Future Vamps

Ah, Ethan Hawke, you stole my heart years ago when you were the poster boy for 90’s and Uma arm candy. Bang up performances in Training Day and Assault on Precinct 13th kept my love alive. I expected good things from you in Daybreakers.

However, in post-movie glow reflection, I have to admit the boy was right. You were kind of a whiny bitch in this one. Except for the whole bursting into flames multiple times thing. That was pretty sweet.

Other than having to agree on Hawke’s bitchness, my boy and I had drastically different opinions on this flick. He did not feel it. At all. I, on the other hand thought it was pretty decent.

First Daybreakers is a breather from this whole vampires are sooooo sexy vibe that’s been predominate for so long. (I’m not jumping on the blame Twilight bandwagon. Twilight didn’t start it people. Blame Interview with the Vampire. Brad Pitt waltzing around in the French Quarter is NOT scary. Hell, I say blame it all on Anne Rice, Lestat was a rock star not a horrifying blood sucker.) While I admit I do dig the occasional hot vampire, in general I prefer my vampires to be rather gruesome and deformed or at least evil and creepy. This film had both. The blood deprived vampires that are hanging out under the city are cringe worthy and Sam Neill’s bad guy Bromley reminds me both of smooth talking Billy Zane in Demon Knight and Jack Nicholson’s Joker, successfully filling the creepy vampire quota.

The futuristic, stark look of the film was a great contrast for the blood bath at the end of the building momentum. Throughout the film the blood shortage sets the stage for a fantastic blowup. Human’s are want to rob, riot, and kill if their basic rights, having enough food for example, are threatened so the viewer knew they were being set up for a vampire flip out. Especially note worthy was the sacrifice of the under dwellers and the mobbing of the “coffee” shop.

Also worth noting was Willem Dafoe. Every time I see this guy I get excited, I know I’m in for something interesting. (The Boondock Saints would have only been half awesome without him.) Unlike Hawke he did not disappoint. “Living in a world where vampires are the dominate species is about as safe as bare backing a 5 dollar whore.” How can you not love a line like that?

I’d say wait for rental on this one but worth watching.

It's Part 4, Damn it.

Lesson learned from The Final Destination in 3-D




3-D at home, not so impressive. Other than that, there’s not a whole lot to say about this one. I’ve already established upon seeing the trailer, it’s actually Final Destination 4 and like most franchises the surprises are few and far between at this point. This one has the same plot as the first three (a disastrous event is foreseen by a teenager and said teen and his/her friends spend the rest of the movie trying to avoid death who has apparently marked them) but the disaster got a makeover. This time we’re treated to an Indy race wreck. I won’t lie, that sick side of me is always down to see something like this go horribly wrong.

So premonition had, disaster averted (for some), and then the real mayhem begins. A broad gets her head taken off by a flying tire, a flaming (literally on fire!) racist gets dragged down a street, a guy gets his insides sucked out via pool drain (reminded me of Chuck Palahniuk’s Haunted), and near the end a whole new premonition! Fun! Honestly the second premonition was a reach but I must admit I was delighted by the oh so graphic depiction of the escalator eating the female lead. Immediately I look at the boy and shout “that kid is back on the escalator again!”

A couple of other high point were the friendly security guard being mowed down by an ambulance midsentence (the irony of being run down by an ambulance never fails to send me in to hysteric laughter. The boy admonished me that it’s not funny and I’m fairly certain he asked what’s wrong with me. Would think he would realize how cracked I am by now) and watching our male lead desperately try to put out a fire while being stapled to a wall.

Fairly typical, not ground breaking or truly disturbing but worth parking my ass on the couch for 82 minutes.

Juno, But with Blood

I was excited when I first heard about Jennifer’s Body




I’m always down to see a girl doing some slaying. Of course the boy was on board due to the presence of Megan Fox. Yet, somehow we missed it in theater. So the boy picked it up since we’re getting low on back episodes of SVU to watch.

Before I get to why I didn’t like Jennifer’s Body, let me tell you why I liked Juno (the same writer did both films). Juno’s main character faced a scary, traumatic ordeal and handled it with very little drama and a flip mouth. Her fun dialect opened up the door to her world. It was refreshing and optimistic.

On the surface it had everything it needed to be a great cheesy horror flick; paper thin plot, hot chicks, and a healthy dose of gore. (I must admit the fantasticness of watching emo boy get shredded.) The boy was astonished when I declared I wasn’t impressed immediately after watching. I literally took a night to sleep on it and figure out why I didn’t like this flick. Refreshing and optimistic dialect just doesn’t work in a horror flick. Having your lead character handle the possession of her best friend and her subsequently eating local boys (your main squeeze included) with little drama and flip mouth just doesn’t do the situation justice. Characters in horror flicks are supposed to flip out. Their supposed to be terrified. If the folks running around on screen aren’t scared how the hell are the viewer supposed to be?

Miss Fox’s acting was mediocre at best and Amanda Seyfried was only a touch better (I was expecting much better from her). However, Adam Brody was a surprise. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t put a lot of stock in these CW pretty boys. I think most of them are hired for their ability to stir the loins of teenage girls than their ability to act. Brody did really well with his sleazy bad guy role. He reminded me of Al Pacino in The Devil’s Advocate. Sleazycreepy, you could call it.

I wouldn’t waste my time on this one unless you just need a Megan Fox in skimpy clothing fix.