It's Part 4, Damn it.

Lesson learned from The Final Destination in 3-D




3-D at home, not so impressive. Other than that, there’s not a whole lot to say about this one. I’ve already established upon seeing the trailer, it’s actually Final Destination 4 and like most franchises the surprises are few and far between at this point. This one has the same plot as the first three (a disastrous event is foreseen by a teenager and said teen and his/her friends spend the rest of the movie trying to avoid death who has apparently marked them) but the disaster got a makeover. This time we’re treated to an Indy race wreck. I won’t lie, that sick side of me is always down to see something like this go horribly wrong.

So premonition had, disaster averted (for some), and then the real mayhem begins. A broad gets her head taken off by a flying tire, a flaming (literally on fire!) racist gets dragged down a street, a guy gets his insides sucked out via pool drain (reminded me of Chuck Palahniuk’s Haunted), and near the end a whole new premonition! Fun! Honestly the second premonition was a reach but I must admit I was delighted by the oh so graphic depiction of the escalator eating the female lead. Immediately I look at the boy and shout “that kid is back on the escalator again!”

A couple of other high point were the friendly security guard being mowed down by an ambulance midsentence (the irony of being run down by an ambulance never fails to send me in to hysteric laughter. The boy admonished me that it’s not funny and I’m fairly certain he asked what’s wrong with me. Would think he would realize how cracked I am by now) and watching our male lead desperately try to put out a fire while being stapled to a wall.

Fairly typical, not ground breaking or truly disturbing but worth parking my ass on the couch for 82 minutes.

Juno, But with Blood

I was excited when I first heard about Jennifer’s Body




I’m always down to see a girl doing some slaying. Of course the boy was on board due to the presence of Megan Fox. Yet, somehow we missed it in theater. So the boy picked it up since we’re getting low on back episodes of SVU to watch.

Before I get to why I didn’t like Jennifer’s Body, let me tell you why I liked Juno (the same writer did both films). Juno’s main character faced a scary, traumatic ordeal and handled it with very little drama and a flip mouth. Her fun dialect opened up the door to her world. It was refreshing and optimistic.

On the surface it had everything it needed to be a great cheesy horror flick; paper thin plot, hot chicks, and a healthy dose of gore. (I must admit the fantasticness of watching emo boy get shredded.) The boy was astonished when I declared I wasn’t impressed immediately after watching. I literally took a night to sleep on it and figure out why I didn’t like this flick. Refreshing and optimistic dialect just doesn’t work in a horror flick. Having your lead character handle the possession of her best friend and her subsequently eating local boys (your main squeeze included) with little drama and flip mouth just doesn’t do the situation justice. Characters in horror flicks are supposed to flip out. Their supposed to be terrified. If the folks running around on screen aren’t scared how the hell are the viewer supposed to be?

Miss Fox’s acting was mediocre at best and Amanda Seyfried was only a touch better (I was expecting much better from her). However, Adam Brody was a surprise. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t put a lot of stock in these CW pretty boys. I think most of them are hired for their ability to stir the loins of teenage girls than their ability to act. Brody did really well with his sleazy bad guy role. He reminded me of Al Pacino in The Devil’s Advocate. Sleazycreepy, you could call it.

I wouldn’t waste my time on this one unless you just need a Megan Fox in skimpy clothing fix.

Christmas Cookies

What better way to be festive around the holidays then to watch holiday movies. After they boy and I opened our presents and stuffed our bellies with Christmas morning pancakes, we popped Black Christmas

in to continue our merriment.

Yet another cheesy, blood gushy film that I adore that got panned by the critics. Apparently the original has a cult following (I haven’t seen it, but after reading about it, I plan to). I think this kind of idolatry makes it hard for people to look at a remake without reservation (I should know, like I’ve said before there’s NO WAY I’m watching the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street. NOBODY is Freddy but Robert Englund. It’s just that simple to me). I have to wonder if the newer Black Christmas didn’t suffer from some of this.

We’re treated to the story of Billy Lenz via 1970s flash backs. It’s a nasty holiday tale of an abusive wack-job mom who killed Billy’s dad and kept him locked in the attic. Billy grows into a big boy who mom molests (sadly no one there to get SVU on the phone). Mom ends up pregnant with Billy’s daughter. A little while down the road Billy finally flips his shit on Christmas. He yanks out the eye of daughter-sister Agnes, kills mom’s boyfriend, and finally kills mom (making Christmas cookies out of the skin from her back). The cops make it over and Billy lands in the criminally insane house. Agnes, who managed to survive, is sent off to an orphanage.

Fast forward to present day. Billy’s old house is now a sorority house filled with typical sorority types. Unbeknown to them there’s someone in the house with them that’s slowly offing the sisters. Also unbeknown to the sisters Billy has made a jail break! (I loved the sleazy Santa getting offed at the asylum. There are only so many cheesy come-on lines I can hear before I start rooting for someone to get hacked up.)

The movie plays out in typical slasher fashion. Getting calls from “inside the house” (to keep up with technology, calls come from sister cell phones), sisters getting separated one by one (one in bed too drunk, one out to check the break box, etc), and the presence of the suspicious boyfriend. With a twist thrown in for good measure (Agnes! Shock!*).

The action doesn’t let up until the end (how fucked up is it that you can’t even get away from psychos at the hospital. Pushy bastards) and there’s plenty of blood/violence. After watching the boy kept humming Christmas tunes and I couldn’t help but make stabbing motions with my candy cane.

Merry Christmas!



*Please note the use of sarcasm.