In the Screening Room

Excuse Me, I Have to Feed My Gator

2011-09-13T21:15:00.016-05:00

Funny thing about movies, horror in particular, you know from the opening when a movie is set in Louisiana. I mean, everyone knows there’s nothing but swamp here and everyone’s Grandmama knows voodoo or hoodoo or something to that effect. And we all row around in pirogues all day. In fact that’s how I got to work today. But I digress.

Venom

is a supernatural slasher flick set right here in my home state where everything is all swampy and scary.

To be brutally honest, it’s a lame movie. It probably won’t rank among the top ten in my worst horror flicks ever but it’s pretty damn bad.

The cast hit a few of modest notes with the appearance of Jonathan Jackson (Riding the Bullet, General Hospital), Laura Ramsey (The Covenant), and Bijou Phillips (Hostel II, Bully). It’s a cast of people you know but you don’t really know where the hell you know them from. I talk a lot about stock characters and this film takes it to the extreme. Not only was every character an idea that’s been done a million times but it seemed as if the actors even felt it and threw in the towel. Phillips death scene as the about to be shattered Tammy was ridiculously unbelievable. I honestly wished she would have been offed about two minutes before it actually happened just to shut up the insanely fake wailing. And quite frankly the gay guy should have been much much gayer.

Along with the halfass performances there was a pile of played out story line. It began with Grandma creeping around in the graveyard in the middle of the night digging up some evil. Then we moved on to the development of the villain… you know, the one that never meant to be a villain but happened on some unfortunate circumstances that made him evil. And of course there was the heroine with the hard life, desperate to leave the small town behind. If I didn’t know better I’d be half inclined to believe that a couple of twelve year olds wrote this screen play after reading too many Fear Street books.

What kept this rubbish from being completely meritless? Well, I saw to the end just to see if my original assumption that the pretty boy boyfriend would never make it was right. And, of course, I was. Sorry, Lucky, you’re a little too cute to live, here’s a screwdriver to the dome. There were some other high points as well; watching snake guy Ray wreck shop with his tire iron was fun. Also you can pretty much guarantee you are fucked out of luck when you try to flee only to find your car (your bug) on its top. If you find the wheels of your car in the air you are destined to fail at horror movie survival. It says a lot that humor , not scare factor, made this bearable.

I would suggest buying this if you find it in the five dollar bin…in a combo pack… with two other, better movies.

Childhood Memories

2011-09-03T12:20:00.002-05:00

Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years. Why, yes I did just kick this off with cheesy early 90's rap lyrics. It makes a fitting intro to not only my return to blogging but also to the subject at hand. Nostalgia. Horror nostalgia. Tales From the Crypt .

Aw, the memories. The creepy slow mo intro, the squealy puppet, the snark. Like Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, and similar series, Tales from the Crypt is a fond cinematic childhood memory. As is the spin off movie Demon Knight.

From the opening sequence of the actual movie (not the Crypt Keeper intro, that's just fun stuff) you see that this one is going less for scary and more for splashy/edgy. You've got an epic high speed car crash in the middle of nowhere. Two dudes exit car crash with little to no injury, all the while "Hey Man, Nice Shot" by Filter is screaming along in the background. Splashy and edgy.

After the explosive (I really just can't resist a good pun. I apologize.) beginning, the story progresses with the intro of the cast of characters. This is made up of a shit ton of archetypes. You've got the sheriff and his bumbling sidekick, the friendly old drunk, the cute kid, the sweet hooker, the motherly yet stern older lady, the hapless dork (who doubles as the wackjob postal worker. Two stereotypes in one, that shit deserves some props!), the douchey boyfriend, and the trying to make a new life heroine. I think the writer may have drawn up a list of most often used horror characters and decided to slap every single one of them in one script. And while that is fairly cheesy, it's countered with snappy yet believable dialogue. And we do get a dash of real ambiguity during the exposition in determining which of the epic car crash (at least 100 mph!) survivors is the hero and which one is the villain.

After we establish that Breaker (played by William Sadler, who never fucking fails. One particularly note worthy performance being Karl 'Red' Cooper in the CSI episode "Killer") is our hero and The Collector (Billy Zane, aka the most charismatic bad guy ever) is our villain, the real action begins. Heads roll (literally), demons sprout from the ground in the only semi-scary scene in the whole movie, people are possessed, and an old lady gives the finger with a phantom arm. In with all this action and good times twists the story of a key that Breaker must protect. Said key returning to the hands of the demons that seek it would curse the world to darkness. The key also contains the blood of Jesus which provides protection in the form of seals on doors/windows/openings and just like in any night of marathon drinking the goal is to not break the seal.

This movie is so cheesy it could have come from the pages of the comics just like the television show did. But it's not a loss. While it did take a shot at being edgy, it also relied on the elements that made the show so successful; a damn good sense of humor and over the top gore. And then there's that whole thing where Billy Zane is so awesome at playing a bad guy its hard to take your eyes off him. It's another one of those films that you can't go into expecting gold. It's most enjoyable when looked at as a light hearted romp or if your just nostalgic for a good old Crypt Keeper story.

Keep It in Your Pants

2011-02-14T14:56:00.004-06:00

Rape is bad. But according to Law and Order rapists are still raping (they climbing in your window snatching your people up… ). Thusly, the horror genre takes it upon itself to reiterate the “don’t rape, it’s not cool” message in movies like I Spit on Your Grave

Critics panned this one, once again confirming my suspicion that critics should stick with high brow fare. This remake of the controversial original (which was also panned) is one of the best horror flicks I’ve seen in a long damn time. Jennifer, a writer, decides to take some time off in a secluded cabin in the woods. All horror fans know this will lead to certain misfortune. On her way to the cabin she meets some of the more colorful locals and catches their interest. Bad for her. Jennifer is gang raped and assumed to be dead. But you know what they say about assuming. In reality she’s alive and pissed. Pissed to the 1000 degree (and rightfully so!). Cue the revenge.

Pretty basic revenge plot right? Sure, but here’s what made it amazing: first you get to see exactly where things take a downhill turn. Often in horror flicks you don’t find out exactly why the rapist does what he does. This isn’t an episode of SVU. There’s rarely an interrogation in the revenge scenes. However; I Spit on Your Grave shows the exact moment when Jennifer’s fate is sealed. As the rest of the guys taunt Johnny you see the man’s shaky hold on morality slip away. You can almost hear his inner monologue, something along the lines of “Imma rape that bitch”.

Secondly, that’s some damn good revenge. When Jennifer slaps Stanley (Daniel Franzese. Or that guy from Bully as I identified him immediately. Or that guy from Mean Girls as I later realized.) with a face full of fish guts Shady and I both approved with shrugs. That’s pretty fucked up and rude we agreed. Being tied up with your eyes pinned open and covered in fish guts certainly isn’t a fun way to spend the afternoon. I admit, we didn’t get it. Unit the crow landed in his lap. Then the living room came alive with exclamations “oh shit!” and “that’s fucking awesome!”.

The only thing I really didn’t like about this movie was how Jennifer handled the sheriff. Not that I objected to the anal violation. Nope, the moment he uttered the words “I’m an ass man” I knew that was going to come back to haunt him and I glad. I wanted the emotional side of his torture, the way Jennifer taunted him by bringing his family into the whole mess, to be worse. I wanted his sweet pregnant wife to know what a sick fuck her husband was (particularly since it was hinted at that this wasn’t the first time this rowdy bunch had did something like this). I wanted to see him mentally destroyed the same way our girl undoubtedly was.

If you don’t like graphic (seriously graphic) and realistic (seriously realistic) rape scenes avoid this flick. If you can stomach then I highly recommend this one.

Culture and Shit

2011-01-22T20:55:00.002-06:00

Call me uncultured or unintelligent but I typically run the other way in the face of movies with subtitles. When I watch a movie I just want to check my mind out and be entertained. No reading involved. Had I done a little investigating before I picked up The Orphanage

I wouldn’t have bought it. But I’m glad I didn’t.

Shady and I ended up watching the movie simply because we were too damn lazy to get up and find something else after we realized it was subtitled. With our asses planted firmly on the couch we decided that we’d give it a little bit and if it really sucked we do something about it. Happily, it never started to suck.

Story is Laura, her husband, and her son have moved into the orphanage she lived at for a little while as a little girl where Laura plans to open a new orphanage. The story starts with most of its focus on Simon, her (adopted, unknown to him) son. He’s an imaginative little boy with a host of imaginary friends and sadly he’s HIV positive. Right away Simon’s “imaginary friend” leads him and Laura on a not so fun treasure hunt in which Simon finds out that he’s adopted and he’s dying. Soon after shit starts getting creepy.

A sad turn of events leads to the unveiling of the real story of the orphanage. Tomas, the freakishly deformed outcast, suffered a “death by teasing” (he died in a cave because he was too ashamed to come out). Tomas’s mother then poisoned the rest of the kids leaving them to haunt the orphanage.

Both of the stories twist together seamlessly to come to one rather sad and fucked up ending. But fucked up in a suitable way. It’s not a happy ending kind of story, but then when one of your main characters is a little boy with HIV, you can’t really expect everything to come up roses.

This movie was low on the blood and gore but it more than made up for it with good, old fashioned ghost story creepy. My cat may or may not have gotten smacked a couple of times due to me jumping out of my skin. So, run watch this now and get your creepy on.

Hybrid

2011-01-07T09:51:00.009-06:00

There are plenty of films you can’t safely slot into a category these days. For instance the Underworld series, is it horror? Is it action? It seemed when I was younger that if there was a vampire in a movie it was a fairly safe bet that you were watching a horror movie. These days, not so much. Even the low budget romps are sliding over the genre borders. Fist of the Vampire for instance

After watching this one I had the idea that bunch of guys were just hanging out in the dojo chatting about what would make a really cool movie. In my mind scenario they were all hella stoned. The conversation went something like this: “Dude, we should totally make a movie.” “Yeah, about an underground fighting ring like Fight Club. Just we’d make it more awesome.” “So much more awesome… and Dude, we could put vampires in it!” “Fuck yeah dude! A underground vampire fighting ring. Sweet.” Possibly I put waaaay too much thought into this.

The first thing you notice about this flick is that it’s shot like a gritty 70’s cop drama. Muted colors and just a touch of shakiness. Add to this the plot starting out like a Steven Seagal flick (kid’s family gets killed which will eventually lead him to seek revenge as an adult) and you’ve pretty much moved out of horrorland…. but then you see that the folks massacring the kid’s family are vampires. The movie moves on into the future where our hero has made a successful career as a cop. He’s sent undercover to break up and illegal gambling/fighting ring that…. wait for it… just happens to be ran by the vampires who killed his family! Gasp!

While the plot left a whole lot to be desired this film didn’t suck nearly as bad as I thought it would. Even though we knew exactly how it would end we still felt compelled to see it through til the end. That’s a lot more than I can say for some of the shit we’ve watched. When things get a little silly or slow there’s hot girl on girl and plenty of ass kicking to help things along. Mainly this one just suffers from taking its self too seriously.

Best Party Ever

2010-12-29T11:48:00.003-06:00

You know you’re in for a treat when one of the main reasons behind the production of a film was the film maker’s yearning to “write a scene where a guy gets eaten by demonic breasts”. Of course I didn’t know this when Shady brought over the flick. I just knew that there was no way in hell that a movie named Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned could not be full of awesome.

And it was! This super low budget romp the best possible way for my homie and I to get back into movie night.

First of all this film doesn’t pretend to be anything it’s not. Horror films (particularly low budget ones) that pretend to be more than they really are bother the hell out of me. I mean a director/producer has to realize at some point that the film is destined for the 5 dollar bin at Wal-Mart. Just be satisfied with your station in life (if you’re a tracer, you’re a tracer) and don’t expect me to believe I’m watching the next Saw. Bachelor Party reveled in the cheese. Gaps in continuity were even referenced in the credits. (Note: if you pick up this flick, watch the credits. Fucking hilarious!)

Bachelor Party is about, what else, a Bachelor Party gone really wrong. Sam, the dutiful best man, decides to put together a bachelor bash complete with strippers for Chuck. Along with a couple other buds (one named The Fish. After watching this movie Shady and I have decided we need friends with cooler nicknames.) they head to a bungalow in the Hamptons. As the movie warmed up two things were established; neither of us knew exactly what a bungalow was (“A small house or cottage usually having a single story and sometimes an additional attic story.” Thanks, http://www.thefreedictionary.com/) and for every two guys in a hot tub there must be at least one girl in order for things to be considered strictly hetero. A first the movie moved along fairly quickly. Three strippers that I would never pay to see get naked showed up (I made Shady promise that if a chubby stripper ever tried to drag me away while I was passed out he’d put a stop to it. He assured me he would stop said shenanigans by telling her “no, stripper, go get a Twinkie!”). Soon these strippers turned into hideous monsters, later to be identified as vampires, and dispatched of couple of our party goers. Sam and Chuck manage to stay alive… kind of. Sam is unscathed but Chuck finds himself vamping out. Sam’s new mission is to revert Chuck to his human status by killing the master vampire.

This is where the movie started to get a little long. There were a couple of places where the movie logically could have ended. I was getting pretty yawny but I was glad I hung in there. Why? DEATH BY YARD GNOME!!!!!! Made it all worth it. You have not seen awesome until you’ve seen a vampire beat to death with a yard gnome. Cinematically, I could die happy.

Doing the write up for the review of this one I got another happy surprise, a website chock full of production notes. Other low budget films, take note, the more visible you are to the people who’ll be watching your film, the better. While I was partial to the film, I wasn’t really excited about writing it up until I read about the production.

If you have a sense of humor about your horror, you need to watch this one. You will so thank me.

Pace Yourself

2010-12-19T11:38:00.000-06:00

Ever noticed box quotes on movies that mention how “fast paced” the film is? It’s supposed to be the kind of flick that sweeps you up in the action and moves right along. Usually, even a bad movie benefits from fast pacing. The suckage moves along quickly and you have less time to get pissed off. The Haunting of Molly Hartley

is the only movie I’ve ever seen that was too fast paced. This flick would have greatly benefited from a whole lot of slow the fuck down. Also, this is the only movie that’s been so bad that I had to remark about how bad it was to myself. There I was, all by my lonesome, in the hotel room and as the credits rolled I found myself saying aloud “wow, that was terrible.”

The movie begins with a dad murdering his daughter. Yep, it just jumps right the fuck in. All you gather from the opening sequence was that the girl was about to turn 18 and her dad wasn’t having it. Then we jump to the title character. Molly Hartley has moved to a new school to make a new start after her mom tried to kill her. She is immediately sought after by a religious nut, the hottest boy in school, (Chase Crawford is really good at that smoldering thing. Not much else but at least he’s got that.) and the school badass. Molly seems to be cracking up. She’s hearing some shit, she’s seeing some shit, and then she goes and breaks the class bully’s arm at a party. Oh, shit she has a tumor! And then she finds out mom and dad sold her soul to the devil! Bam, bam, bam…. all the eloquence of a machine gun. The only good part of the movie was the end when the viewer finds Molly decided since she couldn’t beat ‘em, she’d join ‘em.

This movie ended where it should have began. Molly fighting for her soul made for a lame story. Molly embracing the dark side (feel free to make a Vader reference here) would have made for some watching pleasure.

There was nothing redeeming about this flick. Can I get my money back?

Just in Time for Xmas Traveling

2010-12-15T12:12:00.000-06:00

I believe it's human nature to want to be in control of a situation. Confusion, of course indicates loss of control. This is why I believe that confusion is so closely linked with fear.

Consider a nightmare. You don’t understand why people you know are behaving in strange ways, you don’t understand why you can’t scream, why you can’t run. The confusion leaves you terrified. At least that’s how it works for me.

Movies that can utilize this link between confusion and fear have something going for them. While Rest Stop

had an itty bitty budget and showcased some pretty bad acting skills, it did manage to work the hell out of the confusion angle.

Our main characters Nicole and Jess stop at a rest stop in the middle of nowhere on an escape from home. Nicole heads in to use the facilities and when she comes back out Jess is nowhere to be found. All that’s left is one lone cigarette. As the astute viewer we already have a good idea that Jess has been snatched up by the yellow truck driving bad guy that tried to run the pair off the road earlier. Nicole, however, is left to wonder about the rest stop confused.

From here, the movie steamrolls ahead. While the madman in the yellow truck stalks Nicole she encounters a bloody girl, Tracy, in the bathroom closet. Our bloody, bruised friend tells Nicole of the bus where the madman tortures his victims. And, for the viewer, it’s the best kind of torture…. staples, and drills, and sewing needles, oh my! So our heroine decides that not only save herself and find out what happened to her boyfriend, but she’ll also jail break Tracy. Of course things don’t happen quite like that.

The progression of the movie also leads Nicole into the camper of what may have been the strangest family ever. One preachy father, one nut bag mother, two silent (and creepy looking) twins and Scotty the deformed youngster wielding a camera. I watched this movie twice and neither time did I understand exactly what the hell the whole camper/family thing was all about. Working the confusion angle again I suppose.

The last random character to show up amid all the confusion is Officer Deacon played by Joey Lawrence (go ahead, say “Woah”, you know you want to). His arrival and subsequent dismantling by the killer leads to the best part of the whole movie…. nope, not telling. But if you’ve already seen it I’m sure you’ve delighted in the fuckupness of it.

Rest Stop is an interesting act in patience. You spend most of the movie wondering what the fuck is going on only to find at the end it seems that you were supposed to be wondering what the fuck was going on. While I can’t say that it was terribly scary, I can say that I make it a point to avoid roadside rest stops. I’ll be popping into Mickey D’s to take a leak, thanks.

Game Over

2010-11-21T18:03:00.000-06:00

Well there was really no getting around it. I couldn’t not see Saw 3D.

So let’s be snarky and start with the bad stuff first. There was no reason, at all, this one should have been in 3-D. I sat there with those stupid glasses over my glasses for the duration of the flick expecting to feel like I was dodging blood and entrails. No such luck. You assholes, why’d I pay 11 bucks for that?

Also, there was more of that building in the story bullshit. You know where the audience is expected to believe this person or that thing was moving around behind the main story all along. Just like we were expected to believe Hoffman had been behind things from the beginning. This ploy tends to annoy me. It makes me think that possibly the writers are sitting around making shit up as they go along… “yeah, yeah they’ll buy that shit… they’ve bought the rest of this shit.” But in this case I’ll let it go because it leads me to the good stuff… (spoiler alert)

Cary Elwes FOR THE WIN!!! I have to say, I was rooting for the doc all along. Anyone who hacks off their own foot deserves to get the final word. Aside from that, it’s in the horror movie handbook that if you don’t see a person die, their most likely not actually dead. And then to have him be the one to finally dispose of the oh so douchey Hoffman? Yes please!

I also loved the other story line happening in this one. Watching Bobby (Sean Patrick Flanery) be completely unable to save anyone was actually fairly gut wrenching. I didn’t really expect the bar-b-que at the end. I mean for all the knowledge the audience was given, Joyce was perfectly innocent. It was nice to see something actually shocking and (almost) as unexpected as the Game Over moment in the original happen again.

And while we’re racking up points here, Sean Patrick Flanery shirtless is always a winner. Probably would have made me ok with the flick regardless. I’m beginning to wonder if he gets a shirtless scene wrote into all of his contracts or something. Honestly, I hope so.

Over all, save your bucks and don’t fall for the 3D. But if you’ve suffered through the rest of this series I’d say go for DVD. It ties things up pretty nicely with a fair amount of blood and gore, however, it will NEVER compare to the original.

They Must Have Been Stoned

2010-08-05T22:39:00.000-05:00

That’s why the people behind Neighbor

put this film out there for public consumption.

I’m all for a fun and grisly torture porn romp. I mean I’m still hanging on through the Saw movies. But this was so not worth the 15 bucks.

There was no plot. Not even a touch, a glimmer, a smidge. We watched and waited. We got all where’s Waldo on that mother fucker. Nope, no plot to be found. See, there were some guys in a band and a girl (who really should have gotten naked but she didn’t) who was killing people. And the girl eventually tortured and killed all the guys in the band and a bunch of other people. Does my description seem lacking? Sorry, but that’s really all that happened in this flick. No character definition, no reasoning behind the torture, no building suspense, no real climax. Directly after the film I heard nothing from the boy. “Did you fall asleep?” I asked. “Nope”, he says “I’ve just been left speechless by how bad this movie was.” That pretty much summed it up.

Note: Guys, if you decided to check this one out there is some penis torture. Big and bad and even made me squirm and I don’t have a willy.

Should Have Used the Thrasher

2010-07-06T08:47:00.002-05:00

These days it’s starting to look like everything you need to know about a movie is right there in the trailer. For example take the trailer from The Crazies:

you have yourself an idyllic little town where the opening day of baseball season is a big deal. Of course, no little town is complete without the likeable sheriff. Then things start to go bad when the sheriff has to blow away the town drunk midfield, midgame. But wait, more of the townsfolk seem to be acting strangely. In fact their starting to barbeque their family members. Then when things get really eerie and deserted, in comes the military. No doubt they’ve done something stupid and this nice little town is going to have to pay for it. And then it all ends with a big fat explosion. There you go a concise summary from the trailer.

No kidding, just watch it, it’s all there. I’m starting to get really annoyed when I watch a movie and there are NO surprises because everything has already been laid bare in the trailer.

Ok, real notes on the movie. Characters were rather one dimensional but that didn’t detract too much from the audience’s ability to like them. You still found yourself rooting for the sheriff to make it out alive. The violence wasn’t unbearable but was still pleasingly shocking. Putting a mother and son in a closet and setting the house on fire, that’s pretty good business. However, I was pretty disappointed that we got no use out of the thrasher. I was so ready for that. I was thinking blood, guts, and body parts EVERYWHERE. Sigh. Maybe next time.

The "oops the military fucked up" plot is starting to get over done. Luckily, The Crazies managed to avoid falling into the overdone plot hole by focusing less on that angle and more on the sheriff’s escape mission. It was a thin line the film was dancing on there. Much more damn you military guys, how could you do this to us, and all would have been lost. As for the end you can't call yourself a true horror movie fan if you didn't see that "surprise twist" coming.

My guess is that this one won’t take long to reach the half price bin. I’d suggest waiting until then to snag it.

(And if you’ve been keeping up, sorry about the drop off. Just wasn’t feeling it for a while.)

Foreign Territory

2010-04-14T13:41:00.000-05:00

Let’s be very clear: I am not a Science Fiction person. I’ve never even been able to sit through the flicks that straddle the line between Sci-fi and horror. I’ve dodged Alien and Predator more times than I can actually count. However, SyFy (used to be the Sci-fi channel. Not terribly sure what the name change was all about. Did the channel have a mid-life crisis?) has put out a couple of miniseries/movies that have really tickled my fancy. The first was Tin Man, a reimagining of The Wizard of Oz. Recently the boy and I stumbled on another, Alice.

(To give credit where credit is due, the boy saw it. I was busy in the incredibly slim horror section (hey, Wal-Mart, you suck.) seeing what founts o’ cheese I could lay hands on.) We ended up watching Alice while I was having a hangover day (hangovers tend to leave me on the couch completely immobile). Otherwise it’s highly unlikely I could have sat still for the entire thing. It’s running time is 180 minutes . I think that’s pretty lengthy, even for normal people.

The movie starts off with full grown Alice stumbling through a mirror while chasing after boyfriend Jack. It just happens to be Wonderland she stumbles into. This Wonderland is nothing like the cartoon version or Burton’s take. To me this Wonderland was closer to a movie representation of American McGee’s Alice (why oh why has this not been made into a movie yet? Sigh). While it wasn’t nearly as dark as McGee’s Alice, it was a much darker, more adult version than the other two. For the most part the buildings in this Wonderland teetered in the air. I imagine this caused plenty of heads to spin given the commonness of fear of heights. Also the stark grayness of the outside and the odd foliage on the inside of the buildings created an air of confusion that resonated at a deeper level than most other interpretations ever managed to reach.

In this version of Wonderland the Queen of Hearts (played by Kathy Bates) is as bad as ever. She runs the land and a casino where kidnapped humans (brought through the looking glass) are being drained of emotions. The emotions are being sold to the people of Wonderland thus creating a society jonesing for quick gratification. Of course any societal faction has to have a counter faction and Wonderland has the Resistance.

Alice traipses about Wonderland trying to devise a plan to get to Jack and get him home. Shortly in she finds that the ring Jack has left her with is the all important stone of Wonderland. The ring powers the looking glass. Not only does Alice think that this will be a good bargaining chip for her but so do the other characters she meets up with. Plenty of battles, psychological torture, a deranged hit man with a bunny head, a reuniting with daddy plot line, flying motorized flamingos, and a shitload of other insanity later (seriously this flick was epic in its plot device undertaking) Alice manages to save the day, get home, and get herself a happy ending.

The internets are pretty much split on this one. Some are saying it’s a whole lot of nothing while others a calling it a delightful fantasy. I think it could have been a little bit shorter and it really would have benefitted from a different choice of actress for the lead. Caterina Scorsone gave one of the driest performances I may have ever seen. It was kind of like someone stuffed a corpse and worked it around on screen via puppet strings. Also, can we get Matthew Frewer some Xanax? ‘Cause he needs to calm the fuck down. While the White Knight’s part of the meandering plot was one of the more endearing parts, watching him was kind of exhausting. There wasn’t near enough Tim Curry for my taste. I really do love me some Tim Curry. Although, I hope he lays off the fried foods because if he doesn’t I’m worried we may never see him play Pennywise in a R rated remake of Stephen King’s It. (Shut up, it’s going to happen.)

And it sounds like I’m completely panning this one but I’m not! Allow me to get to the good stuff now. I’ve got to speak on Colm Meaney. I’ve seen him do the cop thing a couple of times. He’s good at that. But in this one he played the King of Hearts. I found myself unexpectedly touched by his character’s speech to his wife near the end. He combined just the right amount of gruffness and sadness to make the feelings believable.

The best (by far) part about Alice was Andrew-Lee Potts. I can honestly say from the second I saw him on the movie cover (having no idea who it was) I was thinking that the character was going to strike gold. There was simply something in his expression that popped. Potts plays Hatter, who acts as Alice’s guide through Wonderland. Hatter is roguish, morally ambiguous, and completely and utterly charming. Hatter is the one character in Alice that undertakes a real transformation. At the beginning of the show Hatter is playing both sides, profiting from the Heart’s treachery but also supplying the resistance with food and supplies. As the film progresses his antics with Alice show him that there is a “better” way he could be living his life and he makes the conscience decision to become a better person. Potts display of emotion is phenomenal (illustrating just how void Scorsone was) and I have to admit he is quite the cutie (British and dimples, ‘nuff said). Watching him in Alice gave me cause to look him up and now I’m all about some Primeval (more sci-fi but I’ve been needing some light “monster of the week” action since the end of Buffy and Angel).

In all I think Alice is an interesting take on Alice and Wonderland but I’m not going to say it was amazing. It will, however, help take your mind off of a debilitating hangover.

Reasons Not to be Vain

2010-04-07T13:33:00.000-05:00

I don’t like mirrors. Ever since I was a kid and was freaked by that Bloody Mary game I’ve been mirror paranoid. I’m convinced one of these days I’ll look into a mirror, see something that shouldn’t be there, and have to live the rest of my life medicated. However, I love Keifer Sutherland. Hence watching Mirrors.

I saw it in the theaters when it first came out. I remember being suitable freaked after the show. Had mostly forgotten about it until the boy and I lost our minds at our movie store’s closing sale (I’m still in mourning). By lost our minds I mean we went home with a sack full of flicks. So movie night rolled around and given the choice of Mirrors or the Friday the Thirteenth remake (shut up. There are a lot of gratuitous tit shots in that flick.), Shady chose Mirrors.

Just minutes in, “suicide” via slitting the throat with a broken shard of mirror. (I have to say, while I don’t know if it’s possible, I’d be pretty impressed if someone did manage to slit their own throat that viciously. I mean that would prove that they really wanted to kill the shit out of themselves. I know, I know, me considering this kind of bullshit is probably indicative of some real issues). Shudder. Not a lot of explanation, just a babbling, terrified guy pleading with his on creepy looking image in a mirror and then spurting blood. I’m in love already.

Fast forward a bit and Sutherland’s Ben Carson is starting a new job. He’s becoming a security guard at an upscale department store that’s been crispy fried. The wise older guard takes him on a tour of the place and Carson notices that the mirrors are super shiny. Old guard tells him that the last guy who worked there had kept them that way.

At first his patrolling seems to be going fairly normally but this is a horror flick so some craziness starts happening. Carson begins to see things in the mirrors. Handprints, himself on fire, crispy ladies wailing in dressing rooms, the kind of stuff that one expects to see in a burnt department store…. in a horror movie. I have to note that these scenes are done fairly well. You know the jump is coming but you’re made to wait just long enough for it to get under your skin. Moving along Carson gets a package from the previous guard (the throat cutting, mirror cleaning guy), Gary Lewis, it’s chock full of clippings about the fire, the guy who did it, and most importantly, a note that says Esseker. After checking out Lewis’ body Carson becomes convinced that the mirrors are making people do things. Like off themselves. In really fucked up ways. Which is exactly what happens to his sister who dies in the bathtub after ripping the bottom half of her jaw off. In glorious bloody detail. Although I would have loved to see more of Amy Smart I couldn’t discredit this death scene. That was some good, gory shit. The flick continues to get all twisty and turny with Carson’s family coming under attack (you always gotta put some kids in peril. You want a decent horror flick, you put some kids in deadly/near death situations). Further twisting and turning turns up some demon possession and a nun. And a nun possessed by a demon! Good times, I tell you, good times. And then with one last little twist the you find yourself at the ending thinking “oh, that’s just fucked up”.

Given my known issues with mirrors I don’t know if I’m objective about this movie’s scare factor. I mean I was opening the medicine cabinet so I didn’t glance at the mirror accidentally while I brushed my teeth. Other people may not get quite the case of the creeps that I did due solely to the fair amount of cheese that comes about with a possessed nun. Me though, I’m rating this one pretty highly.

Just What I Thought It Would Be

2010-03-19T10:39:00.000-05:00

I’d like to say thanks for being just as cheesy and gratuitously boob shot filled as expected, Sorority Row

Yet another remake. Hollywood is completely out of ideas.

Starting this movie the boy commented about how it was familiar. I said that it probably reminded him of I Know What You Did Last Summer. He agreed and added it was exactly like that one. I argued that it was only similar. I was right.

A car full of sorority sisters play a really fucked up prank on a boyfriend/ex boyfriend and one of them takes a tire iron (ouch!) to the chest. They then decide to dispose of the body instead of telling the cops (every time horror movie characters do this. No one ever learns). Some months down the road the sisters and everyone involved/everyone they blabbed to begin to get offed. Plenty of glossy blood and cringe worth slicing with a brand new tricked out tire iron. Points for ingenuity there (but seriously when will someone decide that a battery powered nail gun is their weapon of choice? I’m all about death by nail gun. I swear it’s one of the most underused methods of murder). Big reveal/plot twist ending. Nice by the book slasher film.

I appreciated the dedication to showing the goods. Both the blood and the tits were well represented. Also, I loved loved loved Leah Pipes’ Jessica. She was the biggest raging bitch! So much fun to watch. I was rather upset that she was killed off.

If you’re looking for some hot chick action and a decent amount of gore this may hit the spot for you.

Remade

2010-03-10T10:24:00.000-06:00

I go into remakes with very low expectations. In fact before watching remakes I usually tell the boy and Shady not to get their hopes up because this is going to suck. I especially expect a suck fest when it’s rated PG-13. Oddly, The Stepfather

didn’t suck that bad.

The evil stepdad guy goes from family to family playing the daddy role and killing them when the disappoint them. (Thank god my parents never got this idea in their heads.) First glance at this guy shows him with his last family where he has successfully killed the shit out of everyone. The new family he finds includes Michael, the prodigal son that was away at military school while he began easing his way in and is now back for vacation. Dad starts killing off people who might be getting wise to him. Eventually the movie culminates with an epic(ish) battle in which dad and Michael both fall off the roof. Michael awakes from his coma some months later only to find that they never caught the guy. Gasp! Shock! How do these killers always get away and open the door for a sequel.

Again I say this didn’t suck that bad. The violence was commendable for the rating even though there was very little actual blood. It’s a cheap throw away movie. You spend you hour and a half or so and you forget it. Very little stays with you.

One thing that did stick was the urge to kick Penn Badgley in the teeth. I freely admit I watch the show Gossip Girl. I love the show, hate Penn Badgley. Seriously. I know he can only give the lines and take the cues from the script but how many times is this guy going to play a huge pussy? I went into to film hoping that he would turn it all around and play a bad ass. Nope. This kid was away a military school and still comes back acting like a whiney little brat? For fuck’s sake, Badgley, can you pick just one character with some balls?

Also, Amber Heard, that’s two now. If you’re going to continue to be in horror flicks I’m going to have to demand you take off your top. We have rules, you know.

The Anatomy of Fear and My Love for the Mighty Ducks

2010-02-18T11:25:00.000-06:00

Fear is personal. Hence a variety of “types” of horror movies. You have slasher flicks, monster flicks, and the kind that gets me, the haunting flick. My buddy Shady says the ones that get him are the slasher flicks; they make him wonder who may be watching him and planning how to off him. Me, I don’t worry about that. If guy in a mask is waiting behind my bathroom door to grab me I figure I can give him a struggle and hit him with all the crap that’s lying on the counter. He may get me in the end, but damnit, he’s gonna limp away. But then the idea of something supernatural creeping up behind me, something I can’t clock in the mouth with a bottle of perfume, gives me the heebs.

Hence the surprise when watching Shutter

I admit I bought Shutter because of the Mighty Ducks. More specifically my long standing relationship with Joshua Jackson that started with the Mighty Ducks. I was probably about 12. Of course I mooned over most of the cast of cuties but Joshua Jackson was the stand out. Adorable little Charlie. Sigh. To this day I still can’t kick those movies. Any time I happen on one I can pretty much guarantee I’ll sit and watch, completely engrossed. (Sweet Jesus, why am I admitting that to the internets?)

So there I was in the movie store seeing nothing that screamed “WATCH ME”. I saw Shutter and said to the boy “Aw, I love Joshua Jackson. Such a damn shame he never gets good roles.” The boy, of course, ignored me. So I proceeded to tell him I was buying it; that actually provoked the response of “And I’m not watching it with you.” Fast forward to movie night. I warned Shady that this was going to be bad. Asian inspired and lame. We were prepared to be underwhelmed. I also planned to try and refrain from yelling things like “flying V!” and “ducks fly together!” at the TV.

But there was no need!

My jeers were completely unnecessary as I found myself wholly engrossed in the flick.

I remembered from the previews that Jackson’s character, photographer Ben, was a bad guy (hey, people who make trailers, could you please stop giving away the whole movie? K, thanks). So immediately when Ben and new wife Jane mow down the creepy Asian lady on the deserted back road I decided that she was already dead and he killed her. This theory was given weight as the police found no body post wreck and the photographs that Ben takes all come out laden with odd images. My inner critic sighed. But then things got a little thicker.

The movie progresses and Jane is informed that the odd images are of a supernatural nature, also we’re introduced to Ben’s sleazy friends and knowledge of foreshadowing tells us that they played some part in this debacle.

While this movie is lacking in violence and gore there are plenty of scenes that make the skin crawl. There are the overt scenes where our ghost stalks Ben in the flicker of camera lights and there are less obvious scenes like when Jane goes to meet a writer at a magazine specializing in supernatural photographs. At the magazine office there’s a room where the walls are covered with “real” pictures (verses the ones they fake for their readership. Ah, truth in journalism). The overwhelmingly eerie vibe of the room and Jane’s cautious exploration makes the viewer prepare for a jump scene. But there’s none. Just a lingering shot of the room through the open door. Most effective.

The film carried on at a decent pace. The sleazy friends are dispatched in a mildly violent manner and Ben finally admits that he had dated miss ghosty (Megumi) and had broken it off when she got too clingy. This led to her suicide. Jane discovers that the Megumi, in apparition form, had been with them all the while via an appearance in their wedding photos. The couple then finds Megumi’s body and give her a proper burial hoping this will end things. It kinda does.

After all this business the couple decided to head home to New York. At their apartment, with help from more Megumi photo ops, Jane discovers the whole truth hidden in Ben’s old camera. Ben allowed his buds to rape Megumi while he did nothing to help (even snapped some pics. Sick fucker). Jane bounces. But the big reveal goes on.

Ben has a phenomenal melt down snapping away with his Polaroid trying to find Megumi, only to find that she’s on his freaking shoulders! Cringe and skin crawl. So he tries to get rid of her. With electricity!

The final shot finds Ben in a pysch ward. And then it cuts to the reflection in the glass inlay of the door. She’s still there! Ack!

Of course this movie got panned by critics and most people who saw it. It’s a remake and it wasn’t nearly as good, it’s brainless Hollywood drivel, yadda yadda.

I guess I’m stupid. Because even though it’s brainless and without a touch of originality (general consensus), I appreciated it. In fact I found myself turning on lights and avoiding looking at pictures afterward. Even wondering briefly about the boy’s ex ladies. In short, its lingering effect kind of scared me. And isn’t that the only thing a horror flick is supposed to do? Linger and give you the creeps?

A Pun About Not Watching Should Go Here

2010-02-07T19:26:00.001-06:00

I like a good psycho thriller. Sometimes a little suspense and cop drama is just what I'm looking for. The Watcher

would not fall into this category.

First, let me admit, I have a bias about Keanu Reeves. I think the man is possibly one of the worst actors ever (seriously this isn't much of a stretch). But the man looks so fucking cool. I'm not kidding around here. What he lacks in actual acting ability, he makes up in ability to look cool. No one else could have played Neo. Only Keanu looks that cool.

Regardless, the boy said that The Watcher would be worth watching. I was biting at first. My hat is off to James Spader; he had that broody cop thing down. The plot was pretty easy to get behind. Psycho is stalking cop and sending him pictures of the ladies he intends to kill. Cop has x amount of time to find the lady before psycho gets all gung-ho with the piano wire. Ah, piano wire, your messy and effective way of getting the job done is so underused. So I'm all there, enthralled and rooting for the cops to catch Mr. Psycho. And they get close! Cue chase scene. Crash! Boom! The psycho runs over a gas pump with cops behind him in hot pursuit..... and that's where this one drew my ire.

Again and again I've cited my ability to suspend disbelief when called for. A movie gives you a set of ideas to work with and you accept it (dead things come back, black magic exists, etc). Fine. But when you've been working with the premise that all the things in a given movie could really happen and then you suddenly throw some bullshit at me, well I take that as an invite to yell profanities at the TV. (The boy hates it when that happens.) The problem here? Post gas pump knock down our perp's car is covered in gas. He reaches out his lighter and lights the hood of his car on fire. The fire races to the pumps and the cop cars and everything blows. Except his car. What. The. Fuck.

I don't think the most inventive/sick/groundbreaking ending could have pulled me back in after that. The ending wasn't bad really, but I was just done.

When choosing between watching The Watcher again or slamming my finger in the door repeatedly, I'd choose The Watcher but just barely.

Future Vamps

2010-01-19T16:08:00.002-06:00

Ah, Ethan Hawke, you stole my heart years ago when you were the poster boy for 90’s and Uma arm candy. Bang up performances in Training Day and Assault on Precinct 13th kept my love alive. I expected good things from you in Daybreakers.

However, in post-movie glow reflection, I have to admit the boy was right. You were kind of a whiny bitch in this one. Except for the whole bursting into flames multiple times thing. That was pretty sweet.

Other than having to agree on Hawke’s bitchness, my boy and I had drastically different opinions on this flick. He did not feel it. At all. I, on the other hand thought it was pretty decent.

First Daybreakers is a breather from this whole vampires are sooooo sexy vibe that’s been predominate for so long. (I’m not jumping on the blame Twilight bandwagon. Twilight didn’t start it people. Blame Interview with the Vampire. Brad Pitt waltzing around in the French Quarter is NOT scary. Hell, I say blame it all on Anne Rice, Lestat was a rock star not a horrifying blood sucker.) While I admit I do dig the occasional hot vampire, in general I prefer my vampires to be rather gruesome and deformed or at least evil and creepy. This film had both. The blood deprived vampires that are hanging out under the city are cringe worthy and Sam Neill’s bad guy Bromley reminds me both of smooth talking Billy Zane in Demon Knight and Jack Nicholson’s Joker, successfully filling the creepy vampire quota.

The futuristic, stark look of the film was a great contrast for the blood bath at the end of the building momentum. Throughout the film the blood shortage sets the stage for a fantastic blowup. Human’s are want to rob, riot, and kill if their basic rights, having enough food for example, are threatened so the viewer knew they were being set up for a vampire flip out. Especially note worthy was the sacrifice of the under dwellers and the mobbing of the “coffee” shop.

Also worth noting was Willem Dafoe. Every time I see this guy I get excited, I know I’m in for something interesting. (The Boondock Saints would have only been half awesome without him.) Unlike Hawke he did not disappoint. “Living in a world where vampires are the dominate species is about as safe as bare backing a 5 dollar whore.” How can you not love a line like that?

I’d say wait for rental on this one but worth watching.

It's Part 4, Damn it.

2010-01-09T09:11:00.001-06:00

Lesson learned from The Final Destination in 3-D

3-D at home, not so impressive. Other than that, there’s not a whole lot to say about this one. I’ve already established upon seeing the trailer, it’s actually Final Destination 4 and like most franchises the surprises are few and far between at this point. This one has the same plot as the first three (a disastrous event is foreseen by a teenager and said teen and his/her friends spend the rest of the movie trying to avoid death who has apparently marked them) but the disaster got a makeover. This time we’re treated to an Indy race wreck. I won’t lie, that sick side of me is always down to see something like this go horribly wrong.

So premonition had, disaster averted (for some), and then the real mayhem begins. A broad gets her head taken off by a flying tire, a flaming (literally on fire!) racist gets dragged down a street, a guy gets his insides sucked out via pool drain (reminded me of Chuck Palahniuk’s Haunted), and near the end a whole new premonition! Fun! Honestly the second premonition was a reach but I must admit I was delighted by the oh so graphic depiction of the escalator eating the female lead. Immediately I look at the boy and shout “that kid is back on the escalator again!”

A couple of other high point were the friendly security guard being mowed down by an ambulance midsentence (the irony of being run down by an ambulance never fails to send me in to hysteric laughter. The boy admonished me that it’s not funny and I’m fairly certain he asked what’s wrong with me. Would think he would realize how cracked I am by now) and watching our male lead desperately try to put out a fire while being stapled to a wall.

Fairly typical, not ground breaking or truly disturbing but worth parking my ass on the couch for 82 minutes.

Juno, But with Blood

2010-01-02T08:34:00.003-06:00

I was excited when I first heard about Jennifer’s Body

I’m always down to see a girl doing some slaying. Of course the boy was on board due to the presence of Megan Fox. Yet, somehow we missed it in theater. So the boy picked it up since we’re getting low on back episodes of SVU to watch.

Before I get to why I didn’t like Jennifer’s Body, let me tell you why I liked Juno (the same writer did both films). Juno’s main character faced a scary, traumatic ordeal and handled it with very little drama and a flip mouth. Her fun dialect opened up the door to her world. It was refreshing and optimistic.

On the surface it had everything it needed to be a great cheesy horror flick; paper thin plot, hot chicks, and a healthy dose of gore. (I must admit the fantasticness of watching emo boy get shredded.) The boy was astonished when I declared I wasn’t impressed immediately after watching. I literally took a night to sleep on it and figure out why I didn’t like this flick. Refreshing and optimistic dialect just doesn’t work in a horror flick. Having your lead character handle the possession of her best friend and her subsequently eating local boys (your main squeeze included) with little drama and flip mouth just doesn’t do the situation justice. Characters in horror flicks are supposed to flip out. Their supposed to be terrified. If the folks running around on screen aren’t scared how the hell are the viewer supposed to be?

Miss Fox’s acting was mediocre at best and Amanda Seyfried was only a touch better (I was expecting much better from her). However, Adam Brody was a surprise. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t put a lot of stock in these CW pretty boys. I think most of them are hired for their ability to stir the loins of teenage girls than their ability to act. Brody did really well with his sleazy bad guy role. He reminded me of Al Pacino in The Devil’s Advocate. Sleazycreepy, you could call it.

I wouldn’t waste my time on this one unless you just need a Megan Fox in skimpy clothing fix.

Christmas Cookies

2009-12-25T09:49:00.000-06:00

What better way to be festive around the holidays then to watch holiday movies. After they boy and I opened our presents and stuffed our bellies with Christmas morning pancakes, we popped Black Christmas

in to continue our merriment.

Yet another cheesy, blood gushy film that I adore that got panned by the critics. Apparently the original has a cult following (I haven’t seen it, but after reading about it, I plan to). I think this kind of idolatry makes it hard for people to look at a remake without reservation (I should know, like I’ve said before there’s NO WAY I’m watching the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street. NOBODY is Freddy but Robert Englund. It’s just that simple to me). I have to wonder if the newer Black Christmas didn’t suffer from some of this.

We’re treated to the story of Billy Lenz via 1970s flash backs. It’s a nasty holiday tale of an abusive wack-job mom who killed Billy’s dad and kept him locked in the attic. Billy grows into a big boy who mom molests (sadly no one there to get SVU on the phone). Mom ends up pregnant with Billy’s daughter. A little while down the road Billy finally flips his shit on Christmas. He yanks out the eye of daughter-sister Agnes, kills mom’s boyfriend, and finally kills mom (making Christmas cookies out of the skin from her back). The cops make it over and Billy lands in the criminally insane house. Agnes, who managed to survive, is sent off to an orphanage.

Fast forward to present day. Billy’s old house is now a sorority house filled with typical sorority types. Unbeknown to them there’s someone in the house with them that’s slowly offing the sisters. Also unbeknown to the sisters Billy has made a jail break! (I loved the sleazy Santa getting offed at the asylum. There are only so many cheesy come-on lines I can hear before I start rooting for someone to get hacked up.)

The movie plays out in typical slasher fashion. Getting calls from “inside the house” (to keep up with technology, calls come from sister cell phones), sisters getting separated one by one (one in bed too drunk, one out to check the break box, etc), and the presence of the suspicious boyfriend. With a twist thrown in for good measure (Agnes! Shock!*).

The action doesn’t let up until the end (how fucked up is it that you can’t even get away from psychos at the hospital. Pushy bastards) and there’s plenty of blood/violence. After watching the boy kept humming Christmas tunes and I couldn’t help but make stabbing motions with my candy cane.

Merry Christmas!

*Please note the use of sarcasm.

Here We Go Again

2009-11-15T08:46:00.001-06:00

I’d like to assert that the best part of Saw VI

came roughly fifteen minutes after the start. Simone chops off her arm to get out of her Jigsaw trap and lands herself in the hospital. When asked if she learned anything she proceeds to yell that she did not learn anything and demands that her brand new arm nub be considered. She does this while pointing with said nub. Now you can say that I have a sick sense of humor (and you wouldn’t be wrong) but I laughed my ass off. And I was in good company as Shady was also giggling (I sometimes think I’m a bad influence on him, he’s really a nice guy). Just something about an accusing nub tickles my funny bone.

And that was about it for me.

I’ve sat through the past few Saw movies hoping but not really expecting anything. I sometimes feel like a half-ass believer at church. Sure I want something good but I’m really only going out of habit.

Everyone is aware of the groundbreaking, shocking, goodness of the original Saw movie. When Tobin Bell slams the door shut at the end and pronounces “GAME OVER” I was gasping “holy fuck he was alive the whole time!” right along with everyone else. The following sequels had no real way to match that one gut shot of a moment. Instead, viewers were giving every kind of torture device imaginable and a ton of blood. And that was ok for a sequel or two. But now were on number six and its worn waaaay too thin. Even the traps themselves seem like repeats. With the exception of the (not so) merry-go-round, I wasn’t even impressed with the ingenuity there.

Also along the ride, I got behind Jigsaw. Admittedly, I have issues, but I saw the logic in his appreciate life of I’ll off you method. Fine, teach people a bloody gruesome lesson. But Hoffman, on the other hand, is a douche bag. He’s an arrogant, annoying, and worst of all typical, psycho. He’s getting off on offing people just like so many other psycho thriller villains. The biggest disappointment was that his head wasn’t demolished by the reverse bear-trap.

The worst part about this series is that I will continue to watch them. Sigh. Shady and I are beginning to think that we’ll be meeting at the theater right around Halloween for the next ten years for these damn things. If nothing else just to see how much worse it can get.

Teen Slash and Hack... but Not

2009-11-12T10:42:00.001-06:00

I don’t remember where/when I first caught wind of All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

but I do know that I stalked it for a long while before I finally got my hands on it (release issues, kinda like Trick R’ Treat). I also remember the first time I watched it. Shady and I had wasted time that evening with a disappointment about a motel (seriously I have no idea what it was, but it went NO where in the 30 mins we put in) and were about to call it a night. I remembered Mandy Lane and twisted his arm a bit to hang around and check it out with me. We were absolutely delighted. Biting violence and a delicious twist. I considered writing about it then, but I never got around to it.

Fast forward a few months. I got to thinking about Mandy Lane again. Wondering if it had really been as good as I thought or if I had just been impressed with its newness (I’m like a little kid sometimes, I love a movie the first time and then after a couple more viewings I get bored and start seeing the faults). So all by my lonesome and bored, I gave it another go. I found myself delighted again.

The overall look of the movie was entrancing and somewhat dreamy. The flick a feel of being both clean/studio and gritty/indie at the same time. This backdrop provided the best contrast to the violence. When the jock we assume is going to be one of the lead characters leaps off his rooftop into the pool, thus filling it with blood, I was left feeling uncomfortable. When watching horror films you beginning by suspending disbelief, i.e.: ok I take that burnt to a crisp kid killer existing with a grain of salt now how do you stop him? Or, ok I take that a person can be so evil that it seems that nothing can kill him so how do you keep his little sister safe? When a horror movie tosses that need for suspension of disbelief (like Mandy Lane does with the jock’s roof dive) it makes the horror feel all too real. 20 mins in, at most, and I’m out of my comfort zone.

Mandy Lane does mimic some of the classic slasher flicks, the lovely cast of teens isolate themselves out at a farm house with the intentions of partaking in illegal substances and knocking some boots. On the other hand the identity of our killer is handed to us soon after the carnage begins. Again, this throws the viewer off balance. No big reveal of who and why at the end? No barely plausible reason for the carnage? Nope, just a killer, who after seeing years of high school shootings in the news, no one is surprised by. Again, it’s just too believable making the viewing slightly unpleasant but still absorbing.

And the carnage…. oh wow. We have the “shove something that has no business being there down a throat” scene. That never gets old to me. There’s also a very cringe worthy knife to the eyes (both times this scene lead me to yell “oh, fucking ow!”). And most viciously, our guy is running around with a gun. Most horror titans stick with some sort of stabbing instrument (butcher knife, machete, glove with attached razors) and there’s a reason for that. It’s personal. It gives the killer a personality. The gun on the other hand is cold and impersonal. To me, more scary somehow.

Honestly, I can only think of one place where Mandy Lane went wrong. Two scantily dressed hot blondes, both a little under the influence. Deep stares, kind words….. and NO MAKING OUT! Seriously? Robbed! We were robbed!

(And as an aside, I NEED a copy of the cover of Sister Golden Hair. I search and search but no dice.)

Lack of girl on girl action aside, All the Boys Love Mandy Lane is brilliant. Worth putting in the effort to find.

Hey, You're Crazy Bitch

2009-11-05T09:14:00.005-06:00

I was an emotional teenager. I’m sure my parents debating killing me the majority of the time. I wore a lot of black, I listened to angry music, and I loved the movie The Craft.

The boy and I decided to watch this the other day when we were looking for something light (most stuff is light compared to my recent obsession with Law and Order: SVU. For my time, there’s nothing better than watching Stabler or Fin push around someone who has gotten handsy with a little one). I seriously adored this movie when I was a kid. I wasn’t exactly what you would call popular (in other words, I was a loser) so I really dug the revenge theme.

Although I still think the plot is pretty decent, the boy and I both had to marvel at how incredibly bad the graphics were. Granted we are watching this through eyes that have witnessed all the remake gloss of recent horror flicks, but this was pretty damn bad. The Craft was done in 1996, same year as Independence Day. While the year is comparable, the graphics just aren’t.

On the plus side, Fairuza Balk puts in a great performance. Watching her flip on Skeet Ulrich’s character delights me as much now as it did when I was a surly teenager. Balk’s Nancy is driven completely mad by power and the performance is totally believable. Another plus is Neve Campbell’s curves. That lady had some early Jennifer Lopez style business going on. (But then the same year in Scream those banging curves are nowhere to be found. Where did those ass and titties go? Just another Hollywood casualty I suppose. Sad.) Lastly, for creepy effect the full on bug scenes are pretty top notch. Probably the best effects in the flick and man did they make my skin crawl (both then and now). I spent most of those scenes staring at the couch. There are plenty of creepy crawly creatures I can handle; spiders, snakes, and rats don’t really bother me but one little roach and I’m out with a quickness. Yuck!

The Craft is a nice little blast from the past for me. If you’ve never seen it, I suggest it as long as you don’t expect too much.

I Fail.

2009-10-24T12:41:00.003-05:00

I shouldn’t write this review. It’s not really fair to write reviews about movies that you haven’t finished, but Crank: High Voltage

lost me.

I loved the first one. After watching Crank I thought Jason Statham was the coolest guy EVER; in fact I was pretty sure he used up also most all of the cool that is allotted for balding British guys. Crank had snappy humor, tons of action, and a healthy dose of nudity. Fantastic, a great action flick that isn’t crash, boom, Bay. So of course I was looking forward to part 2.

I’m not going to complain about how much suspension of disbelief is necessary to buy into the plot (the mostly dead body of Chev Chelios is scooped up by some more angry gangsters. They snatch his heart and give him a fake one, leaving him alive so their boss can have the joy of seeing him killed. This, of course, leads Chelios to chase folks all over the city). I’m a horror fan; I can get on board for some really far-fetched shit. My problems with this one lay elsewhere.

From the beginning things were just too shaky and confusing. Like everyone involved in the filming was on a drastic combination of coke and ecstasy. I’m also not a big fan of a first person style camera shot (don’t know the technical term for this, think first person shooter video games), which was used frequently. Honestly though, I think I could have lived with that.

What finally made me throw in the towel was the porn vibe. I like a good set of titties as much as the next person, but that much naked is just trying to compensate for something. After watching Amy Smart (love love love her) get felt up by a fellow stripper in the back of a cop car for no reason I could fathom I finally gave it up and started in on the laundry. If I want to watch chicks getting up on each other I’ve got quite the collection on the bedroom shelf, I don’t find that it’s necessary to my action flicks.

The boy finished it and told me I didn’t miss much. I’ll probably try to get through it again (if nothing else just because I hope Bai Ling's character gets the crap kicked out of her again. She was so fucking annoying), but for the time being I’ll suffice to say I wasn’t impressed. (This does not, however, diminish my love for Jason Statham. Just thought I’d throw that out there.)

Just in Time for Halloween

2009-10-19T09:56:00.001-05:00

I admit it; I dig torture porn (Saw, Hostel, etc). I like seeing all the blood a human body can lose and still manage to crawl around (on screen of course. I haven’t lost it and started hacking people up yet.). While this type (subgenre?) of flick isn’t too mentally stimulating, I just can’t seem to look away. In fact I will see the new Saw (what’s this one, number 20? 40?) and watched the last one this weekend in preparation (with all those twists and turns I find it hard to keep all the sequels straight in my mind). However, the good old fashioned creepy story movie holds its own warm spot in my heart. I like the kind of movie that lingers after you turn off the lights. That’s what Trick ‘r Treat was.

For once I’m not the only cheerleader for a flick. It rated five out of five bloody knives over at Dread Central, the folks at Brutal as Hell called it “delight from start to finish that anyone can enjoy”, and even the tomatometer at Rotten Tomatoes is at 100% (this is as of today of course). Personally I’ve been waiting on this movie nearly two years. The movie was making rounds at horror festivals and was put on the backburner by Warner Brothers (shame on you, Warner Brothers). I am pleased to say that my patience was rewarded.

Trick ‘r Treat is a collection of four tales about, what else, Halloween. It moves through the stories of psychotic principles, pretty werewolves, a short bus massacre, and a creepy little guy named Sam with delightful quickness and ease. Some “story collection” movies rely on one or two good stories to carry the whole movie, leaving slow spots but Trick ‘r Treat managed to avoid this.

This flick doesn’t rely on jump scares, but more on urban legend type stories that embed themselves in your mind. Granted you know that dead kids don’t come creeping out of rock quarries after they’ve been dead for years and years but after the lights go out it may become harder to convince yourself. This film is also different from typical horror flicks in that it works the kid angle. While films like Nightmare on Elm Street allude to the murder of children, there’s not much in the way of kiddie killing being done on screen. Trick ‘r Treat is a true “no one is safe” film as you find out in the first story. While it is mostly predictable (there’s only so many places you can good with a scary story), there was at least one surprise for me (good job ladies! Especially you, Anna Paquin. But, honey, can we please do something with that gap. And maybe take the brows down just a notch. You’re not doing yourself justice!) and that was just enough.

I’m keeping this one short because there’s not a lot to say about this one that hasn’t already been said. I loved it. I recommend EVERYONE getting their hands on it. I also recommend not taking any chances and giving out candy and leaving your pumpkins lit all night on Halloween, I know damn well I am.

Huh

2009-10-16T09:58:00.002-05:00

At first I found myself pretty enamored with Drag Me to Hell

Cutie Allison Lohman, who plays the leading lady Christine, makes the mistake of shaming an old gypsy lady (a very unnerving gypsy lady, might I add. Seriously if someone took their teeth out and laid them on my desk there’s no chance of me being calm and collected about it) by denying her a loan after the old lady has begged her to reconsider. After a very grotesque fight scene between our two girls (I should have realized things were going to get kinda wacky based solely on this scene. How many movies have a crazed old lady trying to bite gum the jaw off of a cute young girl?), the crazy old gypsy curses Christine.

This was where things got a bit crazy. It was typical Sam Raimi (director). While it was a fantastic jump fest (both the boy and the cat saddled me with some dirty looks, demanding that I be still), there was also confusion, disarray, furniture flying, and kitten butchering (was NO WAY I was watching that business. Hid my eyes until it was over). I was back and forth between being deliciously scared and exchanging WTF looks with the boy. The height of the “huh” came when the badass demon stalking our heroine upchucked her murdered kitten. It did, however, have a fabulous ending that I was glad we weren’t cheated out of (hate it when a horror flick cheats you out of the appropriate fucked up ending and hands you a buttoned up and beautiful happy ending).

While I can’t call it a bad movie, I can’t really say it was a good on either. It was very Raimi Evil Dead. Even though I know I could be lynched by the whole of the horror community for saying this, I’m not an Evil Dead fan (*looks behind me to make sure no one with an I Heart Ash shirt is there looking menacing*). And Evil Dead (with a splash of House of 1000 Corpses) is what this flick reminded me of. I do understand that fear and humor go hand in hand and that’s where these films come from, but I guess that’s just not my bag. It just leaves me shruggy.

Next up: Trick R’ Treat. Woot!

Mmm, Dessert

2009-09-28T09:31:00.001-05:00

I'll try not to gush too much, but my love for Red Velvet

goes far beyond my usual cheerleadering. There really is so much to love about this movie.

I'll start with the stellar performance from Henry Thomas. Although not the typical leading man, Thomas is far more enticing than most any of today's "hot" actors. His portrayal of the scary, yet still alluring Aaron is entirely believable. Aaron is the tormented writer, one part intellectual, one part guy who you find living alone in the woods. Aaron meets Linda, (played by Kelli Garner who does a bang-up job and is just too adorable for words. Have actually liked her since Bully.) his noisy neighbor, at the laundry mat. Even though it’s clear that she finds his brusque manner off putting, she’s still drawn to him. Finding herself on an impromptu lunch date, listening to him tell her a story. There’s just no way one of the CW pretty boys could have pulled this role off. Don’t get me wrong there’s always a place for the pretty boys but to pull off a character with this much depth and intrigue, Thomas was the only answer.

The look of the movie is another high spot for me. This isn’t Platinum Dunes gloss. The screen is filled with saturated color, almost dizzying enough to make your eyes ache. (I think this may have something to do with the way the film was shot. It was done in 35mm. I know very little very little about how filming actually works but in all the poking around I’ve done, everything seems to point to that.) While a lot of the scenes are almost comical, (which I think went a long way toward keeping the boy interested. Good tactic to reach the non-horror obsessed.) like the beheading of the server at the restaurant, there’s still an unnerving, underlying vibe. Everything is just too bright, too vivid, like a bad dream.

And of course I have three cheers for the blood/gore. THEY USE AN ALLIGATOR! Are you shitting me? You can’t beat that! The blood spurted with 1980’s slasher abandon. This elicited applause from me as mass amounts of gushing blood is known to do. Also quite memorable was hearing “Is the radio in his head?” from the boy.

Balls, I'm gushing aren't I?

I guess I just can't help myself. See for yourself. Snag it now! (Also take a look around the official site for cool downloads and pics.)

Knock Knock (or My God, That's a Bad Movie)

2009-09-11T15:41:00.002-05:00

I tend to be somewhat of a horror movie cheerleader. Even really bad movies I take pretty lightheartedly (ah the mockery that was Backwoods) but every now and then we run across one that even I can’t find a soft spot for.

Knock Knock was one of those. In defense of the purchase of this piece of waste, we were mislead. It was one of those movies that look really awesome on the cover. And the write up on the back didn’t sound half bad. The boy brought it home and while it didn’t look interesting enough for us to watch immediately, we did finally get around to it.

I’m not even sure where I should start with the bagging on this one. Stock plot, stock characters, stock boogeyman, and the most fantastically bad acting I’ve seen outside of porn. (Actually I’m wondering if a couple of the female characters haven’t wondered down that road.) The story is that someone is knocking on the doors of teenagers and killing them when they open up. At least that’s the story at first. The story then morphs into teenagers getting killed in places that have something to do with their father. Then a little later on, teenagers getting killed in ways that have something to do with their father. Confused yet? Bad thing is even though the movie went through all these different plots, they were all stock. Every last plot device was something (horror) fans have seen a million times.

Of course to round out the plot that’s been done a million times, we had to have the overdone characters as well. The slut, the jock, the alterna-skateboard kid, the creepy/mentally handicap janitor, the old cop who is trying to reconnect with his family, and the oh so sweet heroine with the traumatic family life. Yawn. Add to this zero character development. Really, it was more like here’s your characters; we realize that dialogue and definition are not our strong points so we’ll just kill them off immediately.

On to the bad guy (more like the ridiculous guy). Let’s take Freddy Kruger and Jason and smash them together. Then let’s rob them of any personality or real creativity they have. Those two quick steps will get you Rico (and really how are you going to strike fear in the heart of anyone with a name like that? I personally can’t hear the name Rico without tacking Suave on the end of it. Heh, not only is he a killer, he’s a Latin lover). Rico’s father ran a funeral parlor. Some mean boys played a prank that went wrong and Rico ended up being partially toasted; now he’s back, gasp, with a mask! Way to not be innovative!

The only way this assload of bad writing could have sparkled on the screen was through really good acting. I like to think that a really good actor could make most things shine. Instead Knock Knock chose to go the other way entirely and find some extraordinarily bad actors/actresses. For example the lead crying over her dead grandfather did not make me feel pity for her, it only made me wish that Rico would have gotten her instead. The only believable character was the slut. She looked slutty and she sounded slutty. Mission accomplished.

My recommendation on this one: if you have the choice of watching Knock Knock or poking yourself in the eye for an hour and a half, I’d go with the poking.

Ah, the Disappointment

2009-08-31T15:36:00.002-05:00

I admit it I was hella hyped for Halloween II. Seriously, part one was on point (see my gushing here). Sadly, as much as I wanted to like the sequel, it was pretty hard.

On the bright side, it was brutal. It’s absolutely delightful to see someone get their head stomped in, (and this is why so many people think I need therapy) I think the horror genre needs more head stomping. There was no lag, no story build up they just got right to the killin’. Also, Scout Taylor-Compton, she is 100% awesomeness. Granted no one is going to give her an Oscar for a horror flick but that performance was mind-blowing. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen someone commit to a character like that.

With great disappointment I have to admit it, the bad outweighed the good. The first thing, the boy pointed this out, was the grunting from Michael. Now, to me, it made each kill seem that much more brutal but the boy’s issue rang true: the silent Michael was creepier. His silent dismembering and butchering gave a supernatural feel to the carnage. The loss of this took the flick in more of a torture porn direction.

My second gripe was the loss of Daeg Faerch. Honestly, I feel sorry for Chase Vanek. Faerch was AMAZING in Halloween. His portrayal of young Michael got under your skin. That scene with the bully left you shaken. You could see the evil in his eyes. Vanek’s performance fell flat. The kid just looked too damn happy and cute. (Which if you see Faerch in person he’s not creepy at all. He’s an adorable, sweet looking little boy who throws up the peace sign in pics. This only makes me admire the talent displayed in his Halloween performance even more.)

The biggest let down was the direction Zombie took with the addition of the ghostly scenes from Michael/Laurie’s minds. I saw where he was going, I was at the train station, I had my ticket, but I just didn’t get there. It was an interesting supernatural turn and I think it was meant to illustrate the damage being done to poor Laurie’s mind. But it, like Vanek’s performance, just fell flat. There was something missing that rendered it unbelievable. I think it was lacking just a touch of grit that the rest of the movie had in abundance.

The Laurie dream sequences illustrated Zombie’s knack for pointing out how scary confusion is (like in House of 1000 Corpses, which was painfully horrible) and while it is a million times better than House, he’s still not there yet. Again, there’s a degree of grit lacking that makes it seem too fake (again better suited for torture porn).

In the end I didn’t walk out of the theater angry (and when I sit through a completely ridiculous movie, believe me, I walk out pissed). I wanted to like it but after marinating on it overnight all it really merits from me was “ahh” complete with non-committed should shrug.

And despite all of this I have not lost faith in Rob Zombie. *THIS* looks like a hell of a good time.

Hack and Slash Weekend

2009-08-03T15:35:00.000-05:00

Friday night I got in the mood to watch something cheesy and Cheerleader Camp had been lying around for a while.

It was quintessential cheap 80’s slasher horror. Within the first ten minutes we were treated to two nice natural looking sets of tits and one fat guy in drag. The plot was paper thin and both the effects and the acting were phenomenally bad. In other words, perfect cheap/cheesy horror. A van full of cheerleaders (with exceptionally large hair, I mean this was the 80’s) heads out to a camp in the woods. Our main character is pretty, popular, and plagued with horrifying dreams. These dreams get progressively worse as camp goes on and people start to die. Is she killing people in her sleep? Is the creepy cook or equally creepy grounds man killing people? Or is it the boyfriend? Or the roommate? I’m not telling but the boy and I placed out bets about halfway through and we were right, wasn’t too hard to figure out. Also noteworthy was the vehicle for warning the audience of impending death…. a full screen of red! No, not blood splashed up obscuring everything, just a red screen. 100 percent awesome. Defiantly worth watching to fill up a boring night (but only if you appreciate the cheese).

Then much to my delight, Saturday morning as I was sitting on the couch, the boy came out and presented me with a list of movie times and the address to a Chinese restaurant. The restaurant was a bust, but the movie we decided on was not. In fact it was one of the most shockingly violent movies I’ve seen in a nice long while.

The Collector is one that hasn’t seemed to get a lot of press. No huge names, just a trailer here and there (the trailer doesn’t do the movie justice AT ALL). It looking interesting enough and my buddy (johnnyhorror) had told me it was nice and violent.

The story is, a contractor, Arkin (antihero) is working on a house, he decides to rob the place of a bit of precious stone kept locked away in a safe. Not that he’s a bad guy per say, but his lady and his kid are in trouble and they need money. Problem is, when he gets to the house there is already someone there, and by someone I mean quite possibly the most sadistic mother fucker walking earth. The couple who live in the house are busy being tortured downstairs (quite graphically) and after hearing some screams and realizing that he is mostly trapped in the house anyway (booby traps on the doors, windows, stairs, everywhere) he decides to try and help out. This leads to a bit of cat and mouse as Arkin tries to help the couple, keep the teenage daughter out of the house, and save the youngest daughter all while avoiding the bad guy and dodge all the traps. And let me expand on the traps, I’m not talking about trip wire here and there, I’m talking about a chandelier of knifes, sticky acid type substance on the bedroom floor, bear traps in the den, and windows boarded shut with razors attached to the boards. The filming also added to the intensity of the movie by keeping things just dark and gritty enough (think Seven). You spend the film hoping for the best but still expecting the worst, and just when you think it’s over, surprise, there’s one more little twist. I let the theater on the high that you only get from really good movies. Run, watch it now!

Coming Up

2009-07-16T15:29:00.000-05:00

I wanted to be blogging instead of doing school work, so I gave in.

I’m pretty excited about some new flicks on the horizon, lots of hack, slash, and even some 3D gore coming up soon. The three at the top of my gotta see list:

Jennifer’s Body

Me and just about every other straight male in the world want to see this one. Personally I am not a fan of Megan Fox. Her acting has been pretty weak and she’s got that distinct trailer park look about her. (I find it funny that she’s been clamoring about being taken more seriously as an actress and then she goes and gets herself signed on for a horror flick. That’s surely the way to get you an Oscar.) But in the case of Jennifer’s Body she seems a perfect fit for the title character. The other starring role is played by Amanda Seyfried (but will get sooo much less press) who I think is adorable.

It’s a teen flick about a gorgeous, popular cheerleader who gets possessed by a demon and starts eating boys. We can expect some snappy dialogue since it’s from the writer of Juno which I think is a good thing. I’m of the mind that teen slasher flicks most often go wrong when they take themselves too seriously (think “I Know What You Did Last Summer”, those kids just seemed far too serious, even for a bunch who were getting hunted and butchered by a fisherman).

So we have a hot chick eating up boys and some giggles with a big fat R rating (and my oh my do R ratings make me happy). It opens September 18th and if you take a peek at the website make sure you watch the restricted trailer (it makes it look much better).

Halloween 2

Upon the release of Rob Zombie’s remake of Halloween, I sat in my favorite seat (center of the row about two from the back) in the theater prepared for the worst. I had seen House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects and the only thing worth mentioning about them was Sheri Moon Zombie and all her abundant hotness (you want hot chick? Megan Fox has NOTHING on Sheri Moon Zombie!). For me, Halloween was one of the most delicious film surprises ever! Daeg Faerch’s Michael Myers was 100% bone chilling, (I can’t tell you how many times I replayed the scene where he beat the bully to death in the woods. I think all school aged bullies should be made to watch that scene and issued the warning that “this could be you, you mean little fucker”) Zombie’s vision of the story was the perfect mixture of homage to the original and expansion of the story, and it had more of Sheri Moon Zombie being amazing and hot (not to mention she nailed the stripper/mom with disgruntled home life. I know stripper/moms with disgruntled home lives and that was an on-point portrayal). So based on what I saw in the first one, I’m hella down to see the next one.

I had hoped Zombie would be doing a part two although I wasn’t sure it was going to happen. Upon hearing there would be one the boy and I watched the first one again to double check on the ending. That resulted in a debate on if a person could really live after being shot in the head. I fall on the side of the many many horror movies that teach us that, yes, if someone is truly evil they can live through a shot to the dome. Silly boy, he comes in on the side of reality. Meh. But now in the trailer we see Michael popping out of the Coroner truck (and Mr. Zombie, how I adore you for picking your 2nd movie up where the 1st on left off. And you’ve adapted Dr. Loomis’s yelping about shooting Michael 6 (or was it 7? It’s been a while) times to having 6 guys shoot him. Your attention to detail is superb, you do us movie fans proud, sir) and that sufficiently ties up that loose end.

So I’m excited for about a billion and four reasons on this one. August 28th we get to see if round two is as great as round one.

The Final Destination

First of all, let’s get this straight, it’s Final Destination 4. Church it up however you want but it’s still the 4th one of these damn movies.

Even with that being said, I like them. I can’t help it. I’ve like each and every one of the Final Destination movies. Intricate deaths with plenty of blood and screaming, I tend to like that. Also anytime I get to see someone offed with a nail gun, my day is made (part 3). (Not to mention the Tony Todd bits in each of them. He’s one of the greats.) So I’ll be there to check out the new one. Especially since it’s releasing in 3-D (thank you, My Blood Valentine for bringing back horror in 3-D. I think all horror could be great in 3-D. Please make me believe that blood, deadly objects, and nasty bits of death are flying directly at my face). It’s also opening August 28th, so maybe I’ll just have a night at the movies.

Low Expectations

2009-07-08T14:57:00.001-05:00

Know what I’m tired of? Movie snobs

The boy went out to the store the yesterday (he has the whole week off and nothing to do. Watch the amazing dwindling joint account!) and brought me back “a something”. It happened to be the movie The Unborn.

Apparently I had mentioned in passing that I wanted the check it out (had avoided it at the theater due to the PG-13) and he had filed it away in memory.

I didn’t remember much of anything about the flick when we popped it in last night. A girl with a twin that never got born. Something is trying to kill her. (This was what I informed the boy, complete with shrug, when he asked me what it was going to be about.) So after the boy grumbling about my lack of knowledge and the inability to skip the previews (that shit makes him freaking crazy!) we selected the unrated option and we were off on a movie adventure with low expectations.

Know what? It wasn’t bad. Dare I say I liked it? First there was the pleasant surprise of Cam Gigandet. Not only is he pretty easy on the eyes, he’s growing on me as an actor. Granted the roles I’ve seen him in thus far don’t give him room to really shine (we’re not talking, Leonardo Dicaprio here people.) but I see some potential in him. Whenever he gets the chance to do some evil on screen, it’s believable. I’m pretty sure he could make a good career of bad guy. And did I mention he’s awfully easy on the eyes?

The movie is strictly by the book with its sad Nazi camp back story, the “demon” that needs a door way, creepy movie projector scenes, traumatic childhood, and bad dreams. Although you can see the jump scenes coming far over the horizon, they still manage to get the job done. (There’s nothing I get more scare out of then a mirror. Damn things just give me the heebie jeebies.) However, there were some fun throw away scenes that I adored. The priests made them sign papers prior to the exorcism! A mighty realistic touch there. And I know for sure if I get beaten to death by a large, possessed priest I want that shit written on my tombstone! “Here lies Nikkole. A huge possessed priest beat her to death.” Priceless.

Watching this one was an altogether pleasing way to spend the evening. The flick wasn't amazingly fantastic, but it got the job done.

And that’s what annoys the fuck out of me. Today I get online to do a little research on it because I knew it was destine for a blog review. People hated this flick. The same things I took in stride (weak plot, cheesy acting) other people detested. Normal movie loving people, I give them some room to gripe. They don’t really get into the horror cheese. But the horror people junked this one too. It seems to me that these people are expecting waaaay too much from new horror flicks. Are you telling me you want to bag on a flick for bad acting? I’ve read (or maybe heard) the in the original Halloween (oh, yeah, bringing out the big guns) that PJ Soles gagged and gurgled as long as she could during her death scene just to get a little more screen time. That supposed to be good acting? And don’t even get me started on some of the plot holes of the much beloved horror giants. What’s the deal? Are people of the mind that just because there are lots of new glossy filming techniques that go into new horror movies that the entire genre should be 100% new and improved? I think people are forgetting to suspend the disbelief at opening credits. Their forgetting this is supposed to be fun.

So I say lower your expectations people. Don’t go into a horror flick expecting a masterpiece. Just try to have some fun.

Crash, Boom, and Bay

2009-06-29T14:56:00.002-05:00

At the 8:50 showing, there was a line. The AC in the theater seemed to have been busted (and right now in Louisiana its 81 at 8:30 in the am. You walk outside, and you immediately begin to sweat your ass off). There were the usual assholes who think they’re so important they can’t sit through a whole movie without texting someone; despite all that, I enjoyed the hell out of Transformers: The Revenge of the Fallen.

I’ve looked at the reviews and yeah, they look pretty bad. The people who said the worst about the film seemed to have three distinct gripes: they watched all the cartoons when they were younger and everything is wrong, the story telling was sooo horrible, and it wasn’t “family friendly”.

To the “everything is wrong” people, first let me say this: put down your toys and get yourself some sex. I’m serious! Sex will change your life! Now, I understand seeing something you love on screen and feeling that someone just took the names of your favorite characters and made a movie with them. I’m a Stephen King fan, ‘nuff said. However, I’ve come to realize that movies are probably going to be vastly different from the material their based on (particularly in the case of movies based on earlier materials). Thusly, if I have a lot of myself invested in a character I’m not going to see a remake (you think your gonna catch me at the remake… excuse me… reimagining of Nightmare on Elm Street? Negative, Ghostrider). I’m not going to set myself up to get my feelings hurt. I can’t honestly tell you how close Transformers is to the source material. (I wasn’t Transformers girl, I was Barbie girl.) If you really want to know, ask a fanboy.

Addressing the bad story telling. When you hear the name Michael Bay, you should immediately assume that you’re not heading into sophisticated drama territory. In my opinion Bay is good at doing two things: blowing shit up and slapping a coat of gloss on old stuff making it tolerable for teenage brats with no attention span. Does that sound bad? Sure it does. But if you know that’s what you’re headed into when you walking in the theater, you can’t get mad. The story was easy enough to follow, the Decepticons are trying to do the revenge thing and kick earth’s ass. Again Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is tapped by the Autobots to help put a stop to it. He doesn’t really want to because he’d rather be off doing to college thing. Under the crash, boom, bang and robots, there’s the subtle transformation (heh) from boy to man. So yeah, the plot is paper thin, but that’s not what you’re supposed to be there for. You’re there for robots fighting and shit blowing up. Mr. Bay reaches his objective once again.

“Family friendly”. I hate that term. I took my 11 year old nephew to see this. I found it age appropriate. In fact the Autobots with the foul mouths were what tickled him the most. (And me too for that matter. When used appropriately, dirty words can be hilarious.) Now when I say foul mouth I don’t mean they sound like my soldier boys after a few beers. I mean there was a scattering of bitch and ass. Word is you can’t say fuck more than twice in a PG-13 flick. (Fuck… heh, I’m now rated R.) Now was this movie appropriate for 4 and 5 year olds who have a tendency to repeat things like parrots? Probably not. But that’s what the rating system is for. Ideally, a person should see that little PG-13 and say to themselves, “Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t take little 4 year old Timmy to see this.” But of course that doesn’t happen and these idiots want to bag on a flick for being too vulgar when the real problem is their too damn stupid to consider the rating.

The movie was funny and fun. I think that most of the people who hated this one just need to lighten up. Is this a classic that will be revered through history? Nope, but it was great way to spend an evening with my boys.

The Lust List

2009-06-18T14:39:00.002-05:00

Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet. I can’t wait to see. There’s a great online base for this movie including a twitter page and a ten thou contest. Hopefully it’s as good as its hype. http://www.bloodnightmovie.com/

2.
The Sleepaway Camp Survival Kit. Been wanting to get my hands on this set for a while. Not only are these classic 80’s horror, but the packaging is fantastic. Probably pick it up from Amazon sooner or later.

3.

Repo! The Genetic Opera. Horror musical with Anthony Head (Giles!) playing one of the leading roles. Apparently this is turning into a cult hit kind of like Rocky Horror Picture Show (which I’ve never seen, just heard the comparisons). Looks interesting enough to get me excited. http://www.repo-opera.com/

I'm Not Making This Up

2009-06-11T14:35:00.001-05:00

I have to take part of the blame for this fiasco.

When the boy came home from picking up a copy of Transformers so I would finally watch it (I have my reasons, damn it) he told me that he had seen a movie that looked right up my alley. A fat guy dressed in a muumuu holding a severed arm on the cover. It looks horrible, he says, looks like you’ll love it. I, of course, responded with enthusiasm. Cross dressing wackos? Where do I sign up?

The title of this little gem? “Backwoods”.

So then movie night rolled around. With the warning that if it sucked I was getting the blame, the boy snags a couple of flicks, Backwoods included. Sshady, the Boy, and I all settle in to watch. Before the movie started there was a note from the producers. I only caught a glimpse of it so I called for a quick rewind. Not only was the note thanking what I presume was a school for the use of foreign exchange student, but there were misspelled words! Laughter ensued.

The laughter did not stop as the movie rolled. The beginning of the film starts with was looks like the work of a camcorder simply filming some woods with changing colored lenses. As the viewer is given this visual treat, a gravelly voice tells the story of Mangina (yep, that vagina but with man). I’m not sure what the story was exactly. I really couldn’t hear much over my own howling laughter. Adding to this hilarity was the death look the boy was giving me (he lacks my passion for really bad movies). He asserted that the film had exactly five minutes.

Five minutes was exactly enough for me to laugh my way into sore abs. The first shot of the film’s action was of a fat ass. At first we weren’t sure it was an ass and hearing the question “is that an ass?” is always funny. The shot of fat ass turns into two fat people humping against a tree. After they finish the girl (who I’m fairly certain was a guy in drag, and if it wasn’t, it was the ugliest woman I have EVER seen) begins to exclaim about how she knows she’s pregnant because she can feel the seed. This prompts the guys she’s with to bolt, fresh laughter from Shady and I, and a pained look from the boy. She/he then wanders through the woods yelling about how Dean must has left for the army and that Dean cannot make their baby a bastard. Seriously, I was having trouble even breathing at this point. Then the film skipped to 30 years later. Where our lady/guy is still pregnant. After moments of mutter about how she’d (he’d) carried this baby for thirty years and she’d (he’d) carry it for thirty more, the child decided to make its way into the world. Anally. And there on the ground covered in birthing muck was a full grown fat man. Who spoke to his mother like an uber-intellectual and referred to himself as a genius. My mind was blown.

The boy reached the end of his leniency and immediately enacted his veto.

I plan to watch it all one night. Just me and a bunch of beer. I may never recover.

(We ended up watching “Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon”, which I recommend. It’s kind of a sleeper at first but very much worth sticking with. Nathan Baesel, who plays the title character, is on point and I look forward to seeing more of him.)

The Blockbusters and The Really Good Stuff

2009-06-02T14:33:00.000-05:00

The boy and I have been hitting the summer movies the past couple of weekends. Thus far, I'm not really impressed.

Wolverine was the bigger disappointment for me. I've always dug the X-Men flicks. I'm not a fangirl but I do have a little bit of knowledge about who’s who and what’s what, and my all time favorite character is Gambit. (Him being native and all that makes sense.) So there I was all amped.... some Hugh Jackman reprising his role as Wolverine (which suits him so gosh darn well), the promise of finding out how/why Wolverine is Wolverine (I maintain, NOT A FANGIRL), some Gambit action, and some Ryan Reynolds thrown in for good measure (seriously, if that guy is shirtless I'll watch him read the phone book). And it still managed to fail. The biggest problem was the whole film seemed rushed. The plot, the acting, the effects, everything. And can I speak on the effects for just a minute? Good grief! I’m not tech girl either but the CGI was just a mess. Even the horror flicks try harder than that. The shots of Wolverine's claws were particularly bad, which is a major deduction in points as the movie is ABOUT HIM. And my biggest problem? The thing I wanted to see the most. I'm not sure what kind of direction Taylor Kitsch had but his Gambit broke my heart. Here’s the thing about actors and the state of Louisiana. Typically when an actor/actress portrays someone from here, they go way too far with the Cajun accent (gives people the idea that were all running around down here in pirogues with gators as pets. And you know what, we are! I actually have two gators! And I eat crawfish for every meal! And that guy from The Waterboy, well he lives right down the bayou from me! Hee hee). However, Gambit is SUPPOSED to sound like that. It's part of his charm. And bless his heart; Kitsch didn’t even give it a go. Sad sad sad.

On the up side, I did think Liev Schreiber (who I’m beginning to think is just wonderful) did a bang up job as Sabertooth. Made the whole film worth sitting through. Also, going in I had no idea that Dominic Monaghan (whom I just adore. What a cutie.) was going to be in it. Happy surprise.

All and all, I'd say wait for DVD.

I have far far less to say about Terminator Salvation. I wanted to watch the previous flicks before I went to see this one, jog the memory, but I didn’t get a chance to. Without remembering exactly what the hell was going on, all I was really looking forward to was crash, boom, bang and robots. It delivered. Plenty of action, not much in the way of plot. Also I didn’t see a single performance in that film that I considered good. I know thousands of women can’t be wrong about the amazingness that is Christian Bale, but I just don’t see it. (Also for so reason he reminds me of Matthew Fox on Lost and I constantly want to kick his character in the teeth. Hard to see John Connor when all you’re getting is Jack Sheppard.) Worth seeing if you’re looking for some action but I’d have to say it only really merits a DVDing as well.

On to the good stuff:

Had heard a little about Amusement on some horror blogs and had seen it a couple of times in the movie store but I hadn’t gotten around to giving it a go. Much to my delight Sshady (best movie buddy in the world) brought it over on movie night. What a great, twisted, creepy little slasher flick! It followed the usual slasher formula (weirdo from the past stalks pretty girls) but with some odd twists (nope not giving a damn thing away, go get it and watch for yourself). Best thing about this flick is it honestly gave me the heebie-jeebies. I’m terrified of exactly two things, needles and clowns. If a guy in a clown suit chased me around with a needle I would drop dead of fright. I thought that the clown fear was just a childhood thing (too many horror flicks at a young age. And aside from that I seem to equate clowns with child molesters. Grown men (generally) who dress up in costume and play with kids. *shiver*) but the urge to hide behind the boy’s superman blanket as the creepy clown owned the screen proved that theory wrong. If you like horror flicks, you HAVE to watch this one. Go now! Watch!

I’m still holding out hope for the big screen. B says I have to watch Star Trek even though it really doesn’t sound like my cup of tea. Besides, I like seeing stuff on the big screen even if it sucks. At least I do when there’s not some jackass chatting through the whole flick, but that’s a whole other blog.