Just What I Thought It Would Be

I’d like to say thanks for being just as cheesy and gratuitously boob shot filled as expected, Sorority Row

Yet another remake. Hollywood is completely out of ideas.

Starting this movie the boy commented about how it was familiar. I said that it probably reminded him of I Know What You Did Last Summer. He agreed and added it was exactly like that one. I argued that it was only similar. I was right.

A car full of sorority sisters play a really fucked up prank on a boyfriend/ex boyfriend and one of them takes a tire iron (ouch!) to the chest. They then decide to dispose of the body instead of telling the cops (every time horror movie characters do this. No one ever learns). Some months down the road the sisters and everyone involved/everyone they blabbed to begin to get offed. Plenty of glossy blood and cringe worth slicing with a brand new tricked out tire iron. Points for ingenuity there (but seriously when will someone decide that a battery powered nail gun is their weapon of choice? I’m all about death by nail gun. I swear it’s one of the most underused methods of murder). Big reveal/plot twist ending. Nice by the book slasher film.

I appreciated the dedication to showing the goods. Both the blood and the tits were well represented. Also, I loved loved loved Leah Pipes’ Jessica. She was the biggest raging bitch! So much fun to watch. I was rather upset that she was killed off.

If you’re looking for some hot chick action and a decent amount of gore this may hit the spot for you.

Remade

I go into remakes with very low expectations. In fact before watching remakes I usually tell the boy and Shady not to get their hopes up because this is going to suck. I especially expect a suck fest when it’s rated PG-13. Oddly, The Stepfather

didn’t suck that bad.

The evil stepdad guy goes from family to family playing the daddy role and killing them when the disappoint them. (Thank god my parents never got this idea in their heads.) First glance at this guy shows him with his last family where he has successfully killed the shit out of everyone. The new family he finds includes Michael, the prodigal son that was away at military school while he began easing his way in and is now back for vacation. Dad starts killing off people who might be getting wise to him. Eventually the movie culminates with an epic(ish) battle in which dad and Michael both fall off the roof. Michael awakes from his coma some months later only to find that they never caught the guy. Gasp! Shock! How do these killers always get away and open the door for a sequel.

Again I say this didn’t suck that bad. The violence was commendable for the rating even though there was very little actual blood. It’s a cheap throw away movie. You spend you hour and a half or so and you forget it. Very little stays with you.

One thing that did stick was the urge to kick Penn Badgley in the teeth. I freely admit I watch the show Gossip Girl. I love the show, hate Penn Badgley. Seriously. I know he can only give the lines and take the cues from the script but how many times is this guy going to play a huge pussy? I went into to film hoping that he would turn it all around and play a bad ass. Nope. This kid was away a military school and still comes back acting like a whiney little brat? For fuck’s sake, Badgley, can you pick just one character with some balls?

Also, Amber Heard, that’s two now. If you’re going to continue to be in horror flicks I’m going to have to demand you take off your top. We have rules, you know.