days it’s starting to look like everything you need to know about a movie is right there in the trailer. For example take the trailer from The Crazies:

you have yourself an idyllic little town where the opening day of baseball season is a big deal. Of course, no little town is complete without the likeable sheriff. Then things start to go bad when the sheriff has to blow away the town drunk midfield, midgame. But wait, more of the townsfolk seem to be acting strangely. In fact their starting to barbeque their family members. Then when things get really eerie and deserted, in comes the military. No doubt they’ve done something stupid and this nice little town is going to have to pay for it. And then it all ends with a big fat explosion.  There you go a concise summary from the trailer.

No kidding, just watch it, it’s all there. I’m starting to get really annoyed when I watch a movie and there are NO surprises because everything has already been laid bare in the trailer.

Ok, real notes on the movie. Characters were rather one dimensional but that didn’t detract too much from the audience’s ability to like them. You still found yourself rooting for the sheriff to make it out alive. The violence wasn’t unbearable but was still pleasingly shocking. Putting a mother and son in a closet and setting the house on fire, that’s pretty good business. However, I was pretty disappointed that we got no use out of the thrasher. I was so ready for that. I was thinking blood, guts, and body parts EVERYWHERE. Sigh. Maybe next time.

The "oops the military fucked up" plot is starting to get over done. Luckily, The Crazies managed to avoid falling into the overdone plot hole by focusing less on that angle and more on the sheriff’s escape mission. It was a thin line the film was dancing on there. Much more damn you military guys, how could you do this to us, and all would have been lost.  As for the end you can't call yourself a true horror movie fan if you didn't see that "surprise twist" coming.

My guess is that this one won’t take long to reach the half price bin. I’d suggest waiting until then to snag it.



(And if you’ve been keeping up, sorry about the drop off. Just wasn’t feeling it for a while.)

Foreign Territory

Let’s be very clear: I am not a Science Fiction person. I’ve never even been able to sit through the flicks that straddle the line between Sci-fi and horror. I’ve dodged Alien and Predator more times than I can actually count. However, SyFy (used to be the Sci-fi channel. Not terribly sure what the name change was all about. Did the channel have a mid-life crisis?) has put out a couple of miniseries/movies that have really tickled my fancy. The first was Tin Man, a reimagining of The Wizard of Oz. Recently the boy and I stumbled on another, Alice.

(To give credit where credit is due, the boy saw it. I was busy in the incredibly slim horror section (hey, Wal-Mart, you suck.) seeing what founts o’ cheese I could lay hands on.) We ended up watching Alice while I was having a hangover day (hangovers tend to leave me on the couch completely immobile). Otherwise it’s highly unlikely I could have sat still for the entire thing. It’s running time is 180 minutes . I think that’s pretty lengthy, even for normal people.

The movie starts off with full grown Alice stumbling through a mirror while chasing after boyfriend Jack. It just happens to be Wonderland she stumbles into. This Wonderland is nothing like the cartoon version or Burton’s take. To me this Wonderland was closer to a movie representation of American McGee’s Alice (why oh why has this not been made into a movie yet? Sigh). While it wasn’t nearly as dark as McGee’s Alice, it was a much darker, more adult version than the other two. For the most part the buildings in this Wonderland teetered in the air. I imagine this caused plenty of heads to spin given the commonness of fear of heights. Also the stark grayness of the outside and the odd foliage on the inside of the buildings created an air of confusion that resonated at a deeper level than most other interpretations ever managed to reach.

In this version of Wonderland the Queen of Hearts (played by Kathy Bates) is as bad as ever. She runs the land and a casino where kidnapped humans (brought through the looking glass) are being drained of emotions. The emotions are being sold to the people of Wonderland thus creating a society jonesing for quick gratification. Of course any societal faction has to have a counter faction and Wonderland has the Resistance.

Alice traipses about Wonderland trying to devise a plan to get to Jack and get him home. Shortly in she finds that the ring Jack has left her with is the all important stone of Wonderland. The ring powers the looking glass. Not only does Alice think that this will be a good bargaining chip for her but so do the other characters she meets up with. Plenty of battles, psychological torture, a deranged hit man with a bunny head, a reuniting with daddy plot line, flying motorized flamingos, and a shitload of other insanity later (seriously this flick was epic in its plot device undertaking) Alice manages to save the day, get home, and get herself a happy ending.

The internets are pretty much split on this one. Some are saying it’s a whole lot of nothing while others a calling it a delightful fantasy. I think it could have been a little bit shorter and it really would have benefitted from a different choice of actress for the lead. Caterina Scorsone gave one of the driest performances I may have ever seen. It was kind of like someone stuffed a corpse and worked it around on screen via puppet strings. Also, can we get Matthew Frewer some Xanax? ‘Cause he needs to calm the fuck down. While the White Knight’s part of the meandering plot was one of the more endearing parts, watching him was kind of exhausting. There wasn’t near enough Tim Curry for my taste. I really do love me some Tim Curry. Although, I hope he lays off the fried foods because if he doesn’t I’m worried we may never see him play Pennywise in a R rated remake of Stephen King’s It. (Shut up, it’s going to happen.)

And it sounds like I’m completely panning this one but I’m not! Allow me to get to the good stuff now. I’ve got to speak on Colm Meaney. I’ve seen him do the cop thing a couple of times. He’s good at that. But in this one he played the King of Hearts. I found myself unexpectedly touched by his character’s speech to his wife near the end. He combined just the right amount of gruffness and sadness to make the feelings believable.

The best (by far) part about Alice was Andrew-Lee Potts. I can honestly say from the second I saw him on the movie cover (having no idea who it was) I was thinking that the character was going to strike gold. There was simply something in his expression that popped. Potts plays Hatter, who acts as Alice’s guide through Wonderland. Hatter is roguish, morally ambiguous, and completely and utterly charming. Hatter is the one character in Alice that undertakes a real transformation. At the beginning of the show Hatter is playing both sides, profiting from the Heart’s treachery but also supplying the resistance with food and supplies. As the film progresses his antics with Alice show him that there is a “better” way he could be living his life and he makes the conscience decision to become a better person. Potts display of emotion is phenomenal (illustrating just how void Scorsone was) and I have to admit he is quite the cutie (British and dimples, ‘nuff said). Watching him in Alice gave me cause to look him up and now I’m all about some Primeval (more sci-fi but I’ve been needing some light “monster of the week” action since the end of Buffy and Angel).

In all I think Alice is an interesting take on Alice and Wonderland but I’m not going to say it was amazing. It will, however, help take your mind off of a debilitating hangover.

Reasons Not to be Vain

I don’t like mirrors. Ever since I was a kid and was freaked by that Bloody Mary game I’ve been mirror paranoid. I’m convinced one of these days I’ll look into a mirror, see something that shouldn’t be there, and have to live the rest of my life medicated. However, I love Keifer Sutherland. Hence watching Mirrors.

I saw it in the theaters when it first came out. I remember being suitable freaked after the show. Had mostly forgotten about it until the boy and I lost our minds at our movie store’s closing sale (I’m still in mourning). By lost our minds I mean we went home with a sack full of flicks. So movie night rolled around and given the choice of Mirrors or the Friday the Thirteenth remake (shut up. There are a lot of gratuitous tit shots in that flick.), Shady chose Mirrors.

Just minutes in, “suicide” via slitting the throat with a broken shard of mirror. (I have to say, while I don’t know if it’s possible, I’d be pretty impressed if someone did manage to slit their own throat that viciously. I mean that would prove that they really wanted to kill the shit out of themselves. I know, I know, me considering this kind of bullshit is probably indicative of some real issues). Shudder. Not a lot of explanation, just a babbling, terrified guy pleading with his on creepy looking image in a mirror and then spurting blood. I’m in love already.

Fast forward a bit and Sutherland’s Ben Carson is starting a new job. He’s becoming a security guard at an upscale department store that’s been crispy fried. The wise older guard takes him on a tour of the place and Carson notices that the mirrors are super shiny. Old guard tells him that the last guy who worked there had kept them that way.

At first his patrolling seems to be going fairly normally but this is a horror flick so some craziness starts happening. Carson begins to see things in the mirrors. Handprints, himself on fire, crispy ladies wailing in dressing rooms, the kind of stuff that one expects to see in a burnt department store…. in a horror movie. I have to note that these scenes are done fairly well. You know the jump is coming but you’re made to wait just long enough for it to get under your skin. Moving along Carson gets a package from the previous guard (the throat cutting, mirror cleaning guy), Gary Lewis, it’s chock full of clippings about the fire, the guy who did it, and most importantly, a note that says Esseker. After checking out Lewis’ body Carson becomes convinced that the mirrors are making people do things. Like off themselves. In really fucked up ways. Which is exactly what happens to his sister who dies in the bathtub after ripping the bottom half of her jaw off. In glorious bloody detail. Although I would have loved to see more of Amy Smart I couldn’t discredit this death scene. That was some good, gory shit. The flick continues to get all twisty and turny with Carson’s family coming under attack (you always gotta put some kids in peril. You want a decent horror flick, you put some kids in deadly/near death situations). Further twisting and turning turns up some demon possession and a nun. And a nun possessed by a demon! Good times, I tell you, good times. And then with one last little twist the you find yourself at the ending thinking “oh, that’s just fucked up”.

Given my known issues with mirrors I don’t know if I’m objective about this movie’s scare factor. I mean I was opening the medicine cabinet so I didn’t glance at the mirror accidentally while I brushed my teeth. Other people may not get quite the case of the creeps that I did due solely to the fair amount of cheese that comes about with a possessed nun. Me though, I’m rating this one pretty highly.

Just What I Thought It Would Be

I’d like to say thanks for being just as cheesy and gratuitously boob shot filled as expected, Sorority Row

Yet another remake. Hollywood is completely out of ideas.

Starting this movie the boy commented about how it was familiar. I said that it probably reminded him of I Know What You Did Last Summer. He agreed and added it was exactly like that one. I argued that it was only similar. I was right.

A car full of sorority sisters play a really fucked up prank on a boyfriend/ex boyfriend and one of them takes a tire iron (ouch!) to the chest. They then decide to dispose of the body instead of telling the cops (every time horror movie characters do this. No one ever learns). Some months down the road the sisters and everyone involved/everyone they blabbed to begin to get offed. Plenty of glossy blood and cringe worth slicing with a brand new tricked out tire iron. Points for ingenuity there (but seriously when will someone decide that a battery powered nail gun is their weapon of choice? I’m all about death by nail gun. I swear it’s one of the most underused methods of murder). Big reveal/plot twist ending. Nice by the book slasher film.

I appreciated the dedication to showing the goods. Both the blood and the tits were well represented. Also, I loved loved loved Leah Pipes’ Jessica. She was the biggest raging bitch! So much fun to watch. I was rather upset that she was killed off.

If you’re looking for some hot chick action and a decent amount of gore this may hit the spot for you.

Remade

I go into remakes with very low expectations. In fact before watching remakes I usually tell the boy and Shady not to get their hopes up because this is going to suck. I especially expect a suck fest when it’s rated PG-13. Oddly, The Stepfather

didn’t suck that bad.

The evil stepdad guy goes from family to family playing the daddy role and killing them when the disappoint them. (Thank god my parents never got this idea in their heads.) First glance at this guy shows him with his last family where he has successfully killed the shit out of everyone. The new family he finds includes Michael, the prodigal son that was away at military school while he began easing his way in and is now back for vacation. Dad starts killing off people who might be getting wise to him. Eventually the movie culminates with an epic(ish) battle in which dad and Michael both fall off the roof. Michael awakes from his coma some months later only to find that they never caught the guy. Gasp! Shock! How do these killers always get away and open the door for a sequel.

Again I say this didn’t suck that bad. The violence was commendable for the rating even though there was very little actual blood. It’s a cheap throw away movie. You spend you hour and a half or so and you forget it. Very little stays with you.

One thing that did stick was the urge to kick Penn Badgley in the teeth. I freely admit I watch the show Gossip Girl. I love the show, hate Penn Badgley. Seriously. I know he can only give the lines and take the cues from the script but how many times is this guy going to play a huge pussy? I went into to film hoping that he would turn it all around and play a bad ass. Nope. This kid was away a military school and still comes back acting like a whiney little brat? For fuck’s sake, Badgley, can you pick just one character with some balls?

Also, Amber Heard, that’s two now. If you’re going to continue to be in horror flicks I’m going to have to demand you take off your top. We have rules, you know.

The Anatomy of Fear and My Love for the Mighty Ducks

Fear is personal. Hence a variety of “types” of horror movies. You have slasher flicks, monster flicks, and the kind that gets me, the haunting flick. My buddy Shady says the ones that get him are the slasher flicks; they make him wonder who may be watching him and planning how to off him. Me, I don’t worry about that. If guy in a mask is waiting behind my bathroom door to grab me I figure I can give him a struggle and hit him with all the crap that’s lying on the counter. He may get me in the end, but damnit, he’s gonna limp away. But then the idea of something supernatural creeping up behind me, something I can’t clock in the mouth with a bottle of perfume, gives me the heebs.

Hence the surprise when watching Shutter

I admit I bought Shutter because of the Mighty Ducks. More specifically my long standing relationship with Joshua Jackson that started with the Mighty Ducks. I was probably about 12. Of course I mooned over most of the cast of cuties but Joshua Jackson was the stand out. Adorable little Charlie. Sigh. To this day I still can’t kick those movies. Any time I happen on one I can pretty much guarantee I’ll sit and watch, completely engrossed. (Sweet Jesus, why am I admitting that to the internets?)

So there I was in the movie store seeing nothing that screamed “WATCH ME”. I saw Shutter and said to the boy “Aw, I love Joshua Jackson. Such a damn shame he never gets good roles.” The boy, of course, ignored me. So I proceeded to tell him I was buying it; that actually provoked the response of “And I’m not watching it with you.” Fast forward to movie night. I warned Shady that this was going to be bad. Asian inspired and lame. We were prepared to be underwhelmed. I also planned to try and refrain from yelling things like “flying V!” and “ducks fly together!” at the TV.

But there was no need!

My jeers were completely unnecessary as I found myself wholly engrossed in the flick.

I remembered from the previews that Jackson’s character, photographer Ben, was a bad guy (hey, people who make trailers, could you please stop giving away the whole movie? K, thanks). So immediately when Ben and new wife Jane mow down the creepy Asian lady on the deserted back road I decided that she was already dead and he killed her. This theory was given weight as the police found no body post wreck and the photographs that Ben takes all come out laden with odd images. My inner critic sighed. But then things got a little thicker.

The movie progresses and Jane is informed that the odd images are of a supernatural nature, also we’re introduced to Ben’s sleazy friends and knowledge of foreshadowing tells us that they played some part in this debacle.

While this movie is lacking in violence and gore there are plenty of scenes that make the skin crawl. There are the overt scenes where our ghost stalks Ben in the flicker of camera lights and there are less obvious scenes like when Jane goes to meet a writer at a magazine specializing in supernatural photographs. At the magazine office there’s a room where the walls are covered with “real” pictures (verses the ones they fake for their readership. Ah, truth in journalism). The overwhelmingly eerie vibe of the room and Jane’s cautious exploration makes the viewer prepare for a jump scene. But there’s none. Just a lingering shot of the room through the open door. Most effective.

The film carried on at a decent pace. The sleazy friends are dispatched in a mildly violent manner and Ben finally admits that he had dated miss ghosty (Megumi) and had broken it off when she got too clingy. This led to her suicide. Jane discovers that the Megumi, in apparition form, had been with them all the while via an appearance in their wedding photos. The couple then finds Megumi’s body and give her a proper burial hoping this will end things. It kinda does.

After all this business the couple decided to head home to New York. At their apartment, with help from more Megumi photo ops, Jane discovers the whole truth hidden in Ben’s old camera. Ben allowed his buds to rape Megumi while he did nothing to help (even snapped some pics. Sick fucker). Jane bounces. But the big reveal goes on.

Ben has a phenomenal melt down snapping away with his Polaroid trying to find Megumi, only to find that she’s on his freaking shoulders! Cringe and skin crawl. So he tries to get rid of her. With electricity!

The final shot finds Ben in a pysch ward. And then it cuts to the reflection in the glass inlay of the door. She’s still there! Ack!

Of course this movie got panned by critics and most people who saw it. It’s a remake and it wasn’t nearly as good, it’s brainless Hollywood drivel, yadda yadda.

I guess I’m stupid. Because even though it’s brainless and without a touch of originality (general consensus), I appreciated it. In fact I found myself turning on lights and avoiding looking at pictures afterward. Even wondering briefly about the boy’s ex ladies. In short, its lingering effect kind of scared me. And isn’t that the only thing a horror flick is supposed to do? Linger and give you the creeps?

A Pun About Not Watching Should Go Here

I like a good psycho thriller. Sometimes a little suspense and cop drama is just what I'm looking for. The Watcher

would not fall into this category.

First, let me admit, I have a bias about Keanu Reeves. I think the man is possibly one of the worst actors ever (seriously this isn't much of a stretch). But the man looks so fucking cool. I'm not kidding around here. What he lacks in actual acting ability, he makes up in ability to look cool. No one else could have played Neo. Only Keanu looks that cool.

Regardless, the boy said that The Watcher would be worth watching. I was biting at first. My hat is off to James Spader; he had that broody cop thing down. The plot was pretty easy to get behind. Psycho is stalking cop and sending him pictures of the ladies he intends to kill. Cop has x amount of time to find the lady before psycho gets all gung-ho with the piano wire. Ah, piano wire, your messy and effective way of getting the job done is so underused. So I'm all there, enthralled and rooting for the cops to catch Mr. Psycho. And they get close! Cue chase scene. Crash! Boom! The psycho runs over a gas pump with cops behind him in hot pursuit..... and that's where this one drew my ire.

Again and again I've cited my ability to suspend disbelief when called for. A movie gives you a set of ideas to work with and you accept it (dead things come back, black magic exists, etc). Fine. But when you've been working with the premise that all the things in a given movie could really happen and then you suddenly throw some bullshit at me, well I take that as an invite to yell profanities at the TV. (The boy hates it when that happens.) The problem here? Post gas pump knock down our perp's car is covered in gas. He reaches out his lighter and lights the hood of his car on fire. The fire races to the pumps and the cop cars and everything blows. Except his car. What. The. Fuck.

I don't think the most inventive/sick/groundbreaking ending could have pulled me back in after that. The ending wasn't bad really, but I was just done.

When choosing between watching The Watcher again or slamming my finger in the door repeatedly, I'd choose The Watcher but just barely.

Future Vamps

Ah, Ethan Hawke, you stole my heart years ago when you were the poster boy for 90’s and Uma arm candy. Bang up performances in Training Day and Assault on Precinct 13th kept my love alive. I expected good things from you in Daybreakers.

However, in post-movie glow reflection, I have to admit the boy was right. You were kind of a whiny bitch in this one. Except for the whole bursting into flames multiple times thing. That was pretty sweet.

Other than having to agree on Hawke’s bitchness, my boy and I had drastically different opinions on this flick. He did not feel it. At all. I, on the other hand thought it was pretty decent.

First Daybreakers is a breather from this whole vampires are sooooo sexy vibe that’s been predominate for so long. (I’m not jumping on the blame Twilight bandwagon. Twilight didn’t start it people. Blame Interview with the Vampire. Brad Pitt waltzing around in the French Quarter is NOT scary. Hell, I say blame it all on Anne Rice, Lestat was a rock star not a horrifying blood sucker.) While I admit I do dig the occasional hot vampire, in general I prefer my vampires to be rather gruesome and deformed or at least evil and creepy. This film had both. The blood deprived vampires that are hanging out under the city are cringe worthy and Sam Neill’s bad guy Bromley reminds me both of smooth talking Billy Zane in Demon Knight and Jack Nicholson’s Joker, successfully filling the creepy vampire quota.

The futuristic, stark look of the film was a great contrast for the blood bath at the end of the building momentum. Throughout the film the blood shortage sets the stage for a fantastic blowup. Human’s are want to rob, riot, and kill if their basic rights, having enough food for example, are threatened so the viewer knew they were being set up for a vampire flip out. Especially note worthy was the sacrifice of the under dwellers and the mobbing of the “coffee” shop.

Also worth noting was Willem Dafoe. Every time I see this guy I get excited, I know I’m in for something interesting. (The Boondock Saints would have only been half awesome without him.) Unlike Hawke he did not disappoint. “Living in a world where vampires are the dominate species is about as safe as bare backing a 5 dollar whore.” How can you not love a line like that?

I’d say wait for rental on this one but worth watching.

It's Part 4, Damn it.

Lesson learned from The Final Destination in 3-D




3-D at home, not so impressive. Other than that, there’s not a whole lot to say about this one. I’ve already established upon seeing the trailer, it’s actually Final Destination 4 and like most franchises the surprises are few and far between at this point. This one has the same plot as the first three (a disastrous event is foreseen by a teenager and said teen and his/her friends spend the rest of the movie trying to avoid death who has apparently marked them) but the disaster got a makeover. This time we’re treated to an Indy race wreck. I won’t lie, that sick side of me is always down to see something like this go horribly wrong.

So premonition had, disaster averted (for some), and then the real mayhem begins. A broad gets her head taken off by a flying tire, a flaming (literally on fire!) racist gets dragged down a street, a guy gets his insides sucked out via pool drain (reminded me of Chuck Palahniuk’s Haunted), and near the end a whole new premonition! Fun! Honestly the second premonition was a reach but I must admit I was delighted by the oh so graphic depiction of the escalator eating the female lead. Immediately I look at the boy and shout “that kid is back on the escalator again!”

A couple of other high point were the friendly security guard being mowed down by an ambulance midsentence (the irony of being run down by an ambulance never fails to send me in to hysteric laughter. The boy admonished me that it’s not funny and I’m fairly certain he asked what’s wrong with me. Would think he would realize how cracked I am by now) and watching our male lead desperately try to put out a fire while being stapled to a wall.

Fairly typical, not ground breaking or truly disturbing but worth parking my ass on the couch for 82 minutes.

Juno, But with Blood

I was excited when I first heard about Jennifer’s Body




I’m always down to see a girl doing some slaying. Of course the boy was on board due to the presence of Megan Fox. Yet, somehow we missed it in theater. So the boy picked it up since we’re getting low on back episodes of SVU to watch.

Before I get to why I didn’t like Jennifer’s Body, let me tell you why I liked Juno (the same writer did both films). Juno’s main character faced a scary, traumatic ordeal and handled it with very little drama and a flip mouth. Her fun dialect opened up the door to her world. It was refreshing and optimistic.

On the surface it had everything it needed to be a great cheesy horror flick; paper thin plot, hot chicks, and a healthy dose of gore. (I must admit the fantasticness of watching emo boy get shredded.) The boy was astonished when I declared I wasn’t impressed immediately after watching. I literally took a night to sleep on it and figure out why I didn’t like this flick. Refreshing and optimistic dialect just doesn’t work in a horror flick. Having your lead character handle the possession of her best friend and her subsequently eating local boys (your main squeeze included) with little drama and flip mouth just doesn’t do the situation justice. Characters in horror flicks are supposed to flip out. Their supposed to be terrified. If the folks running around on screen aren’t scared how the hell are the viewer supposed to be?

Miss Fox’s acting was mediocre at best and Amanda Seyfried was only a touch better (I was expecting much better from her). However, Adam Brody was a surprise. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t put a lot of stock in these CW pretty boys. I think most of them are hired for their ability to stir the loins of teenage girls than their ability to act. Brody did really well with his sleazy bad guy role. He reminded me of Al Pacino in The Devil’s Advocate. Sleazycreepy, you could call it.

I wouldn’t waste my time on this one unless you just need a Megan Fox in skimpy clothing fix.