Just What I Thought It Would Be

I’d like to say thanks for being just as cheesy and gratuitously boob shot filled as expected, Sorority Row

Yet another remake. Hollywood is completely out of ideas.

Starting this movie the boy commented about how it was familiar. I said that it probably reminded him of I Know What You Did Last Summer. He agreed and added it was exactly like that one. I argued that it was only similar. I was right.

A car full of sorority sisters play a really fucked up prank on a boyfriend/ex boyfriend and one of them takes a tire iron (ouch!) to the chest. They then decide to dispose of the body instead of telling the cops (every time horror movie characters do this. No one ever learns). Some months down the road the sisters and everyone involved/everyone they blabbed to begin to get offed. Plenty of glossy blood and cringe worth slicing with a brand new tricked out tire iron. Points for ingenuity there (but seriously when will someone decide that a battery powered nail gun is their weapon of choice? I’m all about death by nail gun. I swear it’s one of the most underused methods of murder). Big reveal/plot twist ending. Nice by the book slasher film.

I appreciated the dedication to showing the goods. Both the blood and the tits were well represented. Also, I loved loved loved Leah Pipes’ Jessica. She was the biggest raging bitch! So much fun to watch. I was rather upset that she was killed off.

If you’re looking for some hot chick action and a decent amount of gore this may hit the spot for you.

Remade

I go into remakes with very low expectations. In fact before watching remakes I usually tell the boy and Shady not to get their hopes up because this is going to suck. I especially expect a suck fest when it’s rated PG-13. Oddly, The Stepfather

didn’t suck that bad.

The evil stepdad guy goes from family to family playing the daddy role and killing them when the disappoint them. (Thank god my parents never got this idea in their heads.) First glance at this guy shows him with his last family where he has successfully killed the shit out of everyone. The new family he finds includes Michael, the prodigal son that was away at military school while he began easing his way in and is now back for vacation. Dad starts killing off people who might be getting wise to him. Eventually the movie culminates with an epic(ish) battle in which dad and Michael both fall off the roof. Michael awakes from his coma some months later only to find that they never caught the guy. Gasp! Shock! How do these killers always get away and open the door for a sequel.

Again I say this didn’t suck that bad. The violence was commendable for the rating even though there was very little actual blood. It’s a cheap throw away movie. You spend you hour and a half or so and you forget it. Very little stays with you.

One thing that did stick was the urge to kick Penn Badgley in the teeth. I freely admit I watch the show Gossip Girl. I love the show, hate Penn Badgley. Seriously. I know he can only give the lines and take the cues from the script but how many times is this guy going to play a huge pussy? I went into to film hoping that he would turn it all around and play a bad ass. Nope. This kid was away a military school and still comes back acting like a whiney little brat? For fuck’s sake, Badgley, can you pick just one character with some balls?

Also, Amber Heard, that’s two now. If you’re going to continue to be in horror flicks I’m going to have to demand you take off your top. We have rules, you know.

The Anatomy of Fear and My Love for the Mighty Ducks

Fear is personal. Hence a variety of “types” of horror movies. You have slasher flicks, monster flicks, and the kind that gets me, the haunting flick. My buddy Shady says the ones that get him are the slasher flicks; they make him wonder who may be watching him and planning how to off him. Me, I don’t worry about that. If guy in a mask is waiting behind my bathroom door to grab me I figure I can give him a struggle and hit him with all the crap that’s lying on the counter. He may get me in the end, but damnit, he’s gonna limp away. But then the idea of something supernatural creeping up behind me, something I can’t clock in the mouth with a bottle of perfume, gives me the heebs.

Hence the surprise when watching Shutter

I admit I bought Shutter because of the Mighty Ducks. More specifically my long standing relationship with Joshua Jackson that started with the Mighty Ducks. I was probably about 12. Of course I mooned over most of the cast of cuties but Joshua Jackson was the stand out. Adorable little Charlie. Sigh. To this day I still can’t kick those movies. Any time I happen on one I can pretty much guarantee I’ll sit and watch, completely engrossed. (Sweet Jesus, why am I admitting that to the internets?)

So there I was in the movie store seeing nothing that screamed “WATCH ME”. I saw Shutter and said to the boy “Aw, I love Joshua Jackson. Such a damn shame he never gets good roles.” The boy, of course, ignored me. So I proceeded to tell him I was buying it; that actually provoked the response of “And I’m not watching it with you.” Fast forward to movie night. I warned Shady that this was going to be bad. Asian inspired and lame. We were prepared to be underwhelmed. I also planned to try and refrain from yelling things like “flying V!” and “ducks fly together!” at the TV.

But there was no need!

My jeers were completely unnecessary as I found myself wholly engrossed in the flick.

I remembered from the previews that Jackson’s character, photographer Ben, was a bad guy (hey, people who make trailers, could you please stop giving away the whole movie? K, thanks). So immediately when Ben and new wife Jane mow down the creepy Asian lady on the deserted back road I decided that she was already dead and he killed her. This theory was given weight as the police found no body post wreck and the photographs that Ben takes all come out laden with odd images. My inner critic sighed. But then things got a little thicker.

The movie progresses and Jane is informed that the odd images are of a supernatural nature, also we’re introduced to Ben’s sleazy friends and knowledge of foreshadowing tells us that they played some part in this debacle.

While this movie is lacking in violence and gore there are plenty of scenes that make the skin crawl. There are the overt scenes where our ghost stalks Ben in the flicker of camera lights and there are less obvious scenes like when Jane goes to meet a writer at a magazine specializing in supernatural photographs. At the magazine office there’s a room where the walls are covered with “real” pictures (verses the ones they fake for their readership. Ah, truth in journalism). The overwhelmingly eerie vibe of the room and Jane’s cautious exploration makes the viewer prepare for a jump scene. But there’s none. Just a lingering shot of the room through the open door. Most effective.

The film carried on at a decent pace. The sleazy friends are dispatched in a mildly violent manner and Ben finally admits that he had dated miss ghosty (Megumi) and had broken it off when she got too clingy. This led to her suicide. Jane discovers that the Megumi, in apparition form, had been with them all the while via an appearance in their wedding photos. The couple then finds Megumi’s body and give her a proper burial hoping this will end things. It kinda does.

After all this business the couple decided to head home to New York. At their apartment, with help from more Megumi photo ops, Jane discovers the whole truth hidden in Ben’s old camera. Ben allowed his buds to rape Megumi while he did nothing to help (even snapped some pics. Sick fucker). Jane bounces. But the big reveal goes on.

Ben has a phenomenal melt down snapping away with his Polaroid trying to find Megumi, only to find that she’s on his freaking shoulders! Cringe and skin crawl. So he tries to get rid of her. With electricity!

The final shot finds Ben in a pysch ward. And then it cuts to the reflection in the glass inlay of the door. She’s still there! Ack!

Of course this movie got panned by critics and most people who saw it. It’s a remake and it wasn’t nearly as good, it’s brainless Hollywood drivel, yadda yadda.

I guess I’m stupid. Because even though it’s brainless and without a touch of originality (general consensus), I appreciated it. In fact I found myself turning on lights and avoiding looking at pictures afterward. Even wondering briefly about the boy’s ex ladies. In short, its lingering effect kind of scared me. And isn’t that the only thing a horror flick is supposed to do? Linger and give you the creeps?