Crash, Boom, and Bay

At the 8:50 showing, there was a line. The AC in the theater seemed to have been busted (and right now in Louisiana its 81 at 8:30 in the am. You walk outside, and you immediately begin to sweat your ass off). There were the usual assholes who think they’re so important they can’t sit through a whole movie without texting someone; despite all that, I enjoyed the hell out of Transformers: The Revenge of the Fallen.





I’ve looked at the reviews and yeah, they look pretty bad. The people who said the worst about the film seemed to have three distinct gripes: they watched all the cartoons when they were younger and everything is wrong, the story telling was sooo horrible, and it wasn’t “family friendly”.

To the “everything is wrong” people, first let me say this: put down your toys and get yourself some sex. I’m serious! Sex will change your life! Now, I understand seeing something you love on screen and feeling that someone just took the names of your favorite characters and made a movie with them. I’m a Stephen King fan, ‘nuff said. However, I’ve come to realize that movies are probably going to be vastly different from the material their based on (particularly in the case of movies based on earlier materials). Thusly, if I have a lot of myself invested in a character I’m not going to see a remake (you think your gonna catch me at the remake… excuse me… reimagining of Nightmare on Elm Street? Negative, Ghostrider). I’m not going to set myself up to get my feelings hurt. I can’t honestly tell you how close Transformers is to the source material. (I wasn’t Transformers girl, I was Barbie girl.) If you really want to know, ask a fanboy.

Addressing the bad story telling. When you hear the name Michael Bay, you should immediately assume that you’re not heading into sophisticated drama territory. In my opinion Bay is good at doing two things: blowing shit up and slapping a coat of gloss on old stuff making it tolerable for teenage brats with no attention span. Does that sound bad? Sure it does. But if you know that’s what you’re headed into when you walking in the theater, you can’t get mad. The story was easy enough to follow, the Decepticons are trying to do the revenge thing and kick earth’s ass. Again Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is tapped by the Autobots to help put a stop to it. He doesn’t really want to because he’d rather be off doing to college thing. Under the crash, boom, bang and robots, there’s the subtle transformation (heh) from boy to man. So yeah, the plot is paper thin, but that’s not what you’re supposed to be there for. You’re there for robots fighting and shit blowing up. Mr. Bay reaches his objective once again.

“Family friendly”. I hate that term. I took my 11 year old nephew to see this. I found it age appropriate. In fact the Autobots with the foul mouths were what tickled him the most. (And me too for that matter. When used appropriately, dirty words can be hilarious.) Now when I say foul mouth I don’t mean they sound like my soldier boys after a few beers. I mean there was a scattering of bitch and ass. Word is you can’t say fuck more than twice in a PG-13 flick. (Fuck… heh, I’m now rated R.) Now was this movie appropriate for 4 and 5 year olds who have a tendency to repeat things like parrots? Probably not. But that’s what the rating system is for. Ideally, a person should see that little PG-13 and say to themselves, “Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t take little 4 year old Timmy to see this.” But of course that doesn’t happen and these idiots want to bag on a flick for being too vulgar when the real problem is their too damn stupid to consider the rating.

The movie was funny and fun. I think that most of the people who hated this one just need to lighten up. Is this a classic that will be revered through history? Nope, but it was great way to spend an evening with my boys.

The Lust List

1.  

Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet. I can’t wait to see. There’s a great online base for this movie including a twitter page and a ten thou contest. Hopefully it’s as good as its hype. http://www.bloodnightmovie.com/

2.  
The Sleepaway Camp Survival Kit. Been wanting to get my hands on this set for a while. Not only are these classic 80’s horror, but the packaging is fantastic. Probably pick it up from Amazon sooner or later.

3.

Repo! The Genetic Opera. Horror musical with Anthony Head (Giles!) playing one of the leading roles. Apparently this is turning into a cult hit kind of like Rocky Horror Picture Show (which I’ve never seen, just heard the comparisons). Looks interesting enough to get me excited. http://www.repo-opera.com/

I'm Not Making This Up

I have to take part of the blame for this fiasco.

When the boy came home from picking up a copy of Transformers so I would finally watch it (I have my reasons, damn it) he told me that he had seen a movie that looked right up my alley. A fat guy dressed in a muumuu holding a severed arm on the cover. It looks horrible, he says, looks like you’ll love it. I, of course, responded with enthusiasm. Cross dressing wackos? Where do I sign up?

The title of this little gem? “Backwoods”.



So then movie night rolled around. With the warning that if it sucked I was getting the blame, the boy snags a couple of flicks, Backwoods included. Sshady, the Boy, and I all settle in to watch. Before the movie started there was a note from the producers. I only caught a glimpse of it so I called for a quick rewind. Not only was the note thanking what I presume was a school for the use of foreign exchange student, but there were misspelled words! Laughter ensued.

The laughter did not stop as the movie rolled. The beginning of the film starts with was looks like the work of a camcorder simply filming some woods with changing colored lenses. As the viewer is given this visual treat, a gravelly voice tells the story of Mangina (yep, that vagina but with man). I’m not sure what the story was exactly. I really couldn’t hear much over my own howling laughter. Adding to this hilarity was the death look the boy was giving me (he lacks my passion for really bad movies). He asserted that the film had exactly five minutes.

Five minutes was exactly enough for me to laugh my way into sore abs. The first shot of the film’s action was of a fat ass. At first we weren’t sure it was an ass and hearing the question “is that an ass?” is always funny. The shot of fat ass turns into two fat people humping against a tree. After they finish the girl (who I’m fairly certain was a guy in drag, and if it wasn’t, it was the ugliest woman I have EVER seen) begins to exclaim about how she knows she’s pregnant because she can feel the seed. This prompts the guys she’s with to bolt, fresh laughter from Shady and I, and a pained look from the boy. She/he then wanders through the woods yelling about how Dean must has left for the army and that Dean cannot make their baby a bastard. Seriously, I was having trouble even breathing at this point. Then the film skipped to 30 years later. Where our lady/guy is still pregnant. After moments of mutter about how she’d (he’d) carried this baby for thirty years and she’d (he’d) carry it for thirty more, the child decided to make its way into the world. Anally. And there on the ground covered in birthing muck was a full grown fat man. Who spoke to his mother like an uber-intellectual and referred to himself as a genius. My mind was blown.

The boy reached the end of his leniency and immediately enacted his veto.

I plan to watch it all one night. Just me and a bunch of beer. I may never recover.

(We ended up watching “Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon”, which I recommend. It’s kind of a sleeper at first but very much worth sticking with. Nathan Baesel, who plays the title character, is on point and I look forward to seeing more of him.)

The Blockbusters and The Really Good Stuff

The boy and I have been hitting the summer movies the past couple of weekends. Thus far, I'm not really impressed.

Wolverine was the bigger disappointment for me. I've always dug the X-Men flicks. I'm not a fangirl but I do have a little bit of knowledge about who’s who and what’s what, and my all time favorite character is Gambit. (Him being native and all that makes sense.) So there I was all amped.... some Hugh Jackman reprising his role as Wolverine (which suits him so gosh darn well), the promise of finding out how/why Wolverine is Wolverine (I maintain, NOT A FANGIRL), some Gambit action, and some Ryan Reynolds thrown in for good measure (seriously, if that guy is shirtless I'll watch him read the phone book). And it still managed to fail. The biggest problem was the whole film seemed rushed. The plot, the acting, the effects, everything. And can I speak on the effects for just a minute? Good grief! I’m not tech girl either but the CGI was just a mess. Even the horror flicks try harder than that. The shots of Wolverine's claws were particularly bad, which is a major deduction in points as the movie is ABOUT HIM. And my biggest problem? The thing I wanted to see the most. I'm not sure what kind of direction Taylor Kitsch had but his Gambit broke my heart. Here’s the thing about actors and the state of Louisiana. Typically when an actor/actress portrays someone from here, they go way too far with the Cajun accent (gives people the idea that were all running around down here in pirogues with gators as pets. And you know what, we are! I actually have two gators! And I eat crawfish for every meal! And that guy from The Waterboy, well he lives right down the bayou from me! Hee hee). However, Gambit is SUPPOSED to sound like that. It's part of his charm. And bless his heart; Kitsch didn’t even give it a go. Sad sad sad.

On the up side, I did think Liev Schreiber (who I’m beginning to think is just wonderful) did a bang up job as Sabertooth. Made the whole film worth sitting through. Also, going in I had no idea that Dominic Monaghan (whom I just adore. What a cutie.) was going to be in it. Happy surprise.

All and all, I'd say wait for DVD.


I have far far less to say about Terminator Salvation. I wanted to watch the previous flicks before I went to see this one, jog the memory, but I didn’t get a chance to. Without remembering exactly what the hell was going on, all I was really looking forward to was crash, boom, bang and robots. It delivered. Plenty of action, not much in the way of plot. Also I didn’t see a single performance in that film that I considered good. I know thousands of women can’t be wrong about the amazingness that is Christian Bale, but I just don’t see it. (Also for so reason he reminds me of Matthew Fox on Lost and I constantly want to kick his character in the teeth. Hard to see John Connor when all you’re getting is Jack Sheppard.) Worth seeing if you’re looking for some action but I’d have to say it only really merits a DVDing as well.



On to the good stuff:




Had heard a little about Amusement on some horror blogs and had seen it a couple of times in the movie store but I hadn’t gotten around to giving it a go. Much to my delight Sshady (best movie buddy in the world) brought it over on movie night. What a great, twisted, creepy little slasher flick! It followed the usual slasher formula (weirdo from the past stalks pretty girls) but with some odd twists (nope not giving a damn thing away, go get it and watch for yourself). Best thing about this flick is it honestly gave me the heebie-jeebies. I’m terrified of exactly two things, needles and clowns. If a guy in a clown suit chased me around with a needle I would drop dead of fright. I thought that the clown fear was just a childhood thing (too many horror flicks at a young age. And aside from that I seem to equate clowns with child molesters. Grown men (generally) who dress up in costume and play with kids. *shiver*) but the urge to hide behind the boy’s superman blanket as the creepy clown owned the screen proved that theory wrong. If you like horror flicks, you HAVE to watch this one. Go now! Watch!

I’m still holding out hope for the big screen. B says I have to watch Star Trek even though it really doesn’t sound like my cup of tea. Besides, I like seeing stuff on the big screen even if it sucks. At least I do when there’s not some jackass chatting through the whole flick, but that’s a whole other blog.