I Fail.

I shouldn’t write this review. It’s not really fair to write reviews about movies that you haven’t finished, but Crank: High Voltage

lost me.

I loved the first one. After watching Crank I thought Jason Statham was the coolest guy EVER; in fact I was pretty sure he used up also most all of the cool that is allotted for balding British guys. Crank had snappy humor, tons of action, and a healthy dose of nudity. Fantastic, a great action flick that isn’t crash, boom, Bay. So of course I was looking forward to part 2.

I’m not going to complain about how much suspension of disbelief is necessary to buy into the plot (the mostly dead body of Chev Chelios is scooped up by some more angry gangsters. They snatch his heart and give him a fake one, leaving him alive so their boss can have the joy of seeing him killed. This, of course, leads Chelios to chase folks all over the city). I’m a horror fan; I can get on board for some really far-fetched shit. My problems with this one lay elsewhere.

From the beginning things were just too shaky and confusing. Like everyone involved in the filming was on a drastic combination of coke and ecstasy. I’m also not a big fan of a first person style camera shot (don’t know the technical term for this, think first person shooter video games), which was used frequently. Honestly though, I think I could have lived with that.

What finally made me throw in the towel was the porn vibe. I like a good set of titties as much as the next person, but that much naked is just trying to compensate for something. After watching Amy Smart (love love love her) get felt up by a fellow stripper in the back of a cop car for no reason I could fathom I finally gave it up and started in on the laundry. If I want to watch chicks getting up on each other I’ve got quite the collection on the bedroom shelf, I don’t find that it’s necessary to my action flicks.

The boy finished it and told me I didn’t miss much. I’ll probably try to get through it again (if nothing else just because I hope Bai Ling's character gets the crap kicked out of her again. She was so fucking annoying), but for the time being I’ll suffice to say I wasn’t impressed. (This does not, however, diminish my love for Jason Statham. Just thought I’d throw that out there.)

Just in Time for Halloween

I admit it; I dig torture porn (Saw, Hostel, etc). I like seeing all the blood a human body can lose and still manage to crawl around (on screen of course. I haven’t lost it and started hacking people up yet.). While this type (subgenre?) of flick isn’t too mentally stimulating, I just can’t seem to look away. In fact I will see the new Saw (what’s this one, number 20? 40?) and watched the last one this weekend in preparation (with all those twists and turns I find it hard to keep all the sequels straight in my mind). However, the good old fashioned creepy story movie holds its own warm spot in my heart. I like the kind of movie that lingers after you turn off the lights. That’s what Trick ‘r Treat was.




For once I’m not the only cheerleader for a flick. It rated five out of five bloody knives over at Dread Central, the folks at Brutal as Hell called it “delight from start to finish that anyone can enjoy”, and even the tomatometer at Rotten Tomatoes is at 100% (this is as of today of course). Personally I’ve been waiting on this movie nearly two years. The movie was making rounds at horror festivals and was put on the backburner by Warner Brothers (shame on you, Warner Brothers). I am pleased to say that my patience was rewarded.

Trick ‘r Treat is a collection of four tales about, what else, Halloween. It moves through the stories of psychotic principles, pretty werewolves, a short bus massacre, and a creepy little guy named Sam with delightful quickness and ease. Some “story collection” movies rely on one or two good stories to carry the whole movie, leaving slow spots but Trick ‘r Treat managed to avoid this.

This flick doesn’t rely on jump scares, but more on urban legend type stories that embed themselves in your mind. Granted you know that dead kids don’t come creeping out of rock quarries after they’ve been dead for years and years but after the lights go out it may become harder to convince yourself. This film is also different from typical horror flicks in that it works the kid angle. While films like Nightmare on Elm Street allude to the murder of children, there’s not much in the way of kiddie killing being done on screen. Trick ‘r Treat is a true “no one is safe” film as you find out in the first story. While it is mostly predictable (there’s only so many places you can good with a scary story), there was at least one surprise for me (good job ladies! Especially you, Anna Paquin. But, honey, can we please do something with that gap. And maybe take the brows down just a notch. You’re not doing yourself justice!) and that was just enough.

I’m keeping this one short because there’s not a lot to say about this one that hasn’t already been said. I loved it. I recommend EVERYONE getting their hands on it. I also recommend not taking any chances and giving out candy and leaving your pumpkins lit all night on Halloween, I know damn well I am.

Huh

At first I found myself pretty enamored with Drag Me to Hell

Cutie Allison Lohman, who plays the leading lady Christine, makes the mistake of shaming an old gypsy lady (a very unnerving gypsy lady, might I add. Seriously if someone took their teeth out and laid them on my desk there’s no chance of me being calm and collected about it) by denying her a loan after the old lady has begged her to reconsider. After a very grotesque fight scene between our two girls (I should have realized things were going to get kinda wacky based solely on this scene. How many movies have a crazed old lady trying to bite gum the jaw off of a cute young girl?), the crazy old gypsy curses Christine.

This was where things got a bit crazy. It was typical Sam Raimi (director). While it was a fantastic jump fest (both the boy and the cat saddled me with some dirty looks, demanding that I be still), there was also confusion, disarray, furniture flying, and kitten butchering (was NO WAY I was watching that business. Hid my eyes until it was over). I was back and forth between being deliciously scared and exchanging WTF looks with the boy. The height of the “huh” came when the badass demon stalking our heroine upchucked her murdered kitten. It did, however, have a fabulous ending that I was glad we weren’t cheated out of (hate it when a horror flick cheats you out of the appropriate fucked up ending and hands you a buttoned up and beautiful happy ending).

While I can’t call it a bad movie, I can’t really say it was a good on either. It was very Raimi Evil Dead. Even though I know I could be lynched by the whole of the horror community for saying this, I’m not an Evil Dead fan (*looks behind me to make sure no one with an I Heart Ash shirt is there looking menacing*). And Evil Dead (with a splash of House of 1000 Corpses) is what this flick reminded me of. I do understand that fear and humor go hand in hand and that’s where these films come from, but I guess that’s just not my bag. It just leaves me shruggy.

Next up: Trick R’ Treat. Woot!