Here We Go Again

I’d like to assert that the best part of Saw VI

came roughly fifteen minutes after the start. Simone chops off her arm to get out of her Jigsaw trap and lands herself in the hospital. When asked if she learned anything she proceeds to yell that she did not learn anything and demands that her brand new arm nub be considered. She does this while pointing with said nub. Now you can say that I have a sick sense of humor (and you wouldn’t be wrong) but I laughed my ass off. And I was in good company as Shady was also giggling (I sometimes think I’m a bad influence on him, he’s really a nice guy). Just something about an accusing nub tickles my funny bone.

And that was about it for me.

I’ve sat through the past few Saw movies hoping but not really expecting anything. I sometimes feel like a half-ass believer at church. Sure I want something good but I’m really only going out of habit.

Everyone is aware of the groundbreaking, shocking, goodness of the original Saw movie. When Tobin Bell slams the door shut at the end and pronounces “GAME OVER” I was gasping “holy fuck he was alive the whole time!” right along with everyone else. The following sequels had no real way to match that one gut shot of a moment. Instead, viewers were giving every kind of torture device imaginable and a ton of blood. And that was ok for a sequel or two. But now were on number six and its worn waaaay too thin. Even the traps themselves seem like repeats. With the exception of the (not so) merry-go-round, I wasn’t even impressed with the ingenuity there.

Also along the ride, I got behind Jigsaw. Admittedly, I have issues, but I saw the logic in his appreciate life of I’ll off you method. Fine, teach people a bloody gruesome lesson. But Hoffman, on the other hand, is a douche bag. He’s an arrogant, annoying, and worst of all typical, psycho. He’s getting off on offing people just like so many other psycho thriller villains. The biggest disappointment was that his head wasn’t demolished by the reverse bear-trap.

The worst part about this series is that I will continue to watch them. Sigh. Shady and I are beginning to think that we’ll be meeting at the theater right around Halloween for the next ten years for these damn things. If nothing else just to see how much worse it can get.

Teen Slash and Hack... but Not

I don’t remember where/when I first caught wind of All the Boys Love Mandy Lane





but I do know that I stalked it for a long while before I finally got my hands on it (release issues, kinda like Trick R’ Treat). I also remember the first time I watched it. Shady and I had wasted time that evening with a disappointment about a motel (seriously I have no idea what it was, but it went NO where in the 30 mins we put in) and were about to call it a night. I remembered Mandy Lane and twisted his arm a bit to hang around and check it out with me. We were absolutely delighted. Biting violence and a delicious twist. I considered writing about it then, but I never got around to it.

Fast forward a few months. I got to thinking about Mandy Lane again. Wondering if it had really been as good as I thought or if I had just been impressed with its newness (I’m like a little kid sometimes, I love a movie the first time and then after a couple more viewings I get bored and start seeing the faults). So all by my lonesome and bored, I gave it another go. I found myself delighted again.

The overall look of the movie was entrancing and somewhat dreamy. The flick a feel of being both clean/studio and gritty/indie at the same time. This backdrop provided the best contrast to the violence. When the jock we assume is going to be one of the lead characters leaps off his rooftop into the pool, thus filling it with blood, I was left feeling uncomfortable. When watching horror films you beginning by suspending disbelief, i.e.: ok I take that burnt to a crisp kid killer existing with a grain of salt now how do you stop him? Or, ok I take that a person can be so evil that it seems that nothing can kill him so how do you keep his little sister safe? When a horror movie tosses that need for suspension of disbelief (like Mandy Lane does with the jock’s roof dive) it makes the horror feel all too real. 20 mins in, at most, and I’m out of my comfort zone.

Mandy Lane does mimic some of the classic slasher flicks, the lovely cast of teens isolate themselves out at a farm house with the intentions of partaking in illegal substances and knocking some boots. On the other hand the identity of our killer is handed to us soon after the carnage begins. Again, this throws the viewer off balance. No big reveal of who and why at the end? No barely plausible reason for the carnage? Nope, just a killer, who after seeing years of high school shootings in the news, no one is surprised by. Again, it’s just too believable making the viewing slightly unpleasant but still absorbing.

And the carnage…. oh wow. We have the “shove something that has no business being there down a throat” scene. That never gets old to me. There’s also a very cringe worthy knife to the eyes (both times this scene lead me to yell “oh, fucking ow!”). And most viciously, our guy is running around with a gun. Most horror titans stick with some sort of stabbing instrument (butcher knife, machete, glove with attached razors) and there’s a reason for that. It’s personal. It gives the killer a personality. The gun on the other hand is cold and impersonal. To me, more scary somehow.

Honestly, I can only think of one place where Mandy Lane went wrong. Two scantily dressed hot blondes, both a little under the influence. Deep stares, kind words….. and NO MAKING OUT! Seriously? Robbed! We were robbed!

(And as an aside, I NEED a copy of the cover of Sister Golden Hair. I search and search but no dice.)

Lack of girl on girl action aside, All the Boys Love Mandy Lane is brilliant. Worth putting in the effort to find.

Hey, You're Crazy Bitch

I was an emotional teenager. I’m sure my parents debating killing me the majority of the time. I wore a lot of black, I listened to angry music, and I loved the movie The Craft.



The boy and I decided to watch this the other day when we were looking for something light (most stuff is light compared to my recent obsession with Law and Order: SVU. For my time, there’s nothing better than watching Stabler or Fin push around someone who has gotten handsy with a little one). I seriously adored this movie when I was a kid. I wasn’t exactly what you would call popular (in other words, I was a loser) so I really dug the revenge theme.

Although I still think the plot is pretty decent, the boy and I both had to marvel at how incredibly bad the graphics were. Granted we are watching this through eyes that have witnessed all the remake gloss of recent horror flicks, but this was pretty damn bad. The Craft was done in 1996, same year as Independence Day. While the year is comparable, the graphics just aren’t.

On the plus side, Fairuza Balk puts in a great performance. Watching her flip on Skeet Ulrich’s character delights me as much now as it did when I was a surly teenager. Balk’s Nancy is driven completely mad by power and the performance is totally believable. Another plus is Neve Campbell’s curves. That lady had some early Jennifer Lopez style business going on. (But then the same year in Scream those banging curves are nowhere to be found. Where did those ass and titties go? Just another Hollywood casualty I suppose. Sad.) Lastly, for creepy effect the full on bug scenes are pretty top notch. Probably the best effects in the flick and man did they make my skin crawl (both then and now). I spent most of those scenes staring at the couch. There are plenty of creepy crawly creatures I can handle; spiders, snakes, and rats don’t really bother me but one little roach and I’m out with a quickness. Yuck!

The Craft is a nice little blast from the past for me. If you’ve never seen it, I suggest it as long as you don’t expect too much.